I wish I could be just a little less dramatic, like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames...

I'm not the girl that got away, but the girl you failed to keep. 


Hello followers and friends!




I know it's been a while, and while I would like to apologize, I'm not going to.  You see, I went through a dark time.  It took me a while to get through it, but I think I have finally come out for the better.

Before I get into the details of everything, I want to put this disclaimer out there.... yes, I will admit that I though about hurting myself during this rough time.  BUT I DID NOT!  Self-harm is never an option, nor is suicide.  I would have never hurt myself.  I know that people would be disappointed in me. 




Ok, now down to the nitty gritty deets....

So, I've been in a depression for a while.  It got so bad that I ended up not going to work a couple times.  Simply because I couldn't get out of bed.  I was suffering from insomnia, and couldn't seem to fall asleep.  Once I managed to, I couldn't get myself out of bed.

I reached out for help.  I went to my doctor, who recommended a couple of therapists.  (I have yet to find one I like, but whatever.  I can do this.)  I turned to friends and family for help.  And then, by the grace of a higher power....

I discovered that my ex was now in a relationship.  With a very attractive girl.  And he tells her all the same things he used to say to me. 

So had a five minute melt-down after this, because, well.... let's be honest.  No one likes being the miserable one while their ex is loving their life.  I cried.  I yelled.  I called my momma. 

And then I did the bravest thing I have ever done.... I cleaned out anything and everything that reminded me of him.  Presents, collectibles, a friggin' digital photo frame!  I got rid of it.  AND.... I even placed my wedding dress on eBay.  Without the tears!

Holy crap I feel so liberated!  I finally feel happy.  I've started dating again.  Nothing serious, but everything in due time.

So with this post, may you find your strength to find your happiness.  And if you're struggling, please reach out to someone you love. 

And always know, dear readers, that I love each and everyone one of you, and am truly blessed to share this experience with you.



-R.

She looks up at the building, says she's thinking of jumping. She says she's tired of life. She must be tired of something....

When will enough be enough?


The night is still, unlike my mind.  It's quiet, almost like a whisper.  Almost a full moon.  Beautiful.  And yet, I feel trapped.  I feel blocked by the concrete and the bricks, starved for a connection.  A chance to get away.  I long for the lake, the sound of the waves as they kissed the shore.  Being completely alone with myself and the world.  Enjoying the solace that it brings.  There's not even a breeze tonight.  It's as if the world itself has given up, holding her breath to try and change.  But she's become a stagnant being, afraid of life. 

Just like me.

No longer do I feel the call of adventure just beyond the borders.  No longer do I get the rush from late nights.  No longer do I feel connected to the beat of the earth, calling to me to live.  How can I hear the call through all the noise in my head?  Hoe can I begin to start over again?  Do we ever really begin again?

My soul is nothing by darkness.  All I feel is a never-ending despair.  I put the happy on, so no one can tell that inside I'm drowning.  I am alone in this world, trapped within my own mind.  I am a prisoner within my own brain, unable to find the key, or the lock, or the door to get out of the prison.  I just want out of the shell that I have become. 

Remember who you used to be.
-- R.


 
DISCLAIMER: Please do not worry about me.  I am having a moment, but this, too, shall pass.
As I sat on the balcony of my apartment, writing the words you just read, I began to think back to the people who helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.  And I realized they are no longer there.  I'm sure a few would be available if I needed something, but they aren't there.  It's as if they do not exist outside of my brain.  I can't touch them, I can't hug them.  I can't cry on their shoulders.  And how I wish I could.  I wish I could just return to my hometown, and have it be like it was four years ago.  All of us around a campfire, listening to one of the many talented musicians bust out a great sing-along on the acoustic.  Playing cards and laughing hysterically at the stupid things we used to do. 

But alas, all great things must come to an end.  Will those people forever hold a special place in my heart?  Of course.  They were the greatest group of friends that anyone could ever hope for.  They pissed you off, held you up, had your back, and made you laugh.  I really miss them.  And I hope they all know how much I truly love each and every one of them.  They were my family, and I will always feel that kinship.  And to those that are no longer with us, rest easy my friends.  Our paths will cross again.

The insomnia has kicked in once again.  It's going to be a long night. 

Have faith, my friends.  It is always darkest before the dawn.  A new sun will rise tomorrow, and we will have the chance to be great.  Tell someone you love them (honestly.  Don't throw that word around so much.  Save it for the ones who truly matter).  Give them a million hugs and kisses, and make sure that they know how much they mean to you.  And hold on to those friendships.  Do not let them drift away.

 

 

So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep....

It seems no one can help me now.  I'm in too deep, there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray.

It's been a while.  And I have paid the price.  Dearly.

I've been slowly spiraling back into the emptiness, the darkness, that consumes my life.  I didn't realize it fully until last night, when I was out with my best friend, and found myself jealous of everyone in the bar.  Even the old man who was ridiculously off-key during karaoke.  And I began to question myself?  Why could I not enjoy myself like they all were?  Why did I spend the whole night with this thought that something was going to happen, when I already knew that this was false?

