You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well just do whatever you want...

I'm not sure what happened at the beginning of this year.....

..... something changed within me.....

 

.....I became genuinely happy.....

 

 

....and now....

 

...my life can truly begin....

 

 

 

 

 

I recently received my tax returns, and rather than rush out and spend it on emptiness, like drinking my life away in the bar, spending money on people who don't reciprocate the kindness, or buying the unnecessary shit that society tells me I need, I made a mental list of all the awesome things I've ever wanted to do....

 

 

And from there, I decided that I needed to do more things for me.  I spend five days a week taking care of other people's kids, stressing over these kids' futures and choices, making sure they stay out of trouble... and the rest of my time is spent taking care of friends, making them happy... and for what?  It's not my responsibility.

 

So my first stop on this journey for myself was to a sporting goods store, in which I picked up a 6-person tent for $100.  Yep... I sure did.  I don't need a 6 person sleeper, but I wanted it, because, let's face it, I could go out camping, and keep everything in my tent.  From there, I went to an electronics store, and finally bought myself a decent camera.  So in addition to my Polaroid camera (yes, they still make those), two lomography cameras, an old 35mm that belonged to my grandmother, and the camera on my cell phone, I now own a Canon rebel.  And for shits and giggles, I bought a tripod, because let's face it, I'm not the most graceful or balanced person. (*Side note: I broke my ankle running down a flight of stairs, I fell of a bike and needed 13 stitches [two under the skin], tore a ligament in my knee, and pulled a piano bench across my shin, which could have resulted in a broken bone, plus all the times I walk into things).  Next on my journey was to hit the arts supply store, which was having a mega sale, so I got tons of awesome things.  I've also finished setting up my altar (two years in the making), so now I can meditate and practice within my home.  And about ten minutes ago, I signed up for a photography class that my mother had recently completed -- The Rebel's Guide to Falling in Love with Photography

 

You can read about it on her blog: Sticks and Stones (and these old bones)

 

In these coming weeks, there will be pictures, there will be artwork, there will be the emotions that I feel inside radiating out in whatever ways that I can make them come.  I only wish that others can experience what I feel inside.  And I'm going to simplify my life.  I don't need the fallacies that society portrays we do, and I can do things for free that I enjoy.  And if I have to go alone, so be it.

 

Follow your arrow, wherever it points.
-R.

PS: You need to see this....

Follow Your Arrow



 

 

One day this all will change...

Howdy stranger!

I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.

I'm glad to say that I AM BACK!  And better than ever!

So here's the long story short:

I spiraled into a deep depression.  Started going to therapy.  Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy.  Joined a gym.  Started eating better.  Lost 7 pounds and still going!

Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went.  I was never happy.  I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself.  Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could.  I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of.  I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16.  And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.

I should probably backtrack on this.  Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD.  Because of this, I developed addictions.  I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake.  From there, I became a closet drug addict.  I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in.  I cannot remember about four years of my life.  Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up.  I changed my group of friends.  I avoided certain places.  I ran away -- to college.  And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again.  Different schools, different friends, different places.  I just kept running....

.... up until about three months ago.  When I finally grew too tired to run.  Too tired to continue.  And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again.  And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....

I joined a gym.  I started eating more fruits and veggies.  I started taking the dog to the dog park.  I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking.  I just want to get my life back on track.  I want to be me again.  Honestly, truly me. 

So this is where I begin to rewrite my story.  I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride.  I just hope that you come along with me.

This may be the last thing that I write for long.

I've been doing some thinking.....


I'm done with this blog.

I can take it no farther.  It seems like a never-ending cycle as I post on here.  And I think it will be good for be to let it go. 


With that being said --

My lovely followers -- I appreciate you sharing in this journey with me.  I don't think I could have progressed as well without you.  One love.


Now I must say "see ya later man".



It's not a matter of holding on to the past because it makes you comfortable.  It's a matter of holding onto the good times, so that they may lift you to your next adventure.


One love. One heart. One family.

-R.

What have I become, my dearest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end.

