You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well just do whatever you want...

I'm not sure what happened at the beginning of this year.....

..... something changed within me.....

 

.....I became genuinely happy.....

 

 

....and now....

 

...my life can truly begin....

 

 

 

 

 

I recently received my tax returns, and rather than rush out and spend it on emptiness, like drinking my life away in the bar, spending money on people who don't reciprocate the kindness, or buying the unnecessary shit that society tells me I need, I made a mental list of all the awesome things I've ever wanted to do....

 

 

And from there, I decided that I needed to do more things for me.  I spend five days a week taking care of other people's kids, stressing over these kids' futures and choices, making sure they stay out of trouble... and the rest of my time is spent taking care of friends, making them happy... and for what?  It's not my responsibility.

 

So my first stop on this journey for myself was to a sporting goods store, in which I picked up a 6-person tent for $100.  Yep... I sure did.  I don't need a 6 person sleeper, but I wanted it, because, let's face it, I could go out camping, and keep everything in my tent.  From there, I went to an electronics store, and finally bought myself a decent camera.  So in addition to my Polaroid camera (yes, they still make those), two lomography cameras, an old 35mm that belonged to my grandmother, and the camera on my cell phone, I now own a Canon rebel.  And for shits and giggles, I bought a tripod, because let's face it, I'm not the most graceful or balanced person. (*Side note: I broke my ankle running down a flight of stairs, I fell of a bike and needed 13 stitches [two under the skin], tore a ligament in my knee, and pulled a piano bench across my shin, which could have resulted in a broken bone, plus all the times I walk into things).  Next on my journey was to hit the arts supply store, which was having a mega sale, so I got tons of awesome things.  I've also finished setting up my altar (two years in the making), so now I can meditate and practice within my home.  And about ten minutes ago, I signed up for a photography class that my mother had recently completed -- The Rebel's Guide to Falling in Love with Photography

 

You can read about it on her blog: Sticks and Stones (and these old bones)

 

In these coming weeks, there will be pictures, there will be artwork, there will be the emotions that I feel inside radiating out in whatever ways that I can make them come.  I only wish that others can experience what I feel inside.  And I'm going to simplify my life.  I don't need the fallacies that society portrays we do, and I can do things for free that I enjoy.  And if I have to go alone, so be it.

 

Follow your arrow, wherever it points.
-R.

PS: You need to see this....

Follow Your Arrow



 

 

One day this all will change...

Howdy stranger!

I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.

I'm glad to say that I AM BACK!  And better than ever!

So here's the long story short:

I spiraled into a deep depression.  Started going to therapy.  Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy.  Joined a gym.  Started eating better.  Lost 7 pounds and still going!

Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went.  I was never happy.  I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself.  Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could.  I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of.  I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16.  And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.

I should probably backtrack on this.  Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD.  Because of this, I developed addictions.  I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake.  From there, I became a closet drug addict.  I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in.  I cannot remember about four years of my life.  Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up.  I changed my group of friends.  I avoided certain places.  I ran away -- to college.  And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again.  Different schools, different friends, different places.  I just kept running....

.... up until about three months ago.  When I finally grew too tired to run.  Too tired to continue.  And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again.  And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....

I joined a gym.  I started eating more fruits and veggies.  I started taking the dog to the dog park.  I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking.  I just want to get my life back on track.  I want to be me again.  Honestly, truly me. 

So this is where I begin to rewrite my story.  I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride.  I just hope that you come along with me.

This one's for the girls who've ever had a broken heart, who've wished upon a shooting star....

.... You're beautiful the way you are.



Life sure has been crazy lately. 

I've been struggling for a while now, trying to figure out what I can do to make me happy, and it seems like no matter what I do, I just can't get there.  (For those just joining us, you can read the details here.) 

Well, I started doing my own thing.... I started spending 15-20 minutes in the morning, while drinking my coffee, to work out.  Nothing too major, just something small to make me feel awesome.  Here's what I've been doing:

(thanks to the lovelies at downtownn.tumblr.com for this fabulous workout plan!)

So every morning, I get up, I find my day, and I work out.  I also add in some other things (like toning the guns), just for schnitz and giggles.  (5 points to the house that can figure out that reference [10 points to the house that can figure out that reference]).  Nothing major.... just something to help me out.  And never mind those skinny chicks in the image.... replace them with your own motivation.  Mine tends to be something like this:

(That's me on the right.... sixth grade... lowest weight ever.... walked 4 miles a day...)

 

Granted, I know I will probably never get to that weight again in my life, but I would like to see that thin face again, and the tiny arms, and that collar bone... 

 

And I think I will succeed this time.....

 

Because for the first time in four years, I don't give a fuck.  Let me repeat that... I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.  Period. End of story.

