So this is the new year and I have no resolutions for self-assigned penance, for problems with easy solutions

This is going to be my year... the greatest year yet!


They say that what you are doing at midnight on New Years is supposed to predict how your year will be.  If that's the case, then I'll be spending a lot of time by myself, working on my smashbook, in my PJ's, watching Netflix, and getting in touch with myself.  And I'm okay with that.

Don't get me wrong.... I wanted to go out.  I wanted to have fun, meet people, and enjoy bringing in the new year... but life has another plan for me. 

It turns out that he was going to be at the same party that I wanted to go to... and rather than having to deal with that, and my first new year being single in three years, I decided to stay home.  And I am glad I made that decision.

It has come to my attention over the last year that I spend a lot of time talking... about things I want to do, amazing advice and ideas I have, and other random bullshit that I hope will bring people some sort of hope... some sort of inspiration.



But I never do those things.  I keep saying that I'm going to work out (yeah right).  I keep saying that I'm going to do a random act of kindness each day (sure).  I keep saying that I'm going to stop caring what others think or do (yep).  And I keep saying that I'm going to get rid of the negativity in my life (ha).

Well, if there's one thing this past year has taught me... there's no time like the present.  2013 -- you're my year.  I am going to fulfill all those promises to myself starting at midnight!  It will suck, I'm sure, for the first few days.  But hey, it takes 28 days to form a habit, right? 

I bought a 365 smashbook.  I am going to document each week of my awesome year in that thing.  Hopefully that will help me to keep track of my progress.

With that being said... I only have like 2.5 hours until midnight, and I still have a lot of things to do before then.  To my overseas followers, Happy New Year!  I hope that your new years were everything you hoped they would be, and I wish you many joys and pleasures in the coming years.  To my east coast friends, happy new years in 30 minutes.  To my Midwest friends, to you in 1.5 hours.  To my mountain friends, to you in 2.5 hours (YEAH!), and to my west coast friends, see you in the new year in 3.5 hours.  Happy new year everyone, everywhere.  May your dreams come true this year.  I will be holding out hope in my heart that this will be the best year yet!

Until the new year
-- R.

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

Oh the days go by so fast....

I had a dream last night.  In it, I was sitting alone in a room.  I had no feelings, no thoughts, nothing.  I was just there.  I walked around, touching the white walls, not with curiosity, but almost with instinct.  Something flickered on the wall, just a little speck, but enough to catch my attention.  As I reached out to touch it, the whole room exploded with lights and sounds.  Images of my life, my hurt, my pain, flashed across the walls.  I was reliving some of the most traumatic and horrifying moments of my life.  And instead of feeling horrible, and wanting to curl up in a ball, I just stood there.  I looked at the objects as if they were not mine.  Almost as if I was admiring artwork in a museum.  The images continued to play, and I continued to walk around, touching the wall, and just looking.  The room goes dark.  In the middle of the room is a light.   Not enough light to illuminate the room, but enough to be seen in the darkness.  I walked over to the light, and stared into it.  An image, about the size of a quarter, began to play.  Things that make me happy flashed across the light spot.  Coffee.  I can smell it.  Fresh snow.  I can feel the cold.  Babies laughing.  I can hear it.  Every little thing that brings a smile to my face was contained in that little bit of light.

I think someone is trying to tell me something.

I apologize to everyone who reads this blog to find inspiration in their darkest hours.  My post yesterday was hardly inspirational.  But I think that people should be able to see that I am not this perfectly strong person.  I have my breakdowns, I have my depressed times, I have my struggles.  You should find inspiration in that I am able to admit my flaws and faults, and am able to pull myself back up.

My dream made an impact on me.  Even with the life struggles that I have gone through, I cannot allow myself to dwell in those.  If I let the walls get covered in the madness that once was my life, I will be consumed.  I find it interesting that in my dream, I was able to not feel attachment to those events.  Even as I write this, I feel limited emotions to those events.  Yes, I still feel the heaviness in my heart, but I don't feel it as much.  The light in the darkness, although small, was powerful enough to make me happy.