Even as I sat down to write tonight, I found myself at a blank.  I am no longer interested in people's lives on facebook, nor the once inspiring posts on pinterest, and yet... I want to be.  I want to find solace in the things that once brought me pleasure.  I want to feel whole again, as I used to back home.  I want to be me again.

I was glancing through my previous posts, trying to see if I had used a certain lyric for a title, when I stopped at a post back in December.  Without even thinking, I began reading the post, only to discover that it was the post about the dream that I had, in which I felt inspired to keep the positive in my life, and not be consumed by the negative.  And I realized.... things happen for a reason.

I was meant to reread that post. 

It's weird how the world works.  I was giving a motivational speech at a high school in a town that reminded me of home, when a kid in the junior class came up to me.  I had noticed that I struck this kid's fancy, because throughout the speech, he was staring at me (and not to be judgmental, but he looked like the last kid who would listen to things like that).  He asked me a question, and then began to cry.  I walked outside with him, and we started talking about things.  After our talk, I informed the principal, who quickly intercepted him, and took him to the counselor's office, who hooked him up with the help he so desperately wanted and needed.  He was meant to hear me.

And I believe that I am meant for so much more that what my life is right now.  I am not happy in my current situation, but there are things I can do to change that.  It may be a long and hard road, and I may not be the same after, but I was meant to do this. 

I am about to make myself some coffee (at 10:42pm) because I love the smell and taste of it.  And then I am going to sit down, and write some letters that are long overdue to some people who probably never realized how much their friendship has meant to me over the years.  Because this is where I start anew.

We were meant to live for so much more....

-R.

Everybody dance now!

It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes.  Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. -- Tupac



I've been battling this horrendous cold all weekend, so I've had a lot of time to think about this post.  I keep getting asked how I occupy my time, now that I have no one to answer to, or share my time with.  It's kind of funny the way people say this to me, because they try to do it in a sensitive way, but more often they should like assholes because of the way it comes out.  I'm completely over the relationship that way, and am beginning to find happiness in my daily life... something that I haven't been able to do in a really long time.

So allow me to share what I'm doing to occupy my time.  Maybe I can spark a new interest for some of you, even without the heartbreak.

• I've reached over 100 finds geocaching.  I absolutely love doing this, and am kind of sad that I'm sick this weekend, otherwise I would have spent the whole weekend looking for treasures.

             

 

• I've been working on some new artwork projects.

• I've created my bucket list (and managed to cross some things out).

  

 

• I've begun my (one of many) Smashbook(s).

           

 