I've been in the dark.  The light has finally been extinguished. Not even a speck of dust remains of the life that I had known. I used to be happy once.  I used to smile.  Now my heart permanently frowns as it carries the worries and the shames and the guilts and the pains.  The smiles that come aren't real. Simply a mask placed outside so that this emptiness that was once a soul doesn't cause burden to anyone.  I would hate to cause anyone trouble by getting into my own worries and doubts and fears.  Everyone has enough going on in their lives without having me to screw it up.  I hate that these emotions are like waves, and they come and go.  But the dark ones stay.  Just a little longer.  It's as if the clouds have blocked the sun during a solar eclipse so that the world has gone dark.  The only noise is the sound of waves crashing against the shore, but it's so dark that I just can't seem to find them.  If I could just get to the water's edge, this negativity would be gone.  Maybe not forever, but maybe it wouldn't seem so dark.  The negative energy has once again appeared, and this time, I'm afraid I don't have the willpower to sweep it out.   I have done all that I can to get the darkness out.... and I see the silver line across the shore.  The water's edge has appeared for me once again.  It's faint, and far, but I can see it.

I can see it.

If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.

A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success. -- Elbert Hubbard

So, I've been working out for a little over a week, and I am so excited to see the changes that have already come. 

I switched from Insanity to a bunch of different workouts.  I've been having some crazy lung issues, so two minutes in, and I'm hacking up a storm.

Anyways, I've been sticking to my 1600 calorie diet, and making sure that I'm eating better.  In addition, I've also noticed that I have lost weight and inches.  Which is super exciting!!!

So here's where I'm at today:

Weight: 240 237
Chest:  44  42.5"
L Bicep: 18 17"
R Bicep: 19 17.5"
Waist: 43 41"
Hips: 48.5 47"
L Thigh: 30 29.25"
R Thigh: 30.5 29.5"
L Calf: 17 16.5"
R Calf: 17.5 16.25"

 

 

Very exciting for me!!!!  Hopefully, I can keep this up, and before you know it, I will be at my healthy weight!!!

 

 

Thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement.  You all mean a lot to me! 

 

 

And just when you thought you couldn't walk farther, you sprouted wings.

 

-R.

 

Here's to us fools that have no meaning. I tip my glass to you....

So tonight's post was supposed to be about the awesome shenanigans that I have begun to partake in, but I'm sort of pissed right now.... so I think I will rant and get rid of this negative energy before I explode.

This apartment has slowly begun to amass some negative energy.  Things happen behind closed doors, out of eyesight and earshot, and I can definitely feel the negativity boiling out into my living space.  And I'm not happy about it.  I worked hard to clean the negativity out of my life, and to have it brought back in because of petty issues.... it's really bugging me.  But, hey.... not my business right?  I'll just continue trying to flood my space with positivity and hopefully, it will even out.


Ok now on to the real reason I am posting tonight......

I EFFIN' STARTED THE INSANITY WORKOUT TONIGHT!

Shaun T. Max interval training. Possible death.  Just doing the fit test alone was enough to make me realize how out of shape I am (and while round is a shape, I would like to be healthier).  So here's the dealio (holy 90s throwback)....

Every time I take a fit test, I will update you all on the improvements I have made.  Any time I come across some delish healthy meal, I will post it for you.  Any time I struggle, I'll let you know.  I want to continue to be real -- continue to be raw -- continue to be me.  I have begun the new lifestyle that will be mine.... and I want to share it with you!  I want to make life awesome for us all.  And if you find inspiration, great.  If you want to share your troubles, let me know, and I can add you as a guest blogger.  I want to begin a revolution.  Where big, beautiful women can finally get healthy without feeling like a failure.  Yes we may fall.  But the only failure is sitting there and not getting up.

So here's where I'm at today:

All Pictures Taken 6/14/13

 

Weight: 240

Body Fat: 42.6%

Chest: 44"

L Bicep: 18"       R Bicep: 19"

Waist: 43"

Hips: 48.5"

L Thigh: 30"      R Thigh: 30.5"

L Calf: 17"        R Calf: 17.5"

 

Switch kicks: 17 (no jumps though)

Power Jacks: 20

Power Knees: 30

Power Jumps: 5

Globe Jumps: 5

Suicide Jumps: 4

Push-up Jacks: 0 (I did do 15 girly push-ups though)

Low Plank Oblique: 16 

 

First fit test: Complete.