And that's what I need.

In those times of darkness, I need to have the strength within myself to make it to the light, the happy things in my life.  If that means I need to have a cup of coffee at midnight, then so be it.  If it means that I need to whip out my Smash*book and start working on it, I'll do it.  I am no longer to be consumed by the negative in my life.

Now, I may stumble.  I may break down.  But I refuse to let myself fail.

Every day is a new chance to succeed.

-R.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind

In an hour and a half, it will be 12.12.12 ..... so what?

Everyone is posting on Facebook about 12.12.12 ..... and I don't see the significance in it.  I understand that 12 is a number of wholeness in many cultures, and that it's supposed to be a magical day that provides luck to everyone.. but I just don't know.

I find it hard to believe in anything anymore.  I trust too much.  I rely on the goodness in others too much.  I give too much.  I just can't continue to think that there's good in the world, when I struggle so hard to see it.

I hate this time of the year.  I've been asked by so many how I can hate Christmas (blasphemy!).  It's not that I hate Christmas.... I just hate what the season has become.  This whole season was about spending time with those you love, and helping those in need.  Nowadays, it's become about who has the biggest and best gifts, how much money you spend, and greed.  I can't take it.

I have given more this season than I have in the past years.... and yet I seem to fall farther and farther back into the abyss that has become my life.  I can't find my smile without others being around.  I want to.  I want to be a better person.  I want to do more things in my life.  I want to have fun, and be carefree, and exciting.  And I set all these awesome goals with every intent of starting to do something with my life... and I fail.  Every. Single. Time.

I need a muse.  A bit of inspiration.  I need a change.

-R.






I need a friend.

I'm tired of feeling sorry, I think I'll do some laundry...

Over it...


I started cleaning out my life today.  I went through all of my clothes, and cleaned out a lot.  I started with a full dresser and full closet, and have ended with half a dresser, and half a closet.  Pretty exciting!!! 

I feel great!  It's so nice to start getting rid of things that you don't need anymore.  I hope that the rest of my life minimalization will be as awesome as tonight was.

 

Panoramic view of my now cleaned closet

Close up

Look at all those hangers!!!!

 

 

-R.



Forget your lust for the rich man's gold. All that you need is in your soul...

I think it's time for a life makeover....

I was sitting on my computer, listening to the Wild Thornberry movie playing on my Netflix, when it dawned on me....

I have way too much (pardon my language) shit in my life.

And it is shit.

I just got rid of my cable box yesterday, and I found myself so bored today without it.  I couldn't watch the newest episode of the Walking Dead, or Revenge.... and I wondered, why?  Why do I revolve my life around television shows?  Why do I complain that I keep gaining weight, and yet, refuse to get off the couch to even walk to the mailbox?  Why do I have a moment of creativity, only to lose it the minute I pull the supplies out?

I normally blame this on the fact that my thyroid doesn't work, and the medications are no longer working... but I think it's more than that.  I have become content being a boring person.  Why?  I spend hours on Facebook "catching up" on my friends' lives, instead of calling them, or writing them a letter.  I spend hours on Pinterest getting ideas for projects that I will never complete.  Why?

I walk into my closet and complain that I have nothing to wear, and then keep the clothing that I refuse to wear.  Why?  There are so many people who could use those clothes.  I have books that I've read, and they just sit on a shelf collecting dust.  What is wrong with me?

Here is my December objective:  Minimize the shit in my life.  Not the drama, or the emotional issues, but the materialistic bullshit that I hold onto, even though I have no reason for it.  Fucking stupid! 

Week one: Clear out clothing that doesn't fit, or you don't wear.
Week two: Clear out kitchen cupboards and donate whatever non-perishables you will not eat.
Week three: Clear out items that are no longer being used, are broken, or useless, and get rid of them!
Week four: Limit the online time to 1-2 hours per day (unless working on homework), and take a walk every morning/night.

I will keep you posted on everything as I go along.  Here's to less shit in my life, and hopefully yours as well!

-R.

From this day on, I own my father's gun...

You will know who your real friends are by how much they encourage you.


