She looks up at the building, says she's thinking of jumping. She says she's tired of life. She must be tired of something....

When will enough be enough?


The night is still, unlike my mind.  It's quiet, almost like a whisper.  Almost a full moon.  Beautiful.  And yet, I feel trapped.  I feel blocked by the concrete and the bricks, starved for a connection.  A chance to get away.  I long for the lake, the sound of the waves as they kissed the shore.  Being completely alone with myself and the world.  Enjoying the solace that it brings.  There's not even a breeze tonight.  It's as if the world itself has given up, holding her breath to try and change.  But she's become a stagnant being, afraid of life. 

Just like me.

No longer do I feel the call of adventure just beyond the borders.  No longer do I get the rush from late nights.  No longer do I feel connected to the beat of the earth, calling to me to live.  How can I hear the call through all the noise in my head?  Hoe can I begin to start over again?  Do we ever really begin again?

My soul is nothing by darkness.  All I feel is a never-ending despair.  I put the happy on, so no one can tell that inside I'm drowning.  I am alone in this world, trapped within my own mind.  I am a prisoner within my own brain, unable to find the key, or the lock, or the door to get out of the prison.  I just want out of the shell that I have become. 

Remember who you used to be.
-- R.


 
DISCLAIMER: Please do not worry about me.  I am having a moment, but this, too, shall pass.
As I sat on the balcony of my apartment, writing the words you just read, I began to think back to the people who helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.  And I realized they are no longer there.  I'm sure a few would be available if I needed something, but they aren't there.  It's as if they do not exist outside of my brain.  I can't touch them, I can't hug them.  I can't cry on their shoulders.  And how I wish I could.  I wish I could just return to my hometown, and have it be like it was four years ago.  All of us around a campfire, listening to one of the many talented musicians bust out a great sing-along on the acoustic.  Playing cards and laughing hysterically at the stupid things we used to do. 

But alas, all great things must come to an end.  Will those people forever hold a special place in my heart?  Of course.  They were the greatest group of friends that anyone could ever hope for.  They pissed you off, held you up, had your back, and made you laugh.  I really miss them.  And I hope they all know how much I truly love each and every one of them.  They were my family, and I will always feel that kinship.  And to those that are no longer with us, rest easy my friends.  Our paths will cross again.

The insomnia has kicked in once again.  It's going to be a long night. 

Have faith, my friends.  It is always darkest before the dawn.  A new sun will rise tomorrow, and we will have the chance to be great.  Tell someone you love them (honestly.  Don't throw that word around so much.  Save it for the ones who truly matter).  Give them a million hugs and kisses, and make sure that they know how much they mean to you.  And hold on to those friendships.  Do not let them drift away.

 

 

I will be strong, I'll stand by you.

My heart sank.  The terrorist attacks of 9/11 replayed in my head.  And my heart immediately went to all those I personally know in the military....

Boston.  My prayers are with you.  My heart bleeds for the families still trying to find their loved ones, those who were injured, those that were murdered, and those who still survive.  I could never begin to imagine the pain and suffering you are going through.  But please know that there are people standing by you, willing to help pick you up, and give you strength.

It's moments like this that you realize what truly matters in life.  It's not about the money, it's not about the fame.  It's about the human connection.  We, as a world, are all connected, and when something as tragic as the events today happens, we come together.  Connected by a single thread that makes us human. 

It's important to stress, however, that being in an industrial country makes us blind to the atrocities throughout the world.  Every day, people throughout the world are experiencing exactly what we did today.  Or worse.  Every day, families are torn apart, people are murdered, lose body parts, fear for their lives and the lives of others.  We are truly blessed to not experience that.  Children are kidnapped and trained to be soldiers, or sold into the trafficking underground.  Entire neighborhoods are turned into ghettos. 

We need to realize that we are all intertwined, that we are all connected to one another.  We need to begin to extend our hands to those in need.  We need to start acting like we belong to the world. 

With that being said, I am offering up my help to those who need it.  I will do whatever I can to help those in need.  Those affected by the attacks today, I welcome you to seek help... if not from me, from someone else.  You are not in this alone. 

"Each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." -- Mitch Albom

Blessings to you and yours.
-R.

I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world.

I hope that I can bring you as much inspiration as I discover for myself along the way.


Starting a blog is always the hardest thing to do online.  Most people treat it as an online journal, and have no intention of anyone reading it.  A very lucky few understand exactly what it's supposed to be: a window into someone's world... conversing with those who might relate.... inspiring those who have lost hope.  No wonder people worry so much about this.

I'll try my hardest to keep away from the diary-esque writing.  I want people to join me in my journey... to come along on adventures, and blunders, and life.  But before I can take you anywhere, you need to know where I've been.

I'm 26 years old.  I'll be 27 in January.  I've lived in a small town in upstated New York for almost my whole life... that is, until I moved to Phoenix.  And by small, I'm talking a population of 1600 people... and one stop light.  Anywho, not important.  I've been living in Phoenix since the summer of 2009.  While here, I met the love of my life.. "James".

James is a great guy.  He's honest, respectful, dedicated, passionate... everything a girl would ever want.  We dated for a year before he asked me to marry him.  I was so ecstatic!  We had a two year engagement so I could ensure that we could pay for the wedding.  We had our own place, a puppy who we considered our son, and the near perfect little life....

... and then James decided to move us into his parents' house, so we could save up for the wedding.  I was still paying as much as I had been at our old place... I was being treated like dirt by all his family... and I became severely depressed.  But I stuck it out because I loved him so.

About three months ago, I got into a fight with James' stepdad and was kicked out of the house.  I told James that I had the money to get an apartment and asked him to come with me....


... My life collapsed.  James refused to leave his parents' house, and I was forced to leave, alone.  I had to contact all of my family and friends to let them know that James and I were no longer getting married... I had to call wedding venues and caterers and everyone, trying to get my money back... I had to move into my father's house, which I really didn't want to, but had no other choice.

My best friend of 18 years decided that she and her girlfriend wanted a new start on life, so I offered to get an apartment with them if they moved out to Phoenix.  I picked them up in Las Vegas at 2 AM.  We spent a couple weeks looking for an apartment, found a great one, and moved in.

My best friend, "Nancy", and her girlfriend "Maggie" were a blast for the first two weeks.  We did a bunch of stuff together, and talked about decorating our new place.... and then Maggie's true colors began to emerge.  Nancy and I are six years Maggie's senior, and she had never lived in a place that her parents didn't help her with.  She was a slob.  She stayed in her room all day.  She did nothing to help contribute to the function of the apartment.  She would throw a tantrum if she didn't get her way.  Finally I had had enough and asked to talk to her about it.  She threatened to kill me.  I called the police.

A few days later, I returned from work to find that Nancy and Maggie has just left.  Abandoned me and their cat, Marvin.  Their names are still on the lease.  I cannot remove them.  They refuse to return my calls.

This is where this story begins.  I'm completely broke, I'm broken, I'm alone.... but I feel great.  I feel that I have a chance to find myself again.  I spent three years in a relationship that was very unhealthy.  I let people walk all over me.  I become someone I don't recognize.

So join me in my adventures.  Come along as I try to figure out who I am, what I want from life.... let's share our joys, hopes, worries, despairs, and build a friendship that can support each other.

You don't have to see the whole staircase.  You just have to take the first step.

R.