Oh the days go by so fast....
I had a dream last night. In it, I was sitting alone in a room. I had no feelings, no thoughts, nothing. I was just there. I walked around, touching the white walls, not with curiosity, but almost with instinct. Something flickered on the wall, just a little speck, but enough to catch my attention. As I reached out to touch it, the whole room exploded with lights and sounds. Images of my life, my hurt, my pain, flashed across the walls. I was reliving some of the most traumatic and horrifying moments of my life. And instead of feeling horrible, and wanting to curl up in a ball, I just stood there. I looked at the objects as if they were not mine. Almost as if I was admiring artwork in a museum. The images continued to play, and I continued to walk around, touching the wall, and just looking. The room goes dark. In the middle of the room is a light. Not enough light to illuminate the room, but enough to be seen in the darkness. I walked over to the light, and stared into it. An image, about the size of a quarter, began to play. Things that make me happy flashed across the light spot. Coffee. I can smell it. Fresh snow. I can feel the cold. Babies laughing. I can hear it. Every little thing that brings a smile to my face was contained in that little bit of light.
I think someone is trying to tell me something.
I apologize to everyone who reads this blog to find inspiration in their darkest hours. My post yesterday was hardly inspirational. But I think that people should be able to see that I am not this perfectly strong person. I have my breakdowns, I have my depressed times, I have my struggles. You should find inspiration in that I am able to admit my flaws and faults, and am able to pull myself back up.
My dream made an impact on me. Even with the life struggles that I have gone through, I cannot allow myself to dwell in those. If I let the walls get covered in the madness that once was my life, I will be consumed. I find it interesting that in my dream, I was able to not feel attachment to those events. Even as I write this, I feel limited emotions to those events. Yes, I still feel the heaviness in my heart, but I don't feel it as much. The light in the darkness, although small, was powerful enough to make me happy.
And that's what I need.
In those times of darkness, I need to have the strength within myself to make it to the light, the happy things in my life. If that means I need to have a cup of coffee at midnight, then so be it. If it means that I need to whip out my Smash*book and start working on it, I'll do it. I am no longer to be consumed by the negative in my life.
Now, I may stumble. I may break down. But I refuse to let myself fail.
Every day is a new chance to succeed.
-R.