 

For the first time in four years (since I left my hometown to set off on my own adventure), I honestly don't care what others think.  I don't care if you think I'm fat, or perfect the way I am.  I don't care if you like me better as a brunette than a blond.  I don't care if you think that outfit looks horrendous on me.  I am who I am.  Your approval is not needed.

 

This time around, it's about making me better.  I watched several adults play sports with some kids today at work, and I realized I wanted to be that staff.  I wanted to be the one who can go play soccer with the best of them, and not feel like passing out after 2.3 seconds.  I also want to run.  I see people running all the time in my neighborhood, and I think, I want to do that.  I want to be the person, sweat dripping down my face, in a sports bra, all toned, earbuds in, running through the neighborhood.  I want to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel my heart beating in my head. I want to be healthy.  I don't want to just survive......

 

I WANT TO LIVE.

 

So here it is folks.  This is where I end this story and begin a new one.  I will keep this blog open for a little bit, and will reference back once the new one is up and running.  Thank you to all my loyal readers.  You have no idea how much you have pushed me to become something truly incredible. 

 

I want you to live.  Get off your computer/phone/tablet/etc.  Go outside and look at the stars.  Don't think about anything.  Just look and listen.  Mother Earth calls to you.  Will you answer? 

 

 

Don't just survive.... live.

 

Much love.

 

-R.

 

I wish I could be just a little less dramatic, like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames...

I'm not the girl that got away, but the girl you failed to keep. 


Hello followers and friends!




I know it's been a while, and while I would like to apologize, I'm not going to.  You see, I went through a dark time.  It took me a while to get through it, but I think I have finally come out for the better.

Before I get into the details of everything, I want to put this disclaimer out there.... yes, I will admit that I though about hurting myself during this rough time.  BUT I DID NOT!  Self-harm is never an option, nor is suicide.  I would have never hurt myself.  I know that people would be disappointed in me. 




Ok, now down to the nitty gritty deets....

So, I've been in a depression for a while.  It got so bad that I ended up not going to work a couple times.  Simply because I couldn't get out of bed.  I was suffering from insomnia, and couldn't seem to fall asleep.  Once I managed to, I couldn't get myself out of bed.

I reached out for help.  I went to my doctor, who recommended a couple of therapists.  (I have yet to find one I like, but whatever.  I can do this.)  I turned to friends and family for help.  And then, by the grace of a higher power....

I discovered that my ex was now in a relationship.  With a very attractive girl.  And he tells her all the same things he used to say to me. 

So had a five minute melt-down after this, because, well.... let's be honest.  No one likes being the miserable one while their ex is loving their life.  I cried.  I yelled.  I called my momma. 

And then I did the bravest thing I have ever done.... I cleaned out anything and everything that reminded me of him.  Presents, collectibles, a friggin' digital photo frame!  I got rid of it.  AND.... I even placed my wedding dress on eBay.  Without the tears!

Holy crap I feel so liberated!  I finally feel happy.  I've started dating again.  Nothing serious, but everything in due time.

So with this post, may you find your strength to find your happiness.  And if you're struggling, please reach out to someone you love. 

And always know, dear readers, that I love each and everyone one of you, and am truly blessed to share this experience with you.



-R.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep....

It seems no one can help me now.  I'm in too deep, there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray.

It's been a while.  And I have paid the price.  Dearly.

I've been slowly spiraling back into the emptiness, the darkness, that consumes my life.  I didn't realize it fully until last night, when I was out with my best friend, and found myself jealous of everyone in the bar.  Even the old man who was ridiculously off-key during karaoke.  And I began to question myself?  Why could I not enjoy myself like they all were?  Why did I spend the whole night with this thought that something was going to happen, when I already knew that this was false?

Even as I sat down to write tonight, I found myself at a blank.  I am no longer interested in people's lives on facebook, nor the once inspiring posts on pinterest, and yet... I want to be.  I want to find solace in the things that once brought me pleasure.  I want to feel whole again, as I used to back home.  I want to be me again.

I was glancing through my previous posts, trying to see if I had used a certain lyric for a title, when I stopped at a post back in December.  Without even thinking, I began reading the post, only to discover that it was the post about the dream that I had, in which I felt inspired to keep the positive in my life, and not be consumed by the negative.  And I realized.... things happen for a reason.

I was meant to reread that post. 

It's weird how the world works.  I was giving a motivational speech at a high school in a town that reminded me of home, when a kid in the junior class came up to me.  I had noticed that I struck this kid's fancy, because throughout the speech, he was staring at me (and not to be judgmental, but he looked like the last kid who would listen to things like that).  He asked me a question, and then began to cry.  I walked outside with him, and we started talking about things.  After our talk, I informed the principal, who quickly intercepted him, and took him to the counselor's office, who hooked him up with the help he so desperately wanted and needed.  He was meant to hear me.