 

Next fit test: 6/28/13

 

This week's workout:

• Saturday: Plyometric Cardio Circuit
• Sunday: Cardio Power Resistance
• Monday: Cardio Recovery
• Tuesday: Pure Cardio (fuck my life)
• Wednesday: Plyometric Cardio Circuit
• Thursday: Off :)

I will begin workouts in the morning -- hopefully that will help me to keep it going throughout the day.  I will also begin meal planning as well.... that way I can make sure I'm not undoing all the hard work I complete. 

 

So my challenge for you -- find a workout plan, set your goals, and complete it. 

 

First goal:  Make it through the whole warm-up without stopping.

Goal deadline: 2nd Fit test

 

And just in case you're wondering......

 

Yep... it's that intense.  This was after the FIT TEST!  I hadn't even done a whole workout yet!  But I will make this work!  I will succeed!

Who wants to join Team Fit and Sexy?

And in case you needed more inspiration.....







-R.

 

Cowboy take me away.

I need an adventure.

I know that I said that my last post would be the final, but I realized that my starting over doesn't just stop. So I shall continue this blog.

I need an escape. I'm so over just sitting still in one place. I want to explore -- to go somewhere off the beaten path. I've stayed still for too long. I want to get away. Just leave the pain and emotions behind.  Find some local stores and adventures. I'm so through with the mundane and stagnant life I have been handed. I'm not happy.  I'm never happy when I'm stuck. I want to be happy. I want to be unstuck.  Someone take me away.

This one's for the girls who've ever had a broken heart, who've wished upon a shooting star....

.... You're beautiful the way you are.



Life sure has been crazy lately. 

I've been struggling for a while now, trying to figure out what I can do to make me happy, and it seems like no matter what I do, I just can't get there.  (For those just joining us, you can read the details here.) 

Well, I started doing my own thing.... I started spending 15-20 minutes in the morning, while drinking my coffee, to work out.  Nothing too major, just something small to make me feel awesome.  Here's what I've been doing:

(thanks to the lovelies at downtownn.tumblr.com for this fabulous workout plan!)

So every morning, I get up, I find my day, and I work out.  I also add in some other things (like toning the guns), just for schnitz and giggles.  (5 points to the house that can figure out that reference [10 points to the house that can figure out that reference]).  Nothing major.... just something to help me out.  And never mind those skinny chicks in the image.... replace them with your own motivation.  Mine tends to be something like this:

(That's me on the right.... sixth grade... lowest weight ever.... walked 4 miles a day...)

 

Granted, I know I will probably never get to that weight again in my life, but I would like to see that thin face again, and the tiny arms, and that collar bone... 

 

And I think I will succeed this time.....

 

Because for the first time in four years, I don't give a fuck.  Let me repeat that... I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.  Period. End of story.

 

For the first time in four years (since I left my hometown to set off on my own adventure), I honestly don't care what others think.  I don't care if you think I'm fat, or perfect the way I am.  I don't care if you like me better as a brunette than a blond.  I don't care if you think that outfit looks horrendous on me.  I am who I am.  Your approval is not needed.

 

This time around, it's about making me better.  I watched several adults play sports with some kids today at work, and I realized I wanted to be that staff.  I wanted to be the one who can go play soccer with the best of them, and not feel like passing out after 2.3 seconds.  I also want to run.  I see people running all the time in my neighborhood, and I think, I want to do that.  I want to be the person, sweat dripping down my face, in a sports bra, all toned, earbuds in, running through the neighborhood.  I want to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel my heart beating in my head. I want to be healthy.  I don't want to just survive......

 

I WANT TO LIVE.

 

So here it is folks.  This is where I end this story and begin a new one.  I will keep this blog open for a little bit, and will reference back once the new one is up and running.  Thank you to all my loyal readers.  You have no idea how much you have pushed me to become something truly incredible. 

