You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well just do whatever you want...

I'm not sure what happened at the beginning of this year.....

..... something changed within me.....

 

.....I became genuinely happy.....

 

 

....and now....

 

...my life can truly begin....

 

 

 

 

 

I recently received my tax returns, and rather than rush out and spend it on emptiness, like drinking my life away in the bar, spending money on people who don't reciprocate the kindness, or buying the unnecessary shit that society tells me I need, I made a mental list of all the awesome things I've ever wanted to do....

 

 

And from there, I decided that I needed to do more things for me.  I spend five days a week taking care of other people's kids, stressing over these kids' futures and choices, making sure they stay out of trouble... and the rest of my time is spent taking care of friends, making them happy... and for what?  It's not my responsibility.

 

So my first stop on this journey for myself was to a sporting goods store, in which I picked up a 6-person tent for $100.  Yep... I sure did.  I don't need a 6 person sleeper, but I wanted it, because, let's face it, I could go out camping, and keep everything in my tent.  From there, I went to an electronics store, and finally bought myself a decent camera.  So in addition to my Polaroid camera (yes, they still make those), two lomography cameras, an old 35mm that belonged to my grandmother, and the camera on my cell phone, I now own a Canon rebel.  And for shits and giggles, I bought a tripod, because let's face it, I'm not the most graceful or balanced person. (*Side note: I broke my ankle running down a flight of stairs, I fell of a bike and needed 13 stitches [two under the skin], tore a ligament in my knee, and pulled a piano bench across my shin, which could have resulted in a broken bone, plus all the times I walk into things).  Next on my journey was to hit the arts supply store, which was having a mega sale, so I got tons of awesome things.  I've also finished setting up my altar (two years in the making), so now I can meditate and practice within my home.  And about ten minutes ago, I signed up for a photography class that my mother had recently completed -- The Rebel's Guide to Falling in Love with Photography

 

You can read about it on her blog: Sticks and Stones (and these old bones)

 

In these coming weeks, there will be pictures, there will be artwork, there will be the emotions that I feel inside radiating out in whatever ways that I can make them come.  I only wish that others can experience what I feel inside.  And I'm going to simplify my life.  I don't need the fallacies that society portrays we do, and I can do things for free that I enjoy.  And if I have to go alone, so be it.

 

Follow your arrow, wherever it points.
-R.

PS: You need to see this....

Follow Your Arrow



 

 

One day this all will change...

Howdy stranger!

I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.

I'm glad to say that I AM BACK!  And better than ever!

So here's the long story short:

I spiraled into a deep depression.  Started going to therapy.  Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy.  Joined a gym.  Started eating better.  Lost 7 pounds and still going!

Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went.  I was never happy.  I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself.  Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could.  I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of.  I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16.  And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.

I should probably backtrack on this.  Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD.  Because of this, I developed addictions.  I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake.  From there, I became a closet drug addict.  I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in.  I cannot remember about four years of my life.  Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up.  I changed my group of friends.  I avoided certain places.  I ran away -- to college.  And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again.  Different schools, different friends, different places.  I just kept running....

.... up until about three months ago.  When I finally grew too tired to run.  Too tired to continue.  And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again.  And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....

I joined a gym.  I started eating more fruits and veggies.  I started taking the dog to the dog park.  I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking.  I just want to get my life back on track.  I want to be me again.  Honestly, truly me. 

So this is where I begin to rewrite my story.  I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride.  I just hope that you come along with me.

This one's for the girls who've ever had a broken heart, who've wished upon a shooting star....

.... You're beautiful the way you are.



Life sure has been crazy lately. 

I've been struggling for a while now, trying to figure out what I can do to make me happy, and it seems like no matter what I do, I just can't get there.  (For those just joining us, you can read the details here.) 

Well, I started doing my own thing.... I started spending 15-20 minutes in the morning, while drinking my coffee, to work out.  Nothing too major, just something small to make me feel awesome.  Here's what I've been doing:

(thanks to the lovelies at downtownn.tumblr.com for this fabulous workout plan!)

