One day this all will change...

Howdy stranger!

I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.

I'm glad to say that I AM BACK!  And better than ever!

So here's the long story short:

I spiraled into a deep depression.  Started going to therapy.  Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy.  Joined a gym.  Started eating better.  Lost 7 pounds and still going!

Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went.  I was never happy.  I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself.  Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could.  I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of.  I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16.  And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.

I should probably backtrack on this.  Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD.  Because of this, I developed addictions.  I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake.  From there, I became a closet drug addict.  I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in.  I cannot remember about four years of my life.  Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up.  I changed my group of friends.  I avoided certain places.  I ran away -- to college.  And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again.  Different schools, different friends, different places.  I just kept running....

.... up until about three months ago.  When I finally grew too tired to run.  Too tired to continue.  And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again.  And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....

I joined a gym.  I started eating more fruits and veggies.  I started taking the dog to the dog park.  I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking.  I just want to get my life back on track.  I want to be me again.  Honestly, truly me. 

So this is where I begin to rewrite my story.  I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride.  I just hope that you come along with me.

If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.

A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success. -- Elbert Hubbard

So, I've been working out for a little over a week, and I am so excited to see the changes that have already come. 

I switched from Insanity to a bunch of different workouts.  I've been having some crazy lung issues, so two minutes in, and I'm hacking up a storm.

Anyways, I've been sticking to my 1600 calorie diet, and making sure that I'm eating better.  In addition, I've also noticed that I have lost weight and inches.  Which is super exciting!!!

So here's where I'm at today:

Weight: 240 237
Chest:  44  42.5"
L Bicep: 18 17"
R Bicep: 19 17.5"
Waist: 43 41"
Hips: 48.5 47"
L Thigh: 30 29.25"
R Thigh: 30.5 29.5"
L Calf: 17 16.5"
R Calf: 17.5 16.25"

 

 

Very exciting for me!!!!  Hopefully, I can keep this up, and before you know it, I will be at my healthy weight!!!

 

 

Thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement.  You all mean a lot to me! 

 

 

And just when you thought you couldn't walk farther, you sprouted wings.

 

-R.

 

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end'Cause I could use some friends for a change

Be a strong winged fire-proof phoenix rising from the ashes.

Before I begin.... I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will fail. Like I always do. Every time I tried to drop the weight, something always stops me. I lose motivation. I get bored. I get injured. I need something to keep me going. But what? I cannot fail this time. I need to do this. For me. For my health. For my future. I need a change.

So what the hell, right?  I'm looking for a life makeover.   I've decided that I need to crack down on myself for being such a douche. I sit on my fat ass and complain about my weight.  Blame it on the broken thyroid as I eat half a bag of chip, a pint of ice cream, and a huge thing of milk.  Gah!

So this is my vow, fellow followers.... you are about to witness the changes unfolding.

I, Rachel, vow to make a huge change in my life.  I will begin to take responsibility for my actions, and begin to put my fate in my own hands.  I will workout daily, and eat healthier.  I ask that all of my followers, readers, and friends to hold me accountable for my posts, and help me through this process. 

Maybe together we can change ourselves for the better.

Starting point:
Weight: 236 lbs.
Neck: 16 inches
Arms: 19 inches
Chest: 40 inches
Waist: 41 inches
Hips: 49 inches
Thighs: 30 inches

There is no try. Trying is allowing yourself to fail. There is only do.

-R.