This post is going to be short.  I'm super tired, and haven't had much time to myself to unwind lately. 

I wanted everyone to know, that thanks to my friend Kelly, I have started to sell my artwork.  Well... sort of.  The sales are haggled.  Like you suggest what you want to pay for a piece.  Or barter.  For example, Kelly just bought a few of my pieces to decorate her daughter's room.  In exchange, she's sending me a Mary Kay surprise box.  Fair trade.

Here's the link to my art page: ePic Art By Rachel
And for shits and giggles, here's the link to Kelly's Mary Kay page: Mary Kay by Kelly

Enjoy friends.  I'm going to stalk my mom's facebook page because she's in Jamaica this week.

-R.

I wanna know... Have you ever seen the rain coming down on a sunny day?

Thanks to friends, I have the strength to do whatever I want.

I've been working on artwork like crazy this weekend.  I posted a couple new ones on facebook, and a friend suggested that I create a sales page.  And so I did.  I have since removed the artwork page from the blog, and will instead give you the link to the sales page.

ePic Art by Rachel

In addition, I have also decided to NOT list these pieces with prices.  Instead, I am leaving it up to those interested in buying them to name their price.  Or offer an exchange.  And I'm taking suggestions for new pieces of artwork.  What kind of artist does that?! 

So visit the page.  Hang out.  Fall in love with one.  Make an offer.  And become part of a revolution. 

-R.

All I can say is that my life is very plain. I like watching the puddles gather rain.

You exist... but do you live?


I was sitting at home, having a moment, when some overwhelming despair came over me.  Not for me, not for my situation, not for anything that I was experiencing, but for someone else.  For those that have no homes, those that have no families, those without food, without water, without medical care, without rights.  And I started to think...

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” -- Helen Keller

 

I need to do something.  For someone who I know may not ever be able to return the favor.  And I need to do it soon. 

 

When I was younger, I always did this.  I helped friends, acquaintances, strangers.  It didn't matter.  You had less than me, and you needed something, I was there.  But somehow, moving to the city has taken this from me.  I have become reclusive.  I care more about making sure I am stable than helping my fellow man.  Maybe this is why I suffer.  Maybe this is why things are being taken from me.  Maybe I am not where I am supposed to be.

 

But where do I go from here?  Do I attempt to create my own nonprofit, which has been my dream?  Where do I start?  Do I run away from everything I know?

 

November is the month of gratitude.  And so far, I've kept up on my thanks.  And I feel pretty good about it.

 

But I need more... Each day I will do something for someone without the expectation that they return the favor.  Anyone else want to join?

"You see, I do something real good for three people. And then when they ask how they can pay it back, I say they have to pay it forward to three more people. Each.  So nine people get helped. Then those people have to do 27, then it sort of spreads out, see. To 81. Then 243. Then 729. Then 2,187. See how big it gets?” -- Trevor, Pay It Forward

 

-R.

 

Everybody dance now!

It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes.  Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. -- Tupac



I've been battling this horrendous cold all weekend, so I've had a lot of time to think about this post.  I keep getting asked how I occupy my time, now that I have no one to answer to, or share my time with.  It's kind of funny the way people say this to me, because they try to do it in a sensitive way, but more often they should like assholes because of the way it comes out.  I'm completely over the relationship that way, and am beginning to find happiness in my daily life... something that I haven't been able to do in a really long time.

So allow me to share what I'm doing to occupy my time.  Maybe I can spark a new interest for some of you, even without the heartbreak.

• I've reached over 100 finds geocaching.  I absolutely love doing this, and am kind of sad that I'm sick this weekend, otherwise I would have spent the whole weekend looking for treasures.

             

 

• I've been working on some new artwork projects.

• I've created my bucket list (and managed to cross some things out).

  

 

• I've begun my (one of many) Smashbook(s).

