So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep....

It seems no one can help me now.  I'm in too deep, there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray.

It's been a while.  And I have paid the price.  Dearly.

I've been slowly spiraling back into the emptiness, the darkness, that consumes my life.  I didn't realize it fully until last night, when I was out with my best friend, and found myself jealous of everyone in the bar.  Even the old man who was ridiculously off-key during karaoke.  And I began to question myself?  Why could I not enjoy myself like they all were?  Why did I spend the whole night with this thought that something was going to happen, when I already knew that this was false?

Even as I sat down to write tonight, I found myself at a blank.  I am no longer interested in people's lives on facebook, nor the once inspiring posts on pinterest, and yet... I want to be.  I want to find solace in the things that once brought me pleasure.  I want to feel whole again, as I used to back home.  I want to be me again.

I was glancing through my previous posts, trying to see if I had used a certain lyric for a title, when I stopped at a post back in December.  Without even thinking, I began reading the post, only to discover that it was the post about the dream that I had, in which I felt inspired to keep the positive in my life, and not be consumed by the negative.  And I realized.... things happen for a reason.

I was meant to reread that post. 

It's weird how the world works.  I was giving a motivational speech at a high school in a town that reminded me of home, when a kid in the junior class came up to me.  I had noticed that I struck this kid's fancy, because throughout the speech, he was staring at me (and not to be judgmental, but he looked like the last kid who would listen to things like that).  He asked me a question, and then began to cry.  I walked outside with him, and we started talking about things.  After our talk, I informed the principal, who quickly intercepted him, and took him to the counselor's office, who hooked him up with the help he so desperately wanted and needed.  He was meant to hear me.

And I believe that I am meant for so much more that what my life is right now.  I am not happy in my current situation, but there are things I can do to change that.  It may be a long and hard road, and I may not be the same after, but I was meant to do this. 

I am about to make myself some coffee (at 10:42pm) because I love the smell and taste of it.  And then I am going to sit down, and write some letters that are long overdue to some people who probably never realized how much their friendship has meant to me over the years.  Because this is where I start anew.

We were meant to live for so much more....

-R.

What's up Phoenix, what's Up? Phoenix, Jump on it, jump on it, jump on it!

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” -- Benjamin Franklin

This weekend has been the most inspiring, motivating, amazing weekend to date!    Saturday I spent the day cleaning my apartment... to most people that doesn't sound inspiring, but you would be amazed the amount of crap that we allow to build up in our lives!  Just having a clean shower made me feel so much better.  But I legit went through everything.... every cupboard, drawer, closet, everything.  Started to find things that I didn't want anymore and posting them on craigslist.    I got rid of the vinyls that I was going to use for the wedding that never happened.  It was like a weight was being removed.  I never have to look at them again and remind myself of what might have been.  Thank god!  I also got rid of a dresser mirror that I hate.  I'm not one for mirrors anyways, but with the giant ballet mirror in my living/dining area, I needed to get rid of it.  Now on to the dresser!   And then this guy at work text me to tell me about this great documentary about women discrimination throughout the world (including the US), and I ended up watching the whole thing.  The documentary came after the publishing of the book with the same title: Half the Sky.  Check it out.  It's on Netflix.  It's incredible, and took me on an emotional roller coaster.  I was crying, pissed off, and empowered all within the four hours I spent watching it!   Sunday, I went and had "coffee" with some people (coffee is in quotations because the coffee shop at the bookstore was closed... for good).  I sold some books to the bookstore, and the rest I donated.  I had great intellectual conversation with the girls I met.... lots of political ideals and speculations!  Afterward, I went geocaching (which if you know me, it's my biggest obsession in the world).  I found 10 geocaches and some of my favorites to date.  I will post the photos at the end of this post. Then it was time for softball.  I asked our captain to put me infield, and so I got to play 2nd base.  I sucked at it, but I had a blast.  I even got a run!  That's a huge thing for me, because I've never been athletic.... ever!  We won the game, and I cannot wait for next week!!!!!!!!!    Today -- I am thinking I might get dressed and do some more geocaching... or lounge around all day working on homework and dissertation topics.  Who knows?  And who cares?  I am happy, and that's all that matters.   Find something that makes you happy, and hold onto it until your knuckles turn white.  Then hold tighter.   -R.

It's times like these you learn to live again...

Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest challenge. -- Thomas S. Manson

Today has been such a challenge.

All day, I've been fighting emotions off... disgust, jealousy, regret, anger, fear, rejection, unrequited love.... I have gone through just about every emotion known to man today.  It's one of the worst feelings ever.  To be completely out of control.  To be crying one minute, smiling the next, pissed off, scared, ashamed.... What. The. Fuck.


I watched a movie this afternoon, and the more I think about it, the more I come to understand why I was experiencing all that I did today.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home is about a man who believes in fate.  In destiny.  The whole movie is based around him searching for Kevin.  He receives a call for Kevin, he follows a kid named Kevin, follows a candy truck with Kevin on it.... it goes on.  He believes that it is showing him his destiny, which ultimately it does.

What does this have to do with my shit storm of emotions today?  Up until recently, I had been following my life path.  Doing what made me happy, being around people who made me happy.  Then, I stopped.  I stopped doing things by myself.  I stopped caring about my health.  I stopped relying on spiritual things to make me happy.  And today, I am paying for it.

I don't understand where I went wrong.  I know what I need to do.  I think it is because of the initial payoffs that I get from my decisions.  I'm a fucking idiot, that's for sure.  Maybe I was better off doing my own thing.  At least then I was happy.

I'm super excited because in about a month, I will be reconnected with one of my best friends.  And I know that she will help to bring me out of my funk, and encourage me to be better.  Until then, I need to figure my shit out.  I don't like being this person that I am starting to drift back to. 

How the fuck do I get out of this?

-R.

Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again

I need to learn to be comfortable being alone.


My twin just left, and I'm alone again.  Something has died inside of me.  I feel like a mad woman, talking to the cat.  I don't know what to do with myself.

I find that I rely too much on others to help me define myself.  I know that I'm loud and crazy.  Do I really need someone to be there to see it?  I know that I like to talk to other people, new people, random people.... but do I need someone there to support me?

I'm at a stand still.

I've seriously been contemplating leaving everything behind, and starting over somewhere else.  I love the desert.  I love Phoenix.  I love the weather.  But, I need something more.  I need the ocean.  I need the beach.  I need hippies.  I need a tan.  I need shenanigans. 

I need a friend.

What do I stand for?  What do I want from life?

I stand for those who cannot stand for themselves.  I want to live life to the fullest.  

So why am I so scared?

Why can't I do all that I want to do?  Why can't I be like Brandon, and just follow my dreams?  Why can't I be charming like Evan?  Why can't I be mysterious like Joe?  Why can't I be silly like Bert?  Why can't I be as courageous as Sara? 

I need to figure myself out.  I need to rely on my friends to help me through this.  I need to call someone.

-R.