And I believe that I am meant for so much more that what my life is right now.  I am not happy in my current situation, but there are things I can do to change that.  It may be a long and hard road, and I may not be the same after, but I was meant to do this. 

I am about to make myself some coffee (at 10:42pm) because I love the smell and taste of it.  And then I am going to sit down, and write some letters that are long overdue to some people who probably never realized how much their friendship has meant to me over the years.  Because this is where I start anew.

We were meant to live for so much more....

-R.

Who will save your souls if you won't save your own?

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

I've been in a really dark space the last couple of days.  I've been inside my head too much.  And I can't seem to shake it.  I've tried everything that normally works for me, and yet, I still feel like a worthless piece of shit.

Friday was the worst.  Friday, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I forced myself to.  I forced myself to go to work.  I forced myself to sit in front of my computer, and did completely nothing.  I made it look like I was working on things, but in actuality, I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Even as I sit here writing this post, I feel miserable.  I have so much to be happy for, but I can't seem to get myself into that happy space.  I want to be happy.  I hate feeling this way.  It's like something in my head has gone completely haywire, and I even though I know how to fix it, I can't seem to find the one wire I need to make it better.

I have a feeling it is because I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing... I'm looking for things that I don't need right now in my life.  Maybe that is why I'm so completely miserable.  I reactivated my profile on a dating website again.... and that seems to be when this miserable feeling started. 

Holy shit.

Even as I write about it, it's like the universe is telling me to deactivate it.  I never thought that would have been the cause.  Thanks dear readers.  I know you had nothing to do with this, but since I feel that I need to write for you, maybe you did have an effect on me.

I just deactivated it.  I feel like something has been lifted.  Who knew that I would be so in tune with the universe that this action would help.  Strange.  Something is planned for me.  I know it.  Time to look into it.

If anyone knows of any scholarship programs that will allow me to travel the world for research, can someone please let me know?  I think I want to study other cultures for my doctoral thesis.

And for the first time in a few days, there's a smile on my face.


Slow down everyone.  You're moving too fast.

-R.

Remember me when you're out walking, when snow falls high outside your door, late at night when you're not sleeping and moonlight falls across your floor... when I can't hurt you anymore...

This, too, shall pass...

I'm having a rough day today... holy shit.  It's quarter to midnight, and it just continues to get worse and worse.  And I know a lot of it is because I keep thinking... subconsciously.

Today would have been my dear friend Amber's 24th birthday.  We lost her almost 2 years ago to brain cancer.  And I miss her dearly... every day...

It's like, when you're having a really shitty day, and you had that one person that you could rely on to make the world seem just a little brighter?  That was AmHo. She was so full of life and love.  She was truly, honestly, one of the best friends I could've ever asked for.  She was like a sister.  And I never got to say goodbye.  I never was able to tell her exactly what she meant to me.  I know that she knew, but it's just so hard to let that go.  I should've been there for her.  And I wasn't.

On top of this, I had to break the trust of one of the girls at work, and make a mandated report.  And she is now furious with me. 

And if that wasn't enough... as I'm writing this, the song that was played at my friend Brad's funeral just came on, and now I've burst into tears. 

I think I need to go home... to New York... for a visit.  I need to see friends and family.  I need to feel that energy from them.  I just need a chance to reset.

I'm getting to the point in my life when the monotony starts to take hold.  I want a new job.  I want to move away from this city.  I want out. 

I've got a gypsy soul and a hippie mindset.

Tell someone you love them, for you never know when it will be the last chance to.

-R.

 

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind

In an hour and a half, it will be 12.12.12 ..... so what?

Everyone is posting on Facebook about 12.12.12 ..... and I don't see the significance in it.  I understand that 12 is a number of wholeness in many cultures, and that it's supposed to be a magical day that provides luck to everyone.. but I just don't know.

I find it hard to believe in anything anymore.  I trust too much.  I rely on the goodness in others too much.  I give too much.  I just can't continue to think that there's good in the world, when I struggle so hard to see it.

I hate this time of the year.  I've been asked by so many how I can hate Christmas (blasphemy!).  It's not that I hate Christmas.... I just hate what the season has become.  This whole season was about spending time with those you love, and helping those in need.  Nowadays, it's become about who has the biggest and best gifts, how much money you spend, and greed.  I can't take it.

I have given more this season than I have in the past years.... and yet I seem to fall farther and farther back into the abyss that has become my life.  I can't find my smile without others being around.  I want to.  I want to be a better person.  I want to do more things in my life.  I want to have fun, and be carefree, and exciting.  And I set all these awesome goals with every intent of starting to do something with my life... and I fail.  Every. Single. Time.

I need a muse.  A bit of inspiration.  I need a change.

-R.






I need a friend.