So which came first -- the music or the misery?

I am a horrible person.

Misery does, in fact, love company.  Am I miserable though?  I am unsure, but I do know that I am completely fucking horrible.....


(There is a story that was supposed to go here, but for my own sanity, I cannot write it.... Just trust that I have written about it elsewhere, and am currently working through it).


... And I am jealous.  I feel worse than before.  Not sad or upset.... just lonely.  I just want to curl up into a ball and lock myself away to be consumed by my own demons. I want to fight off these feelings forever... But I feel that I may never return to normal.

I've become so obsessed with finding someone that I'm willing to accept attention from anyone, even people I would never consider.  And I can't shut it off.  I've become so codependent on others to make me happy.  I can't do things that make me happy.  I keep saying that I need to change, but just can't seem to get myself to do it.  I make plans, set goals, and then rely on others to do it with me.  And if they don't, I lose all motivation.

What the hell?  Why do I let myself rely on others so much?  It's so dumb.  I go out of my way to make others happy, in the hopes that they'll like me.... and sometimes I feel like it's superficial.  Like I don't have true friends.  I know that I do, but sometimes I don't feel like I do.  I feel like an empty shell of myself.

It's not fair.

I just want to be.