 

I want you to live.  Get off your computer/phone/tablet/etc.  Go outside and look at the stars.  Don't think about anything.  Just look and listen.  Mother Earth calls to you.  Will you answer? 

 

 

Don't just survive.... live.

 

Much love.

 

-R.

 

So which came first -- the music or the misery?

I am a horrible person.

Misery does, in fact, love company.  Am I miserable though?  I am unsure, but I do know that I am completely fucking horrible.....


(There is a story that was supposed to go here, but for my own sanity, I cannot write it.... Just trust that I have written about it elsewhere, and am currently working through it).


... And I am jealous.  I feel worse than before.  Not sad or upset.... just lonely.  I just want to curl up into a ball and lock myself away to be consumed by my own demons. I want to fight off these feelings forever... But I feel that I may never return to normal.

I've become so obsessed with finding someone that I'm willing to accept attention from anyone, even people I would never consider.  And I can't shut it off.  I've become so codependent on others to make me happy.  I can't do things that make me happy.  I keep saying that I need to change, but just can't seem to get myself to do it.  I make plans, set goals, and then rely on others to do it with me.  And if they don't, I lose all motivation.

What the hell?  Why do I let myself rely on others so much?  It's so dumb.  I go out of my way to make others happy, in the hopes that they'll like me.... and sometimes I feel like it's superficial.  Like I don't have true friends.  I know that I do, but sometimes I don't feel like I do.  I feel like an empty shell of myself.

It's not fair.

I just want to be.

I wish I could be just a little less dramatic, like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames...

I'm not the girl that got away, but the girl you failed to keep. 


Hello followers and friends!




I know it's been a while, and while I would like to apologize, I'm not going to.  You see, I went through a dark time.  It took me a while to get through it, but I think I have finally come out for the better.

Before I get into the details of everything, I want to put this disclaimer out there.... yes, I will admit that I though about hurting myself during this rough time.  BUT I DID NOT!  Self-harm is never an option, nor is suicide.  I would have never hurt myself.  I know that people would be disappointed in me. 




Ok, now down to the nitty gritty deets....

So, I've been in a depression for a while.  It got so bad that I ended up not going to work a couple times.  Simply because I couldn't get out of bed.  I was suffering from insomnia, and couldn't seem to fall asleep.  Once I managed to, I couldn't get myself out of bed.

I reached out for help.  I went to my doctor, who recommended a couple of therapists.  (I have yet to find one I like, but whatever.  I can do this.)  I turned to friends and family for help.  And then, by the grace of a higher power....

I discovered that my ex was now in a relationship.  With a very attractive girl.  And he tells her all the same things he used to say to me. 

So had a five minute melt-down after this, because, well.... let's be honest.  No one likes being the miserable one while their ex is loving their life.  I cried.  I yelled.  I called my momma. 

And then I did the bravest thing I have ever done.... I cleaned out anything and everything that reminded me of him.  Presents, collectibles, a friggin' digital photo frame!  I got rid of it.  AND.... I even placed my wedding dress on eBay.  Without the tears!

Holy crap I feel so liberated!  I finally feel happy.  I've started dating again.  Nothing serious, but everything in due time.

So with this post, may you find your strength to find your happiness.  And if you're struggling, please reach out to someone you love. 

And always know, dear readers, that I love each and everyone one of you, and am truly blessed to share this experience with you.



-R.

She looks up at the building, says she's thinking of jumping. She says she's tired of life. She must be tired of something....

When will enough be enough?


The night is still, unlike my mind.  It's quiet, almost like a whisper.  Almost a full moon.  Beautiful.  And yet, I feel trapped.  I feel blocked by the concrete and the bricks, starved for a connection.  A chance to get away.  I long for the lake, the sound of the waves as they kissed the shore.  Being completely alone with myself and the world.  Enjoying the solace that it brings.  There's not even a breeze tonight.  It's as if the world itself has given up, holding her breath to try and change.  But she's become a stagnant being, afraid of life. 

Just like me.

No longer do I feel the call of adventure just beyond the borders.  No longer do I get the rush from late nights.  No longer do I feel connected to the beat of the earth, calling to me to live.  How can I hear the call through all the noise in my head?  Hoe can I begin to start over again?  Do we ever really begin again?

