So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep....

It seems no one can help me now.  I'm in too deep, there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray.

It's been a while.  And I have paid the price.  Dearly.

I've been slowly spiraling back into the emptiness, the darkness, that consumes my life.  I didn't realize it fully until last night, when I was out with my best friend, and found myself jealous of everyone in the bar.  Even the old man who was ridiculously off-key during karaoke.  And I began to question myself?  Why could I not enjoy myself like they all were?  Why did I spend the whole night with this thought that something was going to happen, when I already knew that this was false?

Even as I sat down to write tonight, I found myself at a blank.  I am no longer interested in people's lives on facebook, nor the once inspiring posts on pinterest, and yet... I want to be.  I want to find solace in the things that once brought me pleasure.  I want to feel whole again, as I used to back home.  I want to be me again.

I was glancing through my previous posts, trying to see if I had used a certain lyric for a title, when I stopped at a post back in December.  Without even thinking, I began reading the post, only to discover that it was the post about the dream that I had, in which I felt inspired to keep the positive in my life, and not be consumed by the negative.  And I realized.... things happen for a reason.

I was meant to reread that post. 

It's weird how the world works.  I was giving a motivational speech at a high school in a town that reminded me of home, when a kid in the junior class came up to me.  I had noticed that I struck this kid's fancy, because throughout the speech, he was staring at me (and not to be judgmental, but he looked like the last kid who would listen to things like that).  He asked me a question, and then began to cry.  I walked outside with him, and we started talking about things.  After our talk, I informed the principal, who quickly intercepted him, and took him to the counselor's office, who hooked him up with the help he so desperately wanted and needed.  He was meant to hear me.

And I believe that I am meant for so much more that what my life is right now.  I am not happy in my current situation, but there are things I can do to change that.  It may be a long and hard road, and I may not be the same after, but I was meant to do this. 

I am about to make myself some coffee (at 10:42pm) because I love the smell and taste of it.  And then I am going to sit down, and write some letters that are long overdue to some people who probably never realized how much their friendship has meant to me over the years.  Because this is where I start anew.

We were meant to live for so much more....

-R.

What's up Phoenix, what's Up? Phoenix, Jump on it, jump on it, jump on it!

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” -- Benjamin Franklin

This weekend has been the most inspiring, motivating, amazing weekend to date!    Saturday I spent the day cleaning my apartment... to most people that doesn't sound inspiring, but you would be amazed the amount of crap that we allow to build up in our lives!  Just having a clean shower made me feel so much better.  But I legit went through everything.... every cupboard, drawer, closet, everything.  Started to find things that I didn't want anymore and posting them on craigslist.    I got rid of the vinyls that I was going to use for the wedding that never happened.  It was like a weight was being removed.  I never have to look at them again and remind myself of what might have been.  Thank god!  I also got rid of a dresser mirror that I hate.  I'm not one for mirrors anyways, but with the giant ballet mirror in my living/dining area, I needed to get rid of it.  Now on to the dresser!   And then this guy at work text me to tell me about this great documentary about women discrimination throughout the world (including the US), and I ended up watching the whole thing.  The documentary came after the publishing of the book with the same title: Half the Sky.  Check it out.  It's on Netflix.  It's incredible, and took me on an emotional roller coaster.  I was crying, pissed off, and empowered all within the four hours I spent watching it!   Sunday, I went and had "coffee" with some people (coffee is in quotations because the coffee shop at the bookstore was closed... for good).  I sold some books to the bookstore, and the rest I donated.  I had great intellectual conversation with the girls I met.... lots of political ideals and speculations!  Afterward, I went geocaching (which if you know me, it's my biggest obsession in the world).  I found 10 geocaches and some of my favorites to date.  I will post the photos at the end of this post. Then it was time for softball.  I asked our captain to put me infield, and so I got to play 2nd base.  I sucked at it, but I had a blast.  I even got a run!  That's a huge thing for me, because I've never been athletic.... ever!  We won the game, and I cannot wait for next week!!!!!!!!!    Today -- I am thinking I might get dressed and do some more geocaching... or lounge around all day working on homework and dissertation topics.  Who knows?  And who cares?  I am happy, and that's all that matters.   Find something that makes you happy, and hold onto it until your knuckles turn white.  Then hold tighter.   -R.

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

Oh the days go by so fast....

I had a dream last night.  In it, I was sitting alone in a room.  I had no feelings, no thoughts, nothing.  I was just there.  I walked around, touching the white walls, not with curiosity, but almost with instinct.  Something flickered on the wall, just a little speck, but enough to catch my attention.  As I reached out to touch it, the whole room exploded with lights and sounds.  Images of my life, my hurt, my pain, flashed across the walls.  I was reliving some of the most traumatic and horrifying moments of my life.  And instead of feeling horrible, and wanting to curl up in a ball, I just stood there.  I looked at the objects as if they were not mine.  Almost as if I was admiring artwork in a museum.  The images continued to play, and I continued to walk around, touching the wall, and just looking.  The room goes dark.  In the middle of the room is a light.   Not enough light to illuminate the room, but enough to be seen in the darkness.  I walked over to the light, and stared into it.  An image, about the size of a quarter, began to play.  Things that make me happy flashed across the light spot.  Coffee.  I can smell it.  Fresh snow.  I can feel the cold.  Babies laughing.  I can hear it.  Every little thing that brings a smile to my face was contained in that little bit of light.

I think someone is trying to tell me something.

I apologize to everyone who reads this blog to find inspiration in their darkest hours.  My post yesterday was hardly inspirational.  But I think that people should be able to see that I am not this perfectly strong person.  I have my breakdowns, I have my depressed times, I have my struggles.  You should find inspiration in that I am able to admit my flaws and faults, and am able to pull myself back up.

My dream made an impact on me.  Even with the life struggles that I have gone through, I cannot allow myself to dwell in those.  If I let the walls get covered in the madness that once was my life, I will be consumed.  I find it interesting that in my dream, I was able to not feel attachment to those events.  Even as I write this, I feel limited emotions to those events.  Yes, I still feel the heaviness in my heart, but I don't feel it as much.  The light in the darkness, although small, was powerful enough to make me happy.

And that's what I need.

In those times of darkness, I need to have the strength within myself to make it to the light, the happy things in my life.  If that means I need to have a cup of coffee at midnight, then so be it.  If it means that I need to whip out my Smash*book and start working on it, I'll do it.  I am no longer to be consumed by the negative in my life.

Now, I may stumble.  I may break down.  But I refuse to let myself fail.

Every day is a new chance to succeed.

-R.