One day this all will change...

Howdy stranger!

I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.

I'm glad to say that I AM BACK!  And better than ever!

So here's the long story short:

I spiraled into a deep depression.  Started going to therapy.  Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy.  Joined a gym.  Started eating better.  Lost 7 pounds and still going!

Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went.  I was never happy.  I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself.  Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could.  I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of.  I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16.  And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.

I should probably backtrack on this.  Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD.  Because of this, I developed addictions.  I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake.  From there, I became a closet drug addict.  I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in.  I cannot remember about four years of my life.  Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up.  I changed my group of friends.  I avoided certain places.  I ran away -- to college.  And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again.  Different schools, different friends, different places.  I just kept running....

.... up until about three months ago.  When I finally grew too tired to run.  Too tired to continue.  And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again.  And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....

I joined a gym.  I started eating more fruits and veggies.  I started taking the dog to the dog park.  I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking.  I just want to get my life back on track.  I want to be me again.  Honestly, truly me. 

So this is where I begin to rewrite my story.  I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride.  I just hope that you come along with me.

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

Oh the days go by so fast....

I had a dream last night.  In it, I was sitting alone in a room.  I had no feelings, no thoughts, nothing.  I was just there.  I walked around, touching the white walls, not with curiosity, but almost with instinct.  Something flickered on the wall, just a little speck, but enough to catch my attention.  As I reached out to touch it, the whole room exploded with lights and sounds.  Images of my life, my hurt, my pain, flashed across the walls.  I was reliving some of the most traumatic and horrifying moments of my life.  And instead of feeling horrible, and wanting to curl up in a ball, I just stood there.  I looked at the objects as if they were not mine.  Almost as if I was admiring artwork in a museum.  The images continued to play, and I continued to walk around, touching the wall, and just looking.  The room goes dark.  In the middle of the room is a light.   Not enough light to illuminate the room, but enough to be seen in the darkness.  I walked over to the light, and stared into it.  An image, about the size of a quarter, began to play.  Things that make me happy flashed across the light spot.  Coffee.  I can smell it.  Fresh snow.  I can feel the cold.  Babies laughing.  I can hear it.  Every little thing that brings a smile to my face was contained in that little bit of light.

I think someone is trying to tell me something.

I apologize to everyone who reads this blog to find inspiration in their darkest hours.  My post yesterday was hardly inspirational.  But I think that people should be able to see that I am not this perfectly strong person.  I have my breakdowns, I have my depressed times, I have my struggles.  You should find inspiration in that I am able to admit my flaws and faults, and am able to pull myself back up.

My dream made an impact on me.  Even with the life struggles that I have gone through, I cannot allow myself to dwell in those.  If I let the walls get covered in the madness that once was my life, I will be consumed.  I find it interesting that in my dream, I was able to not feel attachment to those events.  Even as I write this, I feel limited emotions to those events.  Yes, I still feel the heaviness in my heart, but I don't feel it as much.  The light in the darkness, although small, was powerful enough to make me happy.

And that's what I need.

In those times of darkness, I need to have the strength within myself to make it to the light, the happy things in my life.  If that means I need to have a cup of coffee at midnight, then so be it.  If it means that I need to whip out my Smash*book and start working on it, I'll do it.  I am no longer to be consumed by the negative in my life.

Now, I may stumble.  I may break down.  But I refuse to let myself fail.

Every day is a new chance to succeed.

-R.