My soul is nothing by darkness.  All I feel is a never-ending despair.  I put the happy on, so no one can tell that inside I'm drowning.  I am alone in this world, trapped within my own mind.  I am a prisoner within my own brain, unable to find the key, or the lock, or the door to get out of the prison.  I just want out of the shell that I have become. 

Remember who you used to be.
-- R.


 
DISCLAIMER: Please do not worry about me.  I am having a moment, but this, too, shall pass.
As I sat on the balcony of my apartment, writing the words you just read, I began to think back to the people who helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.  And I realized they are no longer there.  I'm sure a few would be available if I needed something, but they aren't there.  It's as if they do not exist outside of my brain.  I can't touch them, I can't hug them.  I can't cry on their shoulders.  And how I wish I could.  I wish I could just return to my hometown, and have it be like it was four years ago.  All of us around a campfire, listening to one of the many talented musicians bust out a great sing-along on the acoustic.  Playing cards and laughing hysterically at the stupid things we used to do. 

But alas, all great things must come to an end.  Will those people forever hold a special place in my heart?  Of course.  They were the greatest group of friends that anyone could ever hope for.  They pissed you off, held you up, had your back, and made you laugh.  I really miss them.  And I hope they all know how much I truly love each and every one of them.  They were my family, and I will always feel that kinship.  And to those that are no longer with us, rest easy my friends.  Our paths will cross again.

The insomnia has kicked in once again.  It's going to be a long night. 

Have faith, my friends.  It is always darkest before the dawn.  A new sun will rise tomorrow, and we will have the chance to be great.  Tell someone you love them (honestly.  Don't throw that word around so much.  Save it for the ones who truly matter).  Give them a million hugs and kisses, and make sure that they know how much they mean to you.  And hold on to those friendships.  Do not let them drift away.

 

 

I will be strong, I'll stand by you.

My heart sank.  The terrorist attacks of 9/11 replayed in my head.  And my heart immediately went to all those I personally know in the military....

Boston.  My prayers are with you.  My heart bleeds for the families still trying to find their loved ones, those who were injured, those that were murdered, and those who still survive.  I could never begin to imagine the pain and suffering you are going through.  But please know that there are people standing by you, willing to help pick you up, and give you strength.

It's moments like this that you realize what truly matters in life.  It's not about the money, it's not about the fame.  It's about the human connection.  We, as a world, are all connected, and when something as tragic as the events today happens, we come together.  Connected by a single thread that makes us human. 

It's important to stress, however, that being in an industrial country makes us blind to the atrocities throughout the world.  Every day, people throughout the world are experiencing exactly what we did today.  Or worse.  Every day, families are torn apart, people are murdered, lose body parts, fear for their lives and the lives of others.  We are truly blessed to not experience that.  Children are kidnapped and trained to be soldiers, or sold into the trafficking underground.  Entire neighborhoods are turned into ghettos. 

We need to realize that we are all intertwined, that we are all connected to one another.  We need to begin to extend our hands to those in need.  We need to start acting like we belong to the world. 

With that being said, I am offering up my help to those who need it.  I will do whatever I can to help those in need.  Those affected by the attacks today, I welcome you to seek help... if not from me, from someone else.  You are not in this alone. 

"Each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." -- Mitch Albom

Blessings to you and yours.
-R.

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end'Cause I could use some friends for a change

Be a strong winged fire-proof phoenix rising from the ashes.

Before I begin.... I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will fail. Like I always do. Every time I tried to drop the weight, something always stops me. I lose motivation. I get bored. I get injured. I need something to keep me going. But what? I cannot fail this time. I need to do this. For me. For my health. For my future. I need a change.

So what the hell, right?  I'm looking for a life makeover.   I've decided that I need to crack down on myself for being such a douche. I sit on my fat ass and complain about my weight.  Blame it on the broken thyroid as I eat half a bag of chip, a pint of ice cream, and a huge thing of milk.  Gah!

So this is my vow, fellow followers.... you are about to witness the changes unfolding.