           

 

• I'm reading the Hunger Games.
• I'm watching documentaries.
• I'm working on school.
• I'm making new friends.
• I'm learning Spanish.
• I'm going to start working out again, so I created this ridiculous playlist.  Wanna see it?  Yeah, you wanna see it.
•  I Can't Do it Alone -- 3OH!3
• Tootsee Roll -- 69 Boyz
• Thunderstruck -- AC/DC
• Right Now (Na Na Na) -- Akon
• Party Hard -- Andrew W. K.
• Barbie Girl -- Aqua
• Girlfriend -- Avril Lavigne
• Everybody (Backstreet's Back) -- Backstreet Boys
• Larger than Life -- Backstreet Boys
• One Week -- Barenaked Ladies
• Satisfaction -- Benny Benassi
• Freak'um Dress -- Beyonce
• Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it) -- Beyonce
• Girl Fight -- Brooke Valentine ft. Big Boi
• Boom Boom Pow -- Black Eyed Peas
• Womanizer -- Britney Spears
• Do Somethin' -- Britney Spears
• Toxic -- Britney Spears
• (You Drive Me) Crazy -- Britney Spears
• Born to Run -- Bruce Springsteen
• Lit Up -- Buckcherry
• Crazy Bitch -- Buckcherry
• Zoot Suit Riot -- Cherry Poppin' Daddies
• Hot Mess -- Cobra Starship
• What You Got -- Colby O'Donis ft. Akon
• Mr. Jones -- Counting Crows
• Music is my Hot, Hot Sex -- CSS
• Gasolina -- Daddy Yankee
• Where Them Girls At -- David Guetta
• Getting Over You -- David Guetta ft. Chris Willis, Fergie, & LMFAO
• Ghosts 'n' Stuff -- deadmau5
• Groove is in the Heart -- Deee-Lite
• Enjoy the Silence -- Depeche Mode
• Lose my Breath -- Destiny's Child
• Jumpin' Jumpin' -- Destiny's Child
• Bootylicious -- Destiny's Child
• The Game -- Disturbed
• California Girls (DJ Envy Remix) -- Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg
• Like a G6 (DJ Fletch Remix) -- Far East Movement
• Move, Shake, Drop (Remix) -- Flo Rida
• Unbelievable -- EMF
• My Name Is -- Eminem
• My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It) -- En Vogue
• Go Ape -- Far East Movement ft. Lil Jon & LMFAO
• Everlong -- Foo Fighters
• One Step at a Time -- Four Year Strong
• Some Nights -- Fun.
• I Like It -- Enrique Iglesias
• The Queen and I -- Gym Class Heroes
• Bring 'em Out -- Hawk Nelson
• Call 'n' Return (Say That You're Into Me) -- Hellogoodbye
• Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn -- Hellogoodbye
• With Love -- Hilary Duff
• Jump Around -- House of Pain
• Sweat -- Inner Circle
• Together Again -- Janet Jackson
• Can I Get A... -- Jay-Z
• Are You Gonna Be My Girl -- Jet
• Sexy Back -- Justin Timberlake
• Die Young -- Ke$ha
• 22nd Century -- Kelis
• Commander (Extended Dance Remix) -- Kelly Rowland
• Let it Rock -- Kevin Rudolf ft. Lil Wayne
• Jump -- Kris Kross
• Sweet Dreams -- La Bouche
• Are You Gonna Go My Way? -- Lenny Kravitz
• Break Stuff -- Limp Bizkit
• Rumors -- Lindsay Lohan
• My Own Worst Enemy -- Lit