So every morning, I get up, I find my day, and I work out.  I also add in some other things (like toning the guns), just for schnitz and giggles.  (5 points to the house that can figure out that reference [10 points to the house that can figure out that reference]).  Nothing major.... just something to help me out.  And never mind those skinny chicks in the image.... replace them with your own motivation.  Mine tends to be something like this:

(That's me on the right.... sixth grade... lowest weight ever.... walked 4 miles a day...)

 

Granted, I know I will probably never get to that weight again in my life, but I would like to see that thin face again, and the tiny arms, and that collar bone... 

 

And I think I will succeed this time.....

 

Because for the first time in four years, I don't give a fuck.  Let me repeat that... I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.  Period. End of story.

 

For the first time in four years (since I left my hometown to set off on my own adventure), I honestly don't care what others think.  I don't care if you think I'm fat, or perfect the way I am.  I don't care if you like me better as a brunette than a blond.  I don't care if you think that outfit looks horrendous on me.  I am who I am.  Your approval is not needed.

 

This time around, it's about making me better.  I watched several adults play sports with some kids today at work, and I realized I wanted to be that staff.  I wanted to be the one who can go play soccer with the best of them, and not feel like passing out after 2.3 seconds.  I also want to run.  I see people running all the time in my neighborhood, and I think, I want to do that.  I want to be the person, sweat dripping down my face, in a sports bra, all toned, earbuds in, running through the neighborhood.  I want to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel my heart beating in my head. I want to be healthy.  I don't want to just survive......

 

I WANT TO LIVE.

 

So here it is folks.  This is where I end this story and begin a new one.  I will keep this blog open for a little bit, and will reference back once the new one is up and running.  Thank you to all my loyal readers.  You have no idea how much you have pushed me to become something truly incredible. 

 

I want you to live.  Get off your computer/phone/tablet/etc.  Go outside and look at the stars.  Don't think about anything.  Just look and listen.  Mother Earth calls to you.  Will you answer? 

 

 

Don't just survive.... live.

 

Much love.

 

-R.

 

What's up Phoenix, what's Up? Phoenix, Jump on it, jump on it, jump on it!

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” -- Benjamin Franklin

This weekend has been the most inspiring, motivating, amazing weekend to date!    Saturday I spent the day cleaning my apartment... to most people that doesn't sound inspiring, but you would be amazed the amount of crap that we allow to build up in our lives!  Just having a clean shower made me feel so much better.  But I legit went through everything.... every cupboard, drawer, closet, everything.  Started to find things that I didn't want anymore and posting them on craigslist.    I got rid of the vinyls that I was going to use for the wedding that never happened.  It was like a weight was being removed.  I never have to look at them again and remind myself of what might have been.  Thank god!  I also got rid of a dresser mirror that I hate.  I'm not one for mirrors anyways, but with the giant ballet mirror in my living/dining area, I needed to get rid of it.  Now on to the dresser!   And then this guy at work text me to tell me about this great documentary about women discrimination throughout the world (including the US), and I ended up watching the whole thing.  The documentary came after the publishing of the book with the same title: Half the Sky.  Check it out.  It's on Netflix.  It's incredible, and took me on an emotional roller coaster.  I was crying, pissed off, and empowered all within the four hours I spent watching it!   Sunday, I went and had "coffee" with some people (coffee is in quotations because the coffee shop at the bookstore was closed... for good).  I sold some books to the bookstore, and the rest I donated.  I had great intellectual conversation with the girls I met.... lots of political ideals and speculations!  Afterward, I went geocaching (which if you know me, it's my biggest obsession in the world).  I found 10 geocaches and some of my favorites to date.  I will post the photos at the end of this post. Then it was time for softball.  I asked our captain to put me infield, and so I got to play 2nd base.  I sucked at it, but I had a blast.  I even got a run!  That's a huge thing for me, because I've never been athletic.... ever!  We won the game, and I cannot wait for next week!!!!!!!!!    Today -- I am thinking I might get dressed and do some more geocaching... or lounge around all day working on homework and dissertation topics.  Who knows?  And who cares?  I am happy, and that's all that matters.   Find something that makes you happy, and hold onto it until your knuckles turn white.  Then hold tighter.   -R.