I, Rachel, vow to make a huge change in my life.  I will begin to take responsibility for my actions, and begin to put my fate in my own hands.  I will workout daily, and eat healthier.  I ask that all of my followers, readers, and friends to hold me accountable for my posts, and help me through this process. 

Maybe together we can change ourselves for the better.

Starting point:
Weight: 236 lbs.
Neck: 16 inches
Arms: 19 inches
Chest: 40 inches
Waist: 41 inches
Hips: 49 inches
Thighs: 30 inches

There is no try. Trying is allowing yourself to fail. There is only do.

-R.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep....

It seems no one can help me now.  I'm in too deep, there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray.

It's been a while.  And I have paid the price.  Dearly.

I've been slowly spiraling back into the emptiness, the darkness, that consumes my life.  I didn't realize it fully until last night, when I was out with my best friend, and found myself jealous of everyone in the bar.  Even the old man who was ridiculously off-key during karaoke.  And I began to question myself?  Why could I not enjoy myself like they all were?  Why did I spend the whole night with this thought that something was going to happen, when I already knew that this was false?

Even as I sat down to write tonight, I found myself at a blank.  I am no longer interested in people's lives on facebook, nor the once inspiring posts on pinterest, and yet... I want to be.  I want to find solace in the things that once brought me pleasure.  I want to feel whole again, as I used to back home.  I want to be me again.

I was glancing through my previous posts, trying to see if I had used a certain lyric for a title, when I stopped at a post back in December.  Without even thinking, I began reading the post, only to discover that it was the post about the dream that I had, in which I felt inspired to keep the positive in my life, and not be consumed by the negative.  And I realized.... things happen for a reason.

I was meant to reread that post. 

It's weird how the world works.  I was giving a motivational speech at a high school in a town that reminded me of home, when a kid in the junior class came up to me.  I had noticed that I struck this kid's fancy, because throughout the speech, he was staring at me (and not to be judgmental, but he looked like the last kid who would listen to things like that).  He asked me a question, and then began to cry.  I walked outside with him, and we started talking about things.  After our talk, I informed the principal, who quickly intercepted him, and took him to the counselor's office, who hooked him up with the help he so desperately wanted and needed.  He was meant to hear me.

And I believe that I am meant for so much more that what my life is right now.  I am not happy in my current situation, but there are things I can do to change that.  It may be a long and hard road, and I may not be the same after, but I was meant to do this. 

I am about to make myself some coffee (at 10:42pm) because I love the smell and taste of it.  And then I am going to sit down, and write some letters that are long overdue to some people who probably never realized how much their friendship has meant to me over the years.  Because this is where I start anew.

We were meant to live for so much more....

-R.

'Cause I'm a ramblin' man, and I ain't ever gon' change. I've got a gypsy soul to blame and I was born for leavin'

This monotony is killing me.

I need an out.  I need a change.  I need to do something bigger with my life... not bigger like money or fame.  Bigger, like changing the world.  I feel so helpless.  I feel stuck in a job that I can't seem to change (or be creative).  I feel like my soul is slowly dying.  Since before the breakup, the only time I truly felt like myself was when I was driving down the highway with my two best friends, or up in the mountains watching the wild life with my mom.  Or even just out looking for geocaches.  I'm not meant to be stuck in a cubicle all day.

I need to find something better.  I need the ocean, a cause that I can actually do something amazing in, and a friend.

It's hard to believe that I have become so disconnected with everything that I once felt connected to.  It's like a whole is opening in my heart, and no matter what I do to make myself happy, it just makes it worse.

I miss my friends.  I miss BMac, B. Michael, Bert, Sherpa, Dano, Dena, Brian, Meeks, Vick, Spad, Heinz, Erica.  I miss being able to walk out my front door and know that someone was just a short walk away.  I miss going for joy rides, camping, bonfires, guitars, and all around shenanigans.  I miss watching Family Guy, snuggled in my bed with my future "husband".  I miss Amber's smile and laugh.  I miss Lizzie Loo.  I miss being able to go to work at the bar, and seeing everyone who truly cared about me in one place. 