• I've Been Thinking About You -- Londonbeat
• The Creep -- The Lonely Island ft. Nicki Minaj
• Jizz in my Pants -- The Lonely Island
• I'm on a Boat -- The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain
• Like a Boss -- The Lonely Island
• I Just Had Sex -- The Lonely Island ft. Akon
• Mambo No. 5 -- Lou Bega
• Boys Don't Matter -- Love Sick Radio
• Good Vibrations -- Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch
• We R Who We R -- Ke$ha
• Ooohhhweee --Master P.
• Shake It -- Metro Station
• Party in the USA -- Miley Cyrus
• 7 Things -- Miley Cyrus
• Get Ur Freak On -- Missy Elliot
• Mo Money, Mo Problems -- The Notorious B.I.G. ft. Puff Daddy & Mase
• Come Out and Play -- The Offspring
• I Write Sins Not Tragedies -- Panic! at the Disco
• F**k Authority -- Pennywise
• So What -- Pink
• Trouble -- Pink
• U + Ur Hand -- Pink
• Boom -- P.O.D.
• Lump -- The Presidents of the United States of America
• Double Vision -- 3OH!3 ft. Wiz Khalifa
• Space Jam -- Quad City DJs
• C'Mon N' Ride It -- Quad City DJs
• Bulls on Parade -- Rage Against the Machine
• Give Me Your Hand (Best Song Ever) -- The Ready Set
• Automatic Lover (Call for Love) -- Real McCoy
• I Like to Move it -- Reel 2 Real
• Livin' la Vida Loca -- Ricky Martin
• Scatman -- Scatman John
• Temperature -- Sean Paul
• Romance -- Serani
• Breakn' a Sweat (Zedd Remix) -- Skrillix & Members from the Doors
• Butterfly -- Smile D. K.
• The Power -- Snap!
• Spice up Your Life -- Spice Girls
• Wannabe -- Spice Girls
• Got Your Back -- T.I. ft. Keri Hilson
• Whoomp!  There it is -- Tag Team
• Dynamite -- Taio Cruz
• Break Your Heart -- Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris
• Closer -- Tegan & Sara
• Semi-Charmed Life -- Third Eye Blind
• Riot -- Three Days Grace
• I Think We're Alone Now -- Tiffany
• Mickey -- Toni Basil
• I Do -- Toya
• Best Friend -- Toybox
• Walk it Out -- DJ Unk
• DJ Got us Fallin' in Love -- Usher
• Ninja Rap -- Vanilla Ice
• Ice, Ice Baby -- Vanilla Ice
• No Rain -- Blind Melon
• Song 2 -- Blur
• The Patient Ferris Wheel -- The Gaslight Anthem
• Inside Out -- Eve 6
• Talk to Me, Dance with Me -- Hot Hot Heat
• What is Love -- Haddaway
• Scotty Doesn't Know -- Lustra
• Where Do You Go -- No Mercy
• Marry You -- Bruno Mars
• Holding Out for a Hero -- From the Shrek 2 Soundtrack
• Be My Lover -- La Bouche
• Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom --Vengaboys
• We Like the Party -- Vengaboys
• Sex on the Beach -- Vengaboys
• Somebody that I Used to Know -- Walk Off the Earth
• Check it Out -- Will.I.Am & Nicki Minaj
• Gettin' Jiggy Wit It -- Will Smith
• Miami -- Will Smith
• Shots -- LMFAO & Lil Jon
• We no Speak Americano -- Yoland Be Cool & Dcup
• Lights (Bassnectar Remix) -- Ellie Goulding

