It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

Oh the days go by so fast....

I had a dream last night.  In it, I was sitting alone in a room.  I had no feelings, no thoughts, nothing.  I was just there.  I walked around, touching the white walls, not with curiosity, but almost with instinct.  Something flickered on the wall, just a little speck, but enough to catch my attention.  As I reached out to touch it, the whole room exploded with lights and sounds.  Images of my life, my hurt, my pain, flashed across the walls.  I was reliving some of the most traumatic and horrifying moments of my life.  And instead of feeling horrible, and wanting to curl up in a ball, I just stood there.  I looked at the objects as if they were not mine.  Almost as if I was admiring artwork in a museum.  The images continued to play, and I continued to walk around, touching the wall, and just looking.  The room goes dark.  In the middle of the room is a light.   Not enough light to illuminate the room, but enough to be seen in the darkness.  I walked over to the light, and stared into it.  An image, about the size of a quarter, began to play.  Things that make me happy flashed across the light spot.  Coffee.  I can smell it.  Fresh snow.  I can feel the cold.  Babies laughing.  I can hear it.  Every little thing that brings a smile to my face was contained in that little bit of light.

I think someone is trying to tell me something.

I apologize to everyone who reads this blog to find inspiration in their darkest hours.  My post yesterday was hardly inspirational.  But I think that people should be able to see that I am not this perfectly strong person.  I have my breakdowns, I have my depressed times, I have my struggles.  You should find inspiration in that I am able to admit my flaws and faults, and am able to pull myself back up.

My dream made an impact on me.  Even with the life struggles that I have gone through, I cannot allow myself to dwell in those.  If I let the walls get covered in the madness that once was my life, I will be consumed.  I find it interesting that in my dream, I was able to not feel attachment to those events.  Even as I write this, I feel limited emotions to those events.  Yes, I still feel the heaviness in my heart, but I don't feel it as much.  The light in the darkness, although small, was powerful enough to make me happy.

And that's what I need.

In those times of darkness, I need to have the strength within myself to make it to the light, the happy things in my life.  If that means I need to have a cup of coffee at midnight, then so be it.  If it means that I need to whip out my Smash*book and start working on it, I'll do it.  I am no longer to be consumed by the negative in my life.

Now, I may stumble.  I may break down.  But I refuse to let myself fail.

Every day is a new chance to succeed.

-R.

Everybody dance now!

It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes.  Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. -- Tupac



I've been battling this horrendous cold all weekend, so I've had a lot of time to think about this post.  I keep getting asked how I occupy my time, now that I have no one to answer to, or share my time with.  It's kind of funny the way people say this to me, because they try to do it in a sensitive way, but more often they should like assholes because of the way it comes out.  I'm completely over the relationship that way, and am beginning to find happiness in my daily life... something that I haven't been able to do in a really long time.

So allow me to share what I'm doing to occupy my time.  Maybe I can spark a new interest for some of you, even without the heartbreak.

• I've reached over 100 finds geocaching.  I absolutely love doing this, and am kind of sad that I'm sick this weekend, otherwise I would have spent the whole weekend looking for treasures.

             

 

• I've been working on some new artwork projects.

• I've created my bucket list (and managed to cross some things out).

  

 

• I've begun my (one of many) Smashbook(s).

           

 

