I wish I could be just a little less dramatic, like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames...

I'm not the girl that got away, but the girl you failed to keep. 


Hello followers and friends!




I know it's been a while, and while I would like to apologize, I'm not going to.  You see, I went through a dark time.  It took me a while to get through it, but I think I have finally come out for the better.

Before I get into the details of everything, I want to put this disclaimer out there.... yes, I will admit that I though about hurting myself during this rough time.  BUT I DID NOT!  Self-harm is never an option, nor is suicide.  I would have never hurt myself.  I know that people would be disappointed in me. 




Ok, now down to the nitty gritty deets....

So, I've been in a depression for a while.  It got so bad that I ended up not going to work a couple times.  Simply because I couldn't get out of bed.  I was suffering from insomnia, and couldn't seem to fall asleep.  Once I managed to, I couldn't get myself out of bed.

I reached out for help.  I went to my doctor, who recommended a couple of therapists.  (I have yet to find one I like, but whatever.  I can do this.)  I turned to friends and family for help.  And then, by the grace of a higher power....

I discovered that my ex was now in a relationship.  With a very attractive girl.  And he tells her all the same things he used to say to me. 

So had a five minute melt-down after this, because, well.... let's be honest.  No one likes being the miserable one while their ex is loving their life.  I cried.  I yelled.  I called my momma. 

And then I did the bravest thing I have ever done.... I cleaned out anything and everything that reminded me of him.  Presents, collectibles, a friggin' digital photo frame!  I got rid of it.  AND.... I even placed my wedding dress on eBay.  Without the tears!

Holy crap I feel so liberated!  I finally feel happy.  I've started dating again.  Nothing serious, but everything in due time.

So with this post, may you find your strength to find your happiness.  And if you're struggling, please reach out to someone you love. 

And always know, dear readers, that I love each and everyone one of you, and am truly blessed to share this experience with you.



-R.

It's times like these you learn to live again...

Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest challenge. -- Thomas S. Manson

Today has been such a challenge.

All day, I've been fighting emotions off... disgust, jealousy, regret, anger, fear, rejection, unrequited love.... I have gone through just about every emotion known to man today.  It's one of the worst feelings ever.  To be completely out of control.  To be crying one minute, smiling the next, pissed off, scared, ashamed.... What. The. Fuck.


I watched a movie this afternoon, and the more I think about it, the more I come to understand why I was experiencing all that I did today.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home is about a man who believes in fate.  In destiny.  The whole movie is based around him searching for Kevin.  He receives a call for Kevin, he follows a kid named Kevin, follows a candy truck with Kevin on it.... it goes on.  He believes that it is showing him his destiny, which ultimately it does.

What does this have to do with my shit storm of emotions today?  Up until recently, I had been following my life path.  Doing what made me happy, being around people who made me happy.  Then, I stopped.  I stopped doing things by myself.  I stopped caring about my health.  I stopped relying on spiritual things to make me happy.  And today, I am paying for it.

I don't understand where I went wrong.  I know what I need to do.  I think it is because of the initial payoffs that I get from my decisions.  I'm a fucking idiot, that's for sure.  Maybe I was better off doing my own thing.  At least then I was happy.

I'm super excited because in about a month, I will be reconnected with one of my best friends.  And I know that she will help to bring me out of my funk, and encourage me to be better.  Until then, I need to figure my shit out.  I don't like being this person that I am starting to drift back to. 

How the fuck do I get out of this?

-R.