Seems like a lot, but it's really not.  Ha!  Even with all these things, I still experience loneliness, I still experience sadness, I still experience anger.  But I live those emotions.  I work through those emotions.  I get over things.  I experience happiness.  I experience joy.  I learn to be happy being alone.... plus talking to the cat helps.

 

So I challenge you.  Find something new.  Throw yourself into it.  Wholeheartedly.  Don't give up.  Don't try.  Just do.  Try means you're giving yourself the option to fail.  Do it.  Experience it.  Enjoy it.  Complete it.  Share it.

 

 

-R.

 

I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kinda life

 

Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand.  --Hayley Williams


As I was sitting here, pondering over another glass of wine, and trying to figure out a way to clear out my sinuses, it dawned on me.... I need to create a goals list.  Why?  Well..... why not!?  I'm single, I have time to do things, I'm broke (so no chances of going out anywhere)...

Let's do this!

 

Yeah... I went there.

 

 

 

Ok.... Let's see.

 

1. Graduate with my doctorate degree.

2. Lose 100 pounds.  (Side note: I know that seems like a lot, but since everything has happened, I've hit my all-time highest weight of.... 240 pounds.... yikes)

3. Get fit and healthy.

4. Learn to decorate cakes.  Duff style.

5. Sell my artwork.

6. Learn spanish.

7. Meditate.

8. Start a five year plan for my career.

9. Go somewhere I've never been.

10. Visit New York in 2013.

 

 

Here.  Ten goals.  Sounds reasonable right?  I like it.  Any you would like me to accomplish?  I'm always open for suggestions! 

 

I think I'm going to drift off into art world for a little bit.  It's not goodbye, it's see you later, man.

 

 

-R.

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know...

Even the best fall down sometimes...


I was sitting here, thinking about how I was going to start out this blog, when it dawned on me.  My blog has had almost 500 views in the little time that I've been working on it.... and I want to know more about you!

Send me your artwork, your pictures, your poems, anything really!  I want to use my followers to inspire others.  What do you do to pick yourself up?  Maybe you write music.  Great!  Youtube that shit, and I'll link to you!

Let's start a movement.  Let's encourage others to do what makes them happy.  Fuck societal rules.  Fuck monetary beliefs.  Fuck everything that you think you know.  Just do what makes you happy.  Do what makes you free.  Do what make you, you.

I look forward to your awesomeness!

-R.

Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again

I need to learn to be comfortable being alone.


My twin just left, and I'm alone again.  Something has died inside of me.  I feel like a mad woman, talking to the cat.  I don't know what to do with myself.

I find that I rely too much on others to help me define myself.  I know that I'm loud and crazy.  Do I really need someone to be there to see it?  I know that I like to talk to other people, new people, random people.... but do I need someone there to support me?

I'm at a stand still.

I've seriously been contemplating leaving everything behind, and starting over somewhere else.  I love the desert.  I love Phoenix.  I love the weather.  But, I need something more.  I need the ocean.  I need the beach.  I need hippies.  I need a tan.  I need shenanigans. 

I need a friend.

What do I stand for?  What do I want from life?

I stand for those who cannot stand for themselves.  I want to live life to the fullest.  

So why am I so scared?

Why can't I do all that I want to do?  Why can't I be like Brandon, and just follow my dreams?  Why can't I be charming like Evan?  Why can't I be mysterious like Joe?  Why can't I be silly like Bert?  Why can't I be as courageous as Sara? 

I need to figure myself out.  I need to rely on my friends to help me through this.  I need to call someone.

-R.

For I must be traveling on now, 'cause there's too many places I've gotta see.

Before I start off this post, I would like to send out prayers and wishes for safety to everyone affected by Hurricane Sandy. My twin has been stuck here with me for the last couple of days, because she cannot fly into LaGuardia to get home. The pictures alone are enough to make me cringe. Just know that the rest of the country is thinking about you, and wishing for your safety.



We must take adventures in order to know where we truly belong.


As promised....

The trip that saved my life!

 

 

We started from Phoenix, drove 313 miles northwest to Las Vegas, stayed the night, drove 178 miles to Twentynine Palms, visited a good friend of mine, drove 161 miles to Pacific Beach, stayed the night, played in the ocean, and then drove 353 miles back to Phoenix.  Three days.  1,005 miles.  And not a single regret about it. 

 

Because of this trip, I have no money, may lose my apartment, and will more than likely have everything shut off.... but I have begun to find myself again.  And to me, that's more important.

 

Spending nine days with the two best people that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing has certainly brought things back into perspective.  I was loud.  I was courageous.  I had fun.  I smiled. A LOT!  I remembered what it was like to be happy.  I gained my confidence back.

 

I don't expect a lot of people to understand how a three day road trip can bring out your true self.  You wanna know how?  Jump in your car, turn up the radio, roll down the windows (if possible), and just drive.  Drive to a place you've never been.  Experience it.  Run barefoot on the beach.  Get knocked down by waves.  Flirt with the early morning surfers.  Talk to strangers.  Visit the beachside stores.  Stay in a little known inn.  Make friends with the locals.  Talk about the "What ifs" (Sara, that's for you).  Laugh.  Cry.  Feel lonely.  Feel excited.  Be in the moment.  Don't think about later, tomorrow, next month, two years.  Just be in the now.  Experience life.  Understand how you feel in that moment, and go with it.  Allow yourself to experience those emotions, good or bad.  Work through them, or let the ocean carry them away.  Laugh at yourself.  Pretend to be a rockstar.  Almost run out of gas.  Make Border Patrol suspicious.  Race the truck next to you, with the guy who can't stop staring.  And when you get back, enjoy yourself.  Get dressed up.  Go out.  Get drunk.  Meet new people.  Grab butts (ahem Sara).  Talk with your waitress.  Tell everyone your life story.  Just not give a fuck.