I miss my home.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I need a purpose.

You'll find better love.

-R.

What's up Phoenix, what's Up? Phoenix, Jump on it, jump on it, jump on it!

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” -- Benjamin Franklin

This weekend has been the most inspiring, motivating, amazing weekend to date!    Saturday I spent the day cleaning my apartment... to most people that doesn't sound inspiring, but you would be amazed the amount of crap that we allow to build up in our lives!  Just having a clean shower made me feel so much better.  But I legit went through everything.... every cupboard, drawer, closet, everything.  Started to find things that I didn't want anymore and posting them on craigslist.    I got rid of the vinyls that I was going to use for the wedding that never happened.  It was like a weight was being removed.  I never have to look at them again and remind myself of what might have been.  Thank god!  I also got rid of a dresser mirror that I hate.  I'm not one for mirrors anyways, but with the giant ballet mirror in my living/dining area, I needed to get rid of it.  Now on to the dresser!   And then this guy at work text me to tell me about this great documentary about women discrimination throughout the world (including the US), and I ended up watching the whole thing.  The documentary came after the publishing of the book with the same title: Half the Sky.  Check it out.  It's on Netflix.  It's incredible, and took me on an emotional roller coaster.  I was crying, pissed off, and empowered all within the four hours I spent watching it!   Sunday, I went and had "coffee" with some people (coffee is in quotations because the coffee shop at the bookstore was closed... for good).  I sold some books to the bookstore, and the rest I donated.  I had great intellectual conversation with the girls I met.... lots of political ideals and speculations!  Afterward, I went geocaching (which if you know me, it's my biggest obsession in the world).  I found 10 geocaches and some of my favorites to date.  I will post the photos at the end of this post. Then it was time for softball.  I asked our captain to put me infield, and so I got to play 2nd base.  I sucked at it, but I had a blast.  I even got a run!  That's a huge thing for me, because I've never been athletic.... ever!  We won the game, and I cannot wait for next week!!!!!!!!!    Today -- I am thinking I might get dressed and do some more geocaching... or lounge around all day working on homework and dissertation topics.  Who knows?  And who cares?  I am happy, and that's all that matters.   Find something that makes you happy, and hold onto it until your knuckles turn white.  Then hold tighter.   -R.

I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless, & in this moment I am happy.

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness.

I was talking with my friend Bmac today, and he is experiencing a lot of the same issues that I am.... loneliness, unhappiness, despair, anguish.  I told him to do things that he enjoys, but he said that even when he does, he still wakes up in a bummed mood.

So we starting talking about things that we wanted to do..... and I got to thinking.....

Why not?  Why can't we do the things we want to do?  I want to learn to play the ukulele.  I have two of them.  Why can't I learn them?  Who's stopping me?

I am.

Why am I so afraid of starting something new?  Is it a fear of failure?  I hate failing.  But, I also hate winning.  Weird right?  It's like, I do just enough to keep me in the high B, low A area in school, but if I truly applied my talents, I could easily have high A's in every class.  I cut corners on projects so that I can finish them faster.  Sometimes they get noticed; however, more often they get overlooked. 

Why can't I travel the world?  Why can't I decide on a dissertation topic?  Why can't I learn the uke?  Why can't I learn Spanish?  Why can't I?  Why?

Do what you think you can't.  Push yourself to the limits of your comfort zone.  Don't be afraid of failing.  Don't be afraid of winning.  Just don't be afraid. 

I'll be working on that uke now.  And once I learn a song, maybe I'll record it, and add the video to here.


You were meant to live for so much more.

-R.

Who will save your souls if you won't save your own?

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

I've been in a really dark space the last couple of days.  I've been inside my head too much.  And I can't seem to shake it.  I've tried everything that normally works for me, and yet, I still feel like a worthless piece of shit.

Friday was the worst.  Friday, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I forced myself to.  I forced myself to go to work.  I forced myself to sit in front of my computer, and did completely nothing.  I made it look like I was working on things, but in actuality, I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Even as I sit here writing this post, I feel miserable.  I have so much to be happy for, but I can't seem to get myself into that happy space.  I want to be happy.  I hate feeling this way.  It's like something in my head has gone completely haywire, and I even though I know how to fix it, I can't seem to find the one wire I need to make it better.