It's times like these you learn to live again...

Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest challenge. -- Thomas S. Manson

Today has been such a challenge.

All day, I've been fighting emotions off... disgust, jealousy, regret, anger, fear, rejection, unrequited love.... I have gone through just about every emotion known to man today.  It's one of the worst feelings ever.  To be completely out of control.  To be crying one minute, smiling the next, pissed off, scared, ashamed.... What. The. Fuck.


I watched a movie this afternoon, and the more I think about it, the more I come to understand why I was experiencing all that I did today.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home is about a man who believes in fate.  In destiny.  The whole movie is based around him searching for Kevin.  He receives a call for Kevin, he follows a kid named Kevin, follows a candy truck with Kevin on it.... it goes on.  He believes that it is showing him his destiny, which ultimately it does.

What does this have to do with my shit storm of emotions today?  Up until recently, I had been following my life path.  Doing what made me happy, being around people who made me happy.  Then, I stopped.  I stopped doing things by myself.  I stopped caring about my health.  I stopped relying on spiritual things to make me happy.  And today, I am paying for it.

I don't understand where I went wrong.  I know what I need to do.  I think it is because of the initial payoffs that I get from my decisions.  I'm a fucking idiot, that's for sure.  Maybe I was better off doing my own thing.  At least then I was happy.

I'm super excited because in about a month, I will be reconnected with one of my best friends.  And I know that she will help to bring me out of my funk, and encourage me to be better.  Until then, I need to figure my shit out.  I don't like being this person that I am starting to drift back to. 

How the fuck do I get out of this?

-R.

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet, did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day, and head back to the Milky Way?

True success is about satisfying your spirit with spirit things.

 I was reading Karen Salmonsohn's book How to be Happy, Dammit! and life lesson #40 had that line in it.  And it just jumped off the page at me.  I've been so wrapped up in my life, trying to find a new job that paid me more money, so that I could be more, ahem, successful in my life....

Boy am I wrong!

It's not the money that makes a person happy.  I go shopping constantly, trying to get something new that helps me feel happy... and I'm like a child.  I play with it once or twice, and never touch it again.  Eff!!!!! 

I spent last Monday doing things that I enjoyed by myself... for FREE!  I went geocaching, and finally found one that's been bothering me for a while now.  I drove with the windows rolled down, the music cranked up, belting out the lyrics at the top of my lungs.  And I felt so refreshed! 

Last weekend was the best weekend I've had in a really long time.  I spent time at a friend's house, chatting with people that I never really get to talk to intimately, and played Apples to Apples!  I went to the salon and got a haircut after a year of not having one!  I picked up some sale items at Hobby Lobby for my smash book.  I met some new people at Barnes & Noble, and found a great connection with them.

Life is good!  I am satisfying my spirit with spirit things.  Instead of spending money, and trying to fill the void with material things, I am working on being the best person that I can possibly be.  I am doing what I need.  I am spending time alone, and loving every minute of it.  I'm not giving a damn about what people think.  I could care less.  I'm happy.  For the first time in... a really long time... Like since I was a kid. 

I am truly, honestly, ecstatically happy.

And I don't give a damn :)

Do something that satisfies your spirit without spending a dime.

-R.

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know...

Even the best fall down sometimes...


I was sitting here, thinking about how I was going to start out this blog, when it dawned on me.  My blog has had almost 500 views in the little time that I've been working on it.... and I want to know more about you!

Send me your artwork, your pictures, your poems, anything really!  I want to use my followers to inspire others.  What do you do to pick yourself up?  Maybe you write music.  Great!  Youtube that shit, and I'll link to you!

Let's start a movement.  Let's encourage others to do what makes them happy.  Fuck societal rules.  Fuck monetary beliefs.  Fuck everything that you think you know.  Just do what makes you happy.  Do what makes you free.  Do what make you, you.

I look forward to your awesomeness!

-R.