 

This is what this trip has taught me.  Life is too short to worry about things that won't matter years from now.  So what if I can't maintain my apartment?  I can always find another one.  So what if I'm constantly broke?  It's only money.  What really matters is being you, in this moment, enjoying yourself.  If you can't do that, then I feel sorry for you.

 

I don't expect everyone to get what I'm saying.  Have your heart broken, follow my advice, and then check back in.  You'd be surprised how well I get it.  It's taken me three months, but I'm finally on the way to achieving my dreams.  To becoming myself.  Or a better me. 

 

I think I shall go where the wind takes me.

 

 

-R.

 

I'm about to show you just how missing me feels, in my red high heels.

I will not let you destroy me.

Sara got in last night. And up until this moment, I have been okay. I'm not thinking about you and all the troubles I've had because of our split.  I'm not throwing myslelf a pity party because we were supposed to have forever next week. Nope. For once, all is right in the world.

-----------------------------------

This week is all about the girls.  Reconnecting with old friends, making new ones, bringing out my ridiculousness.  Bringing me back.

I will keep all of my readers updated with the shenanigans that ensue due to this trip.  You will laugh, you might cry, but you and I will walk away better people.  Stronger people.  You may find out that I am not who you thought I was.  You may find that you want to be my best friend.  Either way, you will learn during this adventure.


To start things off, here's the beginning of the newest chapter.





-R.

If the medication works, could I be the way I was -- in control?

In the stillness of the morning, I feel the most alive.



I woke up early this morning, after only four hours of sleep.  This was not my intention, but for whatever reason, I could not sleep.  I have experienced this more lately than ever before.  I am sure that once I get past the date, I shall be sleeping again.  Insomnia is a curse and a blessing.  I wake up before the rest of the world.  I stand on my patio, and listen to the world come alive.  Birds are singing in the trees, picking the nuts out of pine cones.  The sun has just barely risen, casting a stream of light across the balcony.  A light breeze rustles the trees, and for a moment, I feel alright.  Other than the occasional dog walker, I am completely alone; yet in that state of being alone, I feel at peace with myself.  No worries, no irritations, no anger, no pain.  Just contentment. 

My mother told me when I first moved to the city that I would end up taking life too seriously.  I laughed because I have never been one to take anything seriously.  I know now that she was right.  A person is not meant to be contained by bricks and freeways, stuck in stop-and-go traffic, working a job that they despise.  A person is meant to explore, to do what makes them happy, to live. 

The stillness of the morning has made me realize that I want to do just that -- live.  For the past three years, I have been so concerned with making others happy and adapting to what they wanted that I have completely lost myself.  I used to be so carefree.  I remember spending an entire summer with friends at a campground.  We would pitch a tent to claim our spot, and everyone would come at dusk, and we would enjoy each others' company, laughing and sitting around a fire.  We were like a family.  Once the sun rose, we would go to our houses, shower, and go to work.  And then repeat it.  I survived a summer on Whopper Juniors and fresh air.  I used to take road trips by flipping a coin to determine where to go.  I used to drive to the lake in the early hours just to watch the sun rise.  When I couldn't sleep, I would sit on the shore listening to the waves crash, and watching the reflection of the moon bounce off the water. 

This is what I need to return to.  I need to find that girl who was content with being alone, listening to the world.  I need to figure out where I lost her, and bring her back.  I've been so busy trying to find someone to connect to, that I forget that I need to connect to myself first.  Today starts a new day.  Today starts a new journey, a new adventure, a new me.  I will find that girl, and I will bring her back.  I will be me again.

