Who will save your souls if you won't save your own?

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

I've been in a really dark space the last couple of days.  I've been inside my head too much.  And I can't seem to shake it.  I've tried everything that normally works for me, and yet, I still feel like a worthless piece of shit.

Friday was the worst.  Friday, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I forced myself to.  I forced myself to go to work.  I forced myself to sit in front of my computer, and did completely nothing.  I made it look like I was working on things, but in actuality, I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Even as I sit here writing this post, I feel miserable.  I have so much to be happy for, but I can't seem to get myself into that happy space.  I want to be happy.  I hate feeling this way.  It's like something in my head has gone completely haywire, and I even though I know how to fix it, I can't seem to find the one wire I need to make it better.

I have a feeling it is because I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing... I'm looking for things that I don't need right now in my life.  Maybe that is why I'm so completely miserable.  I reactivated my profile on a dating website again.... and that seems to be when this miserable feeling started. 

Holy shit.

Even as I write about it, it's like the universe is telling me to deactivate it.  I never thought that would have been the cause.  Thanks dear readers.  I know you had nothing to do with this, but since I feel that I need to write for you, maybe you did have an effect on me.

I just deactivated it.  I feel like something has been lifted.  Who knew that I would be so in tune with the universe that this action would help.  Strange.  Something is planned for me.  I know it.  Time to look into it.

If anyone knows of any scholarship programs that will allow me to travel the world for research, can someone please let me know?  I think I want to study other cultures for my doctoral thesis.

And for the first time in a few days, there's a smile on my face.


Slow down everyone.  You're moving too fast.

-R.

Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again

I need to learn to be comfortable being alone.


My twin just left, and I'm alone again.  Something has died inside of me.  I feel like a mad woman, talking to the cat.  I don't know what to do with myself.

I find that I rely too much on others to help me define myself.  I know that I'm loud and crazy.  Do I really need someone to be there to see it?  I know that I like to talk to other people, new people, random people.... but do I need someone there to support me?

I'm at a stand still.

I've seriously been contemplating leaving everything behind, and starting over somewhere else.  I love the desert.  I love Phoenix.  I love the weather.  But, I need something more.  I need the ocean.  I need the beach.  I need hippies.  I need a tan.  I need shenanigans. 

I need a friend.

What do I stand for?  What do I want from life?

I stand for those who cannot stand for themselves.  I want to live life to the fullest.  

So why am I so scared?

Why can't I do all that I want to do?  Why can't I be like Brandon, and just follow my dreams?  Why can't I be charming like Evan?  Why can't I be mysterious like Joe?  Why can't I be silly like Bert?  Why can't I be as courageous as Sara? 

I need to figure myself out.  I need to rely on my friends to help me through this.  I need to call someone.

-R.