• I'm reading the Hunger Games.
• I'm watching documentaries.
• I'm working on school.
• I'm making new friends.
• I'm learning Spanish.
• I'm going to start working out again, so I created this ridiculous playlist.  Wanna see it?  Yeah, you wanna see it.
•  I Can't Do it Alone -- 3OH!3
• Tootsee Roll -- 69 Boyz
• Thunderstruck -- AC/DC
• Right Now (Na Na Na) -- Akon
• Party Hard -- Andrew W. K.
• Barbie Girl -- Aqua
• Girlfriend -- Avril Lavigne
• Everybody (Backstreet's Back) -- Backstreet Boys
• Larger than Life -- Backstreet Boys
• One Week -- Barenaked Ladies
• Satisfaction -- Benny Benassi
• Freak'um Dress -- Beyonce
• Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it) -- Beyonce
• Girl Fight -- Brooke Valentine ft. Big Boi
• Boom Boom Pow -- Black Eyed Peas
• Womanizer -- Britney Spears
• Do Somethin' -- Britney Spears
• Toxic -- Britney Spears
• (You Drive Me) Crazy -- Britney Spears
• Born to Run -- Bruce Springsteen
• Lit Up -- Buckcherry
• Crazy Bitch -- Buckcherry
• Zoot Suit Riot -- Cherry Poppin' Daddies
• Hot Mess -- Cobra Starship
• What You Got -- Colby O'Donis ft. Akon
• Mr. Jones -- Counting Crows
• Music is my Hot, Hot Sex -- CSS
• Gasolina -- Daddy Yankee
• Where Them Girls At -- David Guetta
• Getting Over You -- David Guetta ft. Chris Willis, Fergie, & LMFAO
• Ghosts 'n' Stuff -- deadmau5
• Groove is in the Heart -- Deee-Lite
• Enjoy the Silence -- Depeche Mode
• Lose my Breath -- Destiny's Child
• Jumpin' Jumpin' -- Destiny's Child
• Bootylicious -- Destiny's Child
• The Game -- Disturbed
• California Girls (DJ Envy Remix) -- Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg
• Like a G6 (DJ Fletch Remix) -- Far East Movement
• Move, Shake, Drop (Remix) -- Flo Rida
• Unbelievable -- EMF
• My Name Is -- Eminem
• My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It) -- En Vogue
• Go Ape -- Far East Movement ft. Lil Jon & LMFAO
• Everlong -- Foo Fighters
• One Step at a Time -- Four Year Strong
• Some Nights -- Fun.
• I Like It -- Enrique Iglesias
• The Queen and I -- Gym Class Heroes
• Bring 'em Out -- Hawk Nelson
• Call 'n' Return (Say That You're Into Me) -- Hellogoodbye
• Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn -- Hellogoodbye
• With Love -- Hilary Duff
• Jump Around -- House of Pain
• Sweat -- Inner Circle
• Together Again -- Janet Jackson
• Can I Get A... -- Jay-Z
• Are You Gonna Be My Girl -- Jet
• Sexy Back -- Justin Timberlake
• Die Young -- Ke$ha
• 22nd Century -- Kelis
• Commander (Extended Dance Remix) -- Kelly Rowland
• Let it Rock -- Kevin Rudolf ft. Lil Wayne
• Jump -- Kris Kross
• Sweet Dreams -- La Bouche
• Are You Gonna Go My Way? -- Lenny Kravitz
• Break Stuff -- Limp Bizkit
• Rumors -- Lindsay Lohan
• My Own Worst Enemy -- Lit
• I've Been Thinking About You -- Londonbeat
• The Creep -- The Lonely Island ft. Nicki Minaj
• Jizz in my Pants -- The Lonely Island
• I'm on a Boat -- The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain
• Like a Boss -- The Lonely Island
• I Just Had Sex -- The Lonely Island ft. Akon
• Mambo No. 5 -- Lou Bega
• Boys Don't Matter -- Love Sick Radio
• Good Vibrations -- Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch
• We R Who We R -- Ke$ha
• Ooohhhweee --Master P.
• Shake It -- Metro Station
• Party in the USA -- Miley Cyrus
• 7 Things -- Miley Cyrus
• Get Ur Freak On -- Missy Elliot
• Mo Money, Mo Problems -- The Notorious B.I.G. ft. Puff Daddy & Mase
• Come Out and Play -- The Offspring
• I Write Sins Not Tragedies -- Panic! at the Disco
• F**k Authority -- Pennywise
• So What -- Pink
• Trouble -- Pink
• U + Ur Hand -- Pink
• Boom -- P.O.D.
• Lump -- The Presidents of the United States of America
• Double Vision -- 3OH!3 ft. Wiz Khalifa
• Space Jam -- Quad City DJs
• C'Mon N' Ride It -- Quad City DJs
• Bulls on Parade -- Rage Against the Machine
• Give Me Your Hand (Best Song Ever) -- The Ready Set
• Automatic Lover (Call for Love) -- Real McCoy
• I Like to Move it -- Reel 2 Real
• Livin' la Vida Loca -- Ricky Martin
• Scatman -- Scatman John
• Temperature -- Sean Paul
• Romance -- Serani
• Breakn' a Sweat (Zedd Remix) -- Skrillix & Members from the Doors
• Butterfly -- Smile D. K.
• The Power -- Snap!
• Spice up Your Life -- Spice Girls
• Wannabe -- Spice Girls
• Got Your Back -- T.I. ft. Keri Hilson
• Whoomp!  There it is -- Tag Team
• Dynamite -- Taio Cruz
• Break Your Heart -- Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris
• Closer -- Tegan & Sara
• Semi-Charmed Life -- Third Eye Blind
• Riot -- Three Days Grace
• I Think We're Alone Now -- Tiffany
• Mickey -- Toni Basil
• I Do -- Toya
• Best Friend -- Toybox
• Walk it Out -- DJ Unk
• DJ Got us Fallin' in Love -- Usher
• Ninja Rap -- Vanilla Ice
• Ice, Ice Baby -- Vanilla Ice
• No Rain -- Blind Melon
• Song 2 -- Blur
• The Patient Ferris Wheel -- The Gaslight Anthem
• Inside Out -- Eve 6
• Talk to Me, Dance with Me -- Hot Hot Heat
• What is Love -- Haddaway
• Scotty Doesn't Know -- Lustra
• Where Do You Go -- No Mercy
• Marry You -- Bruno Mars
• Holding Out for a Hero -- From the Shrek 2 Soundtrack
• Be My Lover -- La Bouche
• Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom --Vengaboys
• We Like the Party -- Vengaboys
• Sex on the Beach -- Vengaboys
• Somebody that I Used to Know -- Walk Off the Earth
• Check it Out -- Will.I.Am & Nicki Minaj
• Gettin' Jiggy Wit It -- Will Smith
• Miami -- Will Smith
• Shots -- LMFAO & Lil Jon
• We no Speak Americano -- Yoland Be Cool & Dcup
• Lights (Bassnectar Remix) -- Ellie Goulding

Seems like a lot, but it's really not.  Ha!  Even with all these things, I still experience loneliness, I still experience sadness, I still experience anger.  But I live those emotions.  I work through those emotions.  I get over things.  I experience happiness.  I experience joy.  I learn to be happy being alone.... plus talking to the cat helps.

 

So I challenge you.  Find something new.  Throw yourself into it.  Wholeheartedly.  Don't give up.  Don't try.  Just do.  Try means you're giving yourself the option to fail.  Do it.  Experience it.  Enjoy it.  Complete it.  Share it.

 

 

-R.