For I must be traveling on now, 'cause there's too many places I've gotta see.

Before I start off this post, I would like to send out prayers and wishes for safety to everyone affected by Hurricane Sandy. My twin has been stuck here with me for the last couple of days, because she cannot fly into LaGuardia to get home. The pictures alone are enough to make me cringe. Just know that the rest of the country is thinking about you, and wishing for your safety.



We must take adventures in order to know where we truly belong.


As promised....

The trip that saved my life!

 

 

We started from Phoenix, drove 313 miles northwest to Las Vegas, stayed the night, drove 178 miles to Twentynine Palms, visited a good friend of mine, drove 161 miles to Pacific Beach, stayed the night, played in the ocean, and then drove 353 miles back to Phoenix.  Three days.  1,005 miles.  And not a single regret about it. 

 

Because of this trip, I have no money, may lose my apartment, and will more than likely have everything shut off.... but I have begun to find myself again.  And to me, that's more important.

 

Spending nine days with the two best people that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing has certainly brought things back into perspective.  I was loud.  I was courageous.  I had fun.  I smiled. A LOT!  I remembered what it was like to be happy.  I gained my confidence back.

 

I don't expect a lot of people to understand how a three day road trip can bring out your true self.  You wanna know how?  Jump in your car, turn up the radio, roll down the windows (if possible), and just drive.  Drive to a place you've never been.  Experience it.  Run barefoot on the beach.  Get knocked down by waves.  Flirt with the early morning surfers.  Talk to strangers.  Visit the beachside stores.  Stay in a little known inn.  Make friends with the locals.  Talk about the "What ifs" (Sara, that's for you).  Laugh.  Cry.  Feel lonely.  Feel excited.  Be in the moment.  Don't think about later, tomorrow, next month, two years.  Just be in the now.  Experience life.  Understand how you feel in that moment, and go with it.  Allow yourself to experience those emotions, good or bad.  Work through them, or let the ocean carry them away.  Laugh at yourself.  Pretend to be a rockstar.  Almost run out of gas.  Make Border Patrol suspicious.  Race the truck next to you, with the guy who can't stop staring.  And when you get back, enjoy yourself.  Get dressed up.  Go out.  Get drunk.  Meet new people.  Grab butts (ahem Sara).  Talk with your waitress.  Tell everyone your life story.  Just not give a fuck.

 

This is what this trip has taught me.  Life is too short to worry about things that won't matter years from now.  So what if I can't maintain my apartment?  I can always find another one.  So what if I'm constantly broke?  It's only money.  What really matters is being you, in this moment, enjoying yourself.  If you can't do that, then I feel sorry for you.

 

I don't expect everyone to get what I'm saying.  Have your heart broken, follow my advice, and then check back in.  You'd be surprised how well I get it.  It's taken me three months, but I'm finally on the way to achieving my dreams.  To becoming myself.  Or a better me. 

 

I think I shall go where the wind takes me.

 

 

-R.

 

I'm about to show you just how missing me feels, in my red high heels.

I will not let you destroy me.

Sara got in last night. And up until this moment, I have been okay. I'm not thinking about you and all the troubles I've had because of our split.  I'm not throwing myslelf a pity party because we were supposed to have forever next week. Nope. For once, all is right in the world.

-----------------------------------

This week is all about the girls.  Reconnecting with old friends, making new ones, bringing out my ridiculousness.  Bringing me back.

I will keep all of my readers updated with the shenanigans that ensue due to this trip.  You will laugh, you might cry, but you and I will walk away better people.  Stronger people.  You may find out that I am not who you thought I was.  You may find that you want to be my best friend.  Either way, you will learn during this adventure.


To start things off, here's the beginning of the newest chapter.





-R.

If the medication works, could I be the way I was -- in control?

In the stillness of the morning, I feel the most alive.



I woke up early this morning, after only four hours of sleep.  This was not my intention, but for whatever reason, I could not sleep.  I have experienced this more lately than ever before.  I am sure that once I get past the date, I shall be sleeping again.  Insomnia is a curse and a blessing.  I wake up before the rest of the world.  I stand on my patio, and listen to the world come alive.  Birds are singing in the trees, picking the nuts out of pine cones.  The sun has just barely risen, casting a stream of light across the balcony.  A light breeze rustles the trees, and for a moment, I feel alright.  Other than the occasional dog walker, I am completely alone; yet in that state of being alone, I feel at peace with myself.  No worries, no irritations, no anger, no pain.  Just contentment. 

My mother told me when I first moved to the city that I would end up taking life too seriously.  I laughed because I have never been one to take anything seriously.  I know now that she was right.  A person is not meant to be contained by bricks and freeways, stuck in stop-and-go traffic, working a job that they despise.  A person is meant to explore, to do what makes them happy, to live. 

The stillness of the morning has made me realize that I want to do just that -- live.  For the past three years, I have been so concerned with making others happy and adapting to what they wanted that I have completely lost myself.  I used to be so carefree.  I remember spending an entire summer with friends at a campground.  We would pitch a tent to claim our spot, and everyone would come at dusk, and we would enjoy each others' company, laughing and sitting around a fire.  We were like a family.  Once the sun rose, we would go to our houses, shower, and go to work.  And then repeat it.  I survived a summer on Whopper Juniors and fresh air.  I used to take road trips by flipping a coin to determine where to go.  I used to drive to the lake in the early hours just to watch the sun rise.  When I couldn't sleep, I would sit on the shore listening to the waves crash, and watching the reflection of the moon bounce off the water. 

This is what I need to return to.  I need to find that girl who was content with being alone, listening to the world.  I need to figure out where I lost her, and bring her back.  I've been so busy trying to find someone to connect to, that I forget that I need to connect to myself first.  Today starts a new day.  Today starts a new journey, a new adventure, a new me.  I will find that girl, and I will bring her back.  I will be me again.

-R.