It's times like these you learn to live again...

Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest challenge. -- Thomas S. Manson

Today has been such a challenge.

All day, I've been fighting emotions off... disgust, jealousy, regret, anger, fear, rejection, unrequited love.... I have gone through just about every emotion known to man today.  It's one of the worst feelings ever.  To be completely out of control.  To be crying one minute, smiling the next, pissed off, scared, ashamed.... What. The. Fuck.


I watched a movie this afternoon, and the more I think about it, the more I come to understand why I was experiencing all that I did today.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home is about a man who believes in fate.  In destiny.  The whole movie is based around him searching for Kevin.  He receives a call for Kevin, he follows a kid named Kevin, follows a candy truck with Kevin on it.... it goes on.  He believes that it is showing him his destiny, which ultimately it does.

What does this have to do with my shit storm of emotions today?  Up until recently, I had been following my life path.  Doing what made me happy, being around people who made me happy.  Then, I stopped.  I stopped doing things by myself.  I stopped caring about my health.  I stopped relying on spiritual things to make me happy.  And today, I am paying for it.

I don't understand where I went wrong.  I know what I need to do.  I think it is because of the initial payoffs that I get from my decisions.  I'm a fucking idiot, that's for sure.  Maybe I was better off doing my own thing.  At least then I was happy.

I'm super excited because in about a month, I will be reconnected with one of my best friends.  And I know that she will help to bring me out of my funk, and encourage me to be better.  Until then, I need to figure my shit out.  I don't like being this person that I am starting to drift back to. 

How the fuck do I get out of this?

-R.