• I'm reading the Hunger Games.
• I'm watching documentaries.
• I'm working on school.
• I'm making new friends.
• I'm learning Spanish.
• I'm going to start working out again, so I created this ridiculous playlist.  Wanna see it?  Yeah, you wanna see it.
•  I Can't Do it Alone -- 3OH!3
• Tootsee Roll -- 69 Boyz
• Thunderstruck -- AC/DC
• Right Now (Na Na Na) -- Akon
• Party Hard -- Andrew W. K.
• Barbie Girl -- Aqua
• Girlfriend -- Avril Lavigne
• Everybody (Backstreet's Back) -- Backstreet Boys
• Larger than Life -- Backstreet Boys
• One Week -- Barenaked Ladies
• Satisfaction -- Benny Benassi
• Freak'um Dress -- Beyonce
• Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it) -- Beyonce
• Girl Fight -- Brooke Valentine ft. Big Boi
• Boom Boom Pow -- Black Eyed Peas
• Womanizer -- Britney Spears
• Do Somethin' -- Britney Spears
• Toxic -- Britney Spears
• (You Drive Me) Crazy -- Britney Spears
• Born to Run -- Bruce Springsteen
• Lit Up -- Buckcherry
• Crazy Bitch -- Buckcherry
• Zoot Suit Riot -- Cherry Poppin' Daddies
• Hot Mess -- Cobra Starship
• What You Got -- Colby O'Donis ft. Akon
• Mr. Jones -- Counting Crows
• Music is my Hot, Hot Sex -- CSS
• Gasolina -- Daddy Yankee
• Where Them Girls At -- David Guetta
• Getting Over You -- David Guetta ft. Chris Willis, Fergie, & LMFAO
• Ghosts 'n' Stuff -- deadmau5
• Groove is in the Heart -- Deee-Lite
• Enjoy the Silence -- Depeche Mode
• Lose my Breath -- Destiny's Child
• Jumpin' Jumpin' -- Destiny's Child
• Bootylicious -- Destiny's Child
• The Game -- Disturbed
• California Girls (DJ Envy Remix) -- Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg
• Like a G6 (DJ Fletch Remix) -- Far East Movement
• Move, Shake, Drop (Remix) -- Flo Rida
• Unbelievable -- EMF
• My Name Is -- Eminem
• My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It) -- En Vogue
• Go Ape -- Far East Movement ft. Lil Jon & LMFAO
• Everlong -- Foo Fighters
• One Step at a Time -- Four Year Strong
• Some Nights -- Fun.
• I Like It -- Enrique Iglesias
• The Queen and I -- Gym Class Heroes
• Bring 'em Out -- Hawk Nelson
• Call 'n' Return (Say That You're Into Me) -- Hellogoodbye
• Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn -- Hellogoodbye
• With Love -- Hilary Duff
• Jump Around -- House of Pain
• Sweat -- Inner Circle
• Together Again -- Janet Jackson
• Can I Get A... -- Jay-Z
• Are You Gonna Be My Girl -- Jet
• Sexy Back -- Justin Timberlake
• Die Young -- Ke$ha
• 22nd Century -- Kelis
• Commander (Extended Dance Remix) -- Kelly Rowland
• Let it Rock -- Kevin Rudolf ft. Lil Wayne
• Jump -- Kris Kross
• Sweet Dreams -- La Bouche
• Are You Gonna Go My Way? -- Lenny Kravitz
• Break Stuff -- Limp Bizkit
• Rumors -- Lindsay Lohan
• My Own Worst Enemy -- Lit
• I've Been Thinking About You -- Londonbeat
• The Creep -- The Lonely Island ft. Nicki Minaj
• Jizz in my Pants -- The Lonely Island
• I'm on a Boat -- The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain
• Like a Boss -- The Lonely Island
• I Just Had Sex -- The Lonely Island ft. Akon
• Mambo No. 5 -- Lou Bega
• Boys Don't Matter -- Love Sick Radio
• Good Vibrations -- Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch
• We R Who We R -- Ke$ha
• Ooohhhweee --Master P.
• Shake It -- Metro Station
• Party in the USA -- Miley Cyrus
• 7 Things -- Miley Cyrus
• Get Ur Freak On -- Missy Elliot
• Mo Money, Mo Problems -- The Notorious B.I.G. ft. Puff Daddy & Mase
• Come Out and Play -- The Offspring
• I Write Sins Not Tragedies -- Panic! at the Disco
• F**k Authority -- Pennywise
• So What -- Pink
• Trouble -- Pink
• U + Ur Hand -- Pink
• Boom -- P.O.D.
• Lump -- The Presidents of the United States of America
• Double Vision -- 3OH!3 ft. Wiz Khalifa
• Space Jam -- Quad City DJs
• C'Mon N' Ride It -- Quad City DJs
• Bulls on Parade -- Rage Against the Machine
• Give Me Your Hand (Best Song Ever) -- The Ready Set
• Automatic Lover (Call for Love) -- Real McCoy
• I Like to Move it -- Reel 2 Real
• Livin' la Vida Loca -- Ricky Martin
• Scatman -- Scatman John
• Temperature -- Sean Paul
• Romance -- Serani
• Breakn' a Sweat (Zedd Remix) -- Skrillix & Members from the Doors
• Butterfly -- Smile D. K.
• The Power -- Snap!
• Spice up Your Life -- Spice Girls
• Wannabe -- Spice Girls
• Got Your Back -- T.I. ft. Keri Hilson
• Whoomp!  There it is -- Tag Team
• Dynamite -- Taio Cruz
• Break Your Heart -- Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris
• Closer -- Tegan & Sara
• Semi-Charmed Life -- Third Eye Blind
• Riot -- Three Days Grace
• I Think We're Alone Now -- Tiffany
• Mickey -- Toni Basil
• I Do -- Toya
• Best Friend -- Toybox
• Walk it Out -- DJ Unk
• DJ Got us Fallin' in Love -- Usher
• Ninja Rap -- Vanilla Ice
• Ice, Ice Baby -- Vanilla Ice
• No Rain -- Blind Melon
• Song 2 -- Blur
• The Patient Ferris Wheel -- The Gaslight Anthem
• Inside Out -- Eve 6
• Talk to Me, Dance with Me -- Hot Hot Heat
• What is Love -- Haddaway
• Scotty Doesn't Know -- Lustra
• Where Do You Go -- No Mercy
• Marry You -- Bruno Mars
• Holding Out for a Hero -- From the Shrek 2 Soundtrack
• Be My Lover -- La Bouche
• Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom --Vengaboys
• We Like the Party -- Vengaboys
• Sex on the Beach -- Vengaboys
• Somebody that I Used to Know -- Walk Off the Earth
• Check it Out -- Will.I.Am & Nicki Minaj
• Gettin' Jiggy Wit It -- Will Smith
• Miami -- Will Smith
• Shots -- LMFAO & Lil Jon
• We no Speak Americano -- Yoland Be Cool & Dcup
• Lights (Bassnectar Remix) -- Ellie Goulding

Seems like a lot, but it's really not.  Ha!  Even with all these things, I still experience loneliness, I still experience sadness, I still experience anger.  But I live those emotions.  I work through those emotions.  I get over things.  I experience happiness.  I experience joy.  I learn to be happy being alone.... plus talking to the cat helps.

 

So I challenge you.  Find something new.  Throw yourself into it.  Wholeheartedly.  Don't give up.  Don't try.  Just do.  Try means you're giving yourself the option to fail.  Do it.  Experience it.  Enjoy it.  Complete it.  Share it.

 

 

-R.