One day this all will change...

Howdy stranger!

I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.

I'm glad to say that I AM BACK!  And better than ever!

So here's the long story short:

I spiraled into a deep depression.  Started going to therapy.  Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy.  Joined a gym.  Started eating better.  Lost 7 pounds and still going!

Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went.  I was never happy.  I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself.  Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could.  I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of.  I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16.  And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.

I should probably backtrack on this.  Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD.  Because of this, I developed addictions.  I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake.  From there, I became a closet drug addict.  I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in.  I cannot remember about four years of my life.  Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up.  I changed my group of friends.  I avoided certain places.  I ran away -- to college.  And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again.  Different schools, different friends, different places.  I just kept running....

.... up until about three months ago.  When I finally grew too tired to run.  Too tired to continue.  And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again.  And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....

I joined a gym.  I started eating more fruits and veggies.  I started taking the dog to the dog park.  I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking.  I just want to get my life back on track.  I want to be me again.  Honestly, truly me. 

So this is where I begin to rewrite my story.  I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride.  I just hope that you come along with me.

I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless, & in this moment I am happy.

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness.

I was talking with my friend Bmac today, and he is experiencing a lot of the same issues that I am.... loneliness, unhappiness, despair, anguish.  I told him to do things that he enjoys, but he said that even when he does, he still wakes up in a bummed mood.

So we starting talking about things that we wanted to do..... and I got to thinking.....

Why not?  Why can't we do the things we want to do?  I want to learn to play the ukulele.  I have two of them.  Why can't I learn them?  Who's stopping me?

I am.

Why am I so afraid of starting something new?  Is it a fear of failure?  I hate failing.  But, I also hate winning.  Weird right?  It's like, I do just enough to keep me in the high B, low A area in school, but if I truly applied my talents, I could easily have high A's in every class.  I cut corners on projects so that I can finish them faster.  Sometimes they get noticed; however, more often they get overlooked. 

Why can't I travel the world?  Why can't I decide on a dissertation topic?  Why can't I learn the uke?  Why can't I learn Spanish?  Why can't I?  Why?

Do what you think you can't.  Push yourself to the limits of your comfort zone.  Don't be afraid of failing.  Don't be afraid of winning.  Just don't be afraid. 

I'll be working on that uke now.  And once I learn a song, maybe I'll record it, and add the video to here.


You were meant to live for so much more.

-R.

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet, did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day, and head back to the Milky Way?

True success is about satisfying your spirit with spirit things.

 I was reading Karen Salmonsohn's book How to be Happy, Dammit! and life lesson #40 had that line in it.  And it just jumped off the page at me.  I've been so wrapped up in my life, trying to find a new job that paid me more money, so that I could be more, ahem, successful in my life....

Boy am I wrong!

It's not the money that makes a person happy.  I go shopping constantly, trying to get something new that helps me feel happy... and I'm like a child.  I play with it once or twice, and never touch it again.  Eff!!!!! 

I spent last Monday doing things that I enjoyed by myself... for FREE!  I went geocaching, and finally found one that's been bothering me for a while now.  I drove with the windows rolled down, the music cranked up, belting out the lyrics at the top of my lungs.  And I felt so refreshed! 

Last weekend was the best weekend I've had in a really long time.  I spent time at a friend's house, chatting with people that I never really get to talk to intimately, and played Apples to Apples!  I went to the salon and got a haircut after a year of not having one!  I picked up some sale items at Hobby Lobby for my smash book.  I met some new people at Barnes & Noble, and found a great connection with them.

Life is good!  I am satisfying my spirit with spirit things.  Instead of spending money, and trying to fill the void with material things, I am working on being the best person that I can possibly be.  I am doing what I need.  I am spending time alone, and loving every minute of it.  I'm not giving a damn about what people think.  I could care less.  I'm happy.  For the first time in... a really long time... Like since I was a kid. 

I am truly, honestly, ecstatically happy.

And I don't give a damn :)

Do something that satisfies your spirit without spending a dime.

-R.