I have a feeling it is because I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing... I'm looking for things that I don't need right now in my life.  Maybe that is why I'm so completely miserable.  I reactivated my profile on a dating website again.... and that seems to be when this miserable feeling started. 

Holy shit.

Even as I write about it, it's like the universe is telling me to deactivate it.  I never thought that would have been the cause.  Thanks dear readers.  I know you had nothing to do with this, but since I feel that I need to write for you, maybe you did have an effect on me.

I just deactivated it.  I feel like something has been lifted.  Who knew that I would be so in tune with the universe that this action would help.  Strange.  Something is planned for me.  I know it.  Time to look into it.

If anyone knows of any scholarship programs that will allow me to travel the world for research, can someone please let me know?  I think I want to study other cultures for my doctoral thesis.

And for the first time in a few days, there's a smile on my face.


Slow down everyone.  You're moving too fast.

-R.

It's times like these you learn to live again...

Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest challenge. -- Thomas S. Manson

Today has been such a challenge.

All day, I've been fighting emotions off... disgust, jealousy, regret, anger, fear, rejection, unrequited love.... I have gone through just about every emotion known to man today.  It's one of the worst feelings ever.  To be completely out of control.  To be crying one minute, smiling the next, pissed off, scared, ashamed.... What. The. Fuck.


I watched a movie this afternoon, and the more I think about it, the more I come to understand why I was experiencing all that I did today.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home is about a man who believes in fate.  In destiny.  The whole movie is based around him searching for Kevin.  He receives a call for Kevin, he follows a kid named Kevin, follows a candy truck with Kevin on it.... it goes on.  He believes that it is showing him his destiny, which ultimately it does.

What does this have to do with my shit storm of emotions today?  Up until recently, I had been following my life path.  Doing what made me happy, being around people who made me happy.  Then, I stopped.  I stopped doing things by myself.  I stopped caring about my health.  I stopped relying on spiritual things to make me happy.  And today, I am paying for it.

I don't understand where I went wrong.  I know what I need to do.  I think it is because of the initial payoffs that I get from my decisions.  I'm a fucking idiot, that's for sure.  Maybe I was better off doing my own thing.  At least then I was happy.

I'm super excited because in about a month, I will be reconnected with one of my best friends.  And I know that she will help to bring me out of my funk, and encourage me to be better.  Until then, I need to figure my shit out.  I don't like being this person that I am starting to drift back to. 

How the fuck do I get out of this?

-R.

Remember me when you're out walking, when snow falls high outside your door, late at night when you're not sleeping and moonlight falls across your floor... when I can't hurt you anymore...

This, too, shall pass...

I'm having a rough day today... holy shit.  It's quarter to midnight, and it just continues to get worse and worse.  And I know a lot of it is because I keep thinking... subconsciously.

Today would have been my dear friend Amber's 24th birthday.  We lost her almost 2 years ago to brain cancer.  And I miss her dearly... every day...

It's like, when you're having a really shitty day, and you had that one person that you could rely on to make the world seem just a little brighter?  That was AmHo. She was so full of life and love.  She was truly, honestly, one of the best friends I could've ever asked for.  She was like a sister.  And I never got to say goodbye.  I never was able to tell her exactly what she meant to me.  I know that she knew, but it's just so hard to let that go.  I should've been there for her.  And I wasn't.

On top of this, I had to break the trust of one of the girls at work, and make a mandated report.  And she is now furious with me. 

And if that wasn't enough... as I'm writing this, the song that was played at my friend Brad's funeral just came on, and now I've burst into tears. 

I think I need to go home... to New York... for a visit.  I need to see friends and family.  I need to feel that energy from them.  I just need a chance to reset.

I'm getting to the point in my life when the monotony starts to take hold.  I want a new job.  I want to move away from this city.  I want out. 

I've got a gypsy soul and a hippie mindset.

Tell someone you love them, for you never know when it will be the last chance to.

-R.