She looks up at the building, says she's thinking of jumping. She says she's tired of life. She must be tired of something....

When will enough be enough?


The night is still, unlike my mind.  It's quiet, almost like a whisper.  Almost a full moon.  Beautiful.  And yet, I feel trapped.  I feel blocked by the concrete and the bricks, starved for a connection.  A chance to get away.  I long for the lake, the sound of the waves as they kissed the shore.  Being completely alone with myself and the world.  Enjoying the solace that it brings.  There's not even a breeze tonight.  It's as if the world itself has given up, holding her breath to try and change.  But she's become a stagnant being, afraid of life. 

Just like me.

No longer do I feel the call of adventure just beyond the borders.  No longer do I get the rush from late nights.  No longer do I feel connected to the beat of the earth, calling to me to live.  How can I hear the call through all the noise in my head?  Hoe can I begin to start over again?  Do we ever really begin again?

My soul is nothing by darkness.  All I feel is a never-ending despair.  I put the happy on, so no one can tell that inside I'm drowning.  I am alone in this world, trapped within my own mind.  I am a prisoner within my own brain, unable to find the key, or the lock, or the door to get out of the prison.  I just want out of the shell that I have become. 

Remember who you used to be.
-- R.


 
DISCLAIMER: Please do not worry about me.  I am having a moment, but this, too, shall pass.
As I sat on the balcony of my apartment, writing the words you just read, I began to think back to the people who helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.  And I realized they are no longer there.  I'm sure a few would be available if I needed something, but they aren't there.  It's as if they do not exist outside of my brain.  I can't touch them, I can't hug them.  I can't cry on their shoulders.  And how I wish I could.  I wish I could just return to my hometown, and have it be like it was four years ago.  All of us around a campfire, listening to one of the many talented musicians bust out a great sing-along on the acoustic.  Playing cards and laughing hysterically at the stupid things we used to do. 

But alas, all great things must come to an end.  Will those people forever hold a special place in my heart?  Of course.  They were the greatest group of friends that anyone could ever hope for.  They pissed you off, held you up, had your back, and made you laugh.  I really miss them.  And I hope they all know how much I truly love each and every one of them.  They were my family, and I will always feel that kinship.  And to those that are no longer with us, rest easy my friends.  Our paths will cross again.

The insomnia has kicked in once again.  It's going to be a long night. 

Have faith, my friends.  It is always darkest before the dawn.  A new sun will rise tomorrow, and we will have the chance to be great.  Tell someone you love them (honestly.  Don't throw that word around so much.  Save it for the ones who truly matter).  Give them a million hugs and kisses, and make sure that they know how much they mean to you.  And hold on to those friendships.  Do not let them drift away.

 

 

If the medication works, could I be the way I was -- in control?

In the stillness of the morning, I feel the most alive.



I woke up early this morning, after only four hours of sleep.  This was not my intention, but for whatever reason, I could not sleep.  I have experienced this more lately than ever before.  I am sure that once I get past the date, I shall be sleeping again.  Insomnia is a curse and a blessing.  I wake up before the rest of the world.  I stand on my patio, and listen to the world come alive.  Birds are singing in the trees, picking the nuts out of pine cones.  The sun has just barely risen, casting a stream of light across the balcony.  A light breeze rustles the trees, and for a moment, I feel alright.  Other than the occasional dog walker, I am completely alone; yet in that state of being alone, I feel at peace with myself.  No worries, no irritations, no anger, no pain.  Just contentment. 

My mother told me when I first moved to the city that I would end up taking life too seriously.  I laughed because I have never been one to take anything seriously.  I know now that she was right.  A person is not meant to be contained by bricks and freeways, stuck in stop-and-go traffic, working a job that they despise.  A person is meant to explore, to do what makes them happy, to live. 

The stillness of the morning has made me realize that I want to do just that -- live.  For the past three years, I have been so concerned with making others happy and adapting to what they wanted that I have completely lost myself.  I used to be so carefree.  I remember spending an entire summer with friends at a campground.  We would pitch a tent to claim our spot, and everyone would come at dusk, and we would enjoy each others' company, laughing and sitting around a fire.  We were like a family.  Once the sun rose, we would go to our houses, shower, and go to work.  And then repeat it.  I survived a summer on Whopper Juniors and fresh air.  I used to take road trips by flipping a coin to determine where to go.  I used to drive to the lake in the early hours just to watch the sun rise.  When I couldn't sleep, I would sit on the shore listening to the waves crash, and watching the reflection of the moon bounce off the water. 

This is what I need to return to.  I need to find that girl who was content with being alone, listening to the world.  I need to figure out where I lost her, and bring her back.  I've been so busy trying to find someone to connect to, that I forget that I need to connect to myself first.  Today starts a new day.  Today starts a new journey, a new adventure, a new me.  I will find that girl, and I will bring her back.  I will be me again.

-R.