-R.

But I Was Scared to Death by Eternity...

And I've become content with this life that I lead
Where I drink too much, and don't believe in much of anything
And I lie to myself
And say it was for the best
--Straylight Run


I'm extra lonely tonight.  Once again, I had to get rid of toxic people, and this time it was my roommates.  Don't want to help with bills, find someone else to mooch off of.  I am very proud of myself for being able to stand up to them.  I feel like this is a step in the right direction.

I've started to open myself up more.  I went out with someone over the weekend.  Met at Jerry's (yum!), and stayed for 4 hours.  Didn't get home until 3:30am.  It was a fun time.  But I fear that I will once again try and attach myself to him, and I don't want to do that.  It's not fair for either of us.

So that's the update.  For those who care.

My best friends are coming out this weekend.  We're going on a roadtrip.  It's going to be the most adventurous thing I have ever done!  1000 miles, three days.  I finally get to cross some stuff off my bucket list, which is pretty exciting.

I feel that I'm getting into diary writing, so this is my clue to sign off.

-R.

One last thing....

I've tried sober, I've tried drinking, I've been strong, and I've been weak, and I still miss you.

I'm slowly spiraling down into a dark abyss. 


Today, I got to thinking....

In a little over two weeks, I would have been married.  I would have had my happily ever after.  I would've been Mrs.


But not anymore.  It's sad.  I thought I was going to marry the love of my life.  I thought that I was going to have my happily ever after.  And secretly, I think I still love him.  And I worry that I always will.

I find myself trying to attach to everything and anything... roommates, colleagues, random people... it's ridiculous.  I don't want to expose myself to that, but I just feel so alone right now.  And I know I'm not... I know that I have friends, and family, and people who care... but I don't feel like they are really connected to me.

That's been the hardest thing for me.  Losing my connection with my fellow man.  I have never been so disconnected from those around me.  Ever.  It's completely insane to think that one person can wander through life, feeling completely disconnected, completely alone, even when surrounded by people.

I am trying to look on the brighter sides of life.  I have two best friends coming out to visit in a little under two weeks.  Sara gets in next Friday, and Meeks follows behind on Monday.  We have a week of shenanigans planned... and I'm super excited.  We're planning on going to Vegas and California.  Visiting the Grand Canyon, and my friend Chrissy.  I'm super ecstatic that I have a couple super amazing friends that care enough to be with me during possibly the worst of my life. 

“It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”  ― Marlene Dietrich

R.

'Cause we all know art is hard, young artists have gotta starve

Since the breakup, I have begun to throw myself more and more into my artwork.  Here are a few of the masterpieces (ha!) that I have completed.

Please enjoy, and let me know what you think.  And if you want one, I may be willing to let it go.

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. --Thomas Merton

R.

I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world.

I hope that I can bring you as much inspiration as I discover for myself along the way.


Starting a blog is always the hardest thing to do online.  Most people treat it as an online journal, and have no intention of anyone reading it.  A very lucky few understand exactly what it's supposed to be: a window into someone's world... conversing with those who might relate.... inspiring those who have lost hope.  No wonder people worry so much about this.

I'll try my hardest to keep away from the diary-esque writing.  I want people to join me in my journey... to come along on adventures, and blunders, and life.  But before I can take you anywhere, you need to know where I've been.

I'm 26 years old.  I'll be 27 in January.  I've lived in a small town in upstated New York for almost my whole life... that is, until I moved to Phoenix.  And by small, I'm talking a population of 1600 people... and one stop light.  Anywho, not important.  I've been living in Phoenix since the summer of 2009.  While here, I met the love of my life.. "James".

James is a great guy.  He's honest, respectful, dedicated, passionate... everything a girl would ever want.  We dated for a year before he asked me to marry him.  I was so ecstatic!  We had a two year engagement so I could ensure that we could pay for the wedding.  We had our own place, a puppy who we considered our son, and the near perfect little life....

... and then James decided to move us into his parents' house, so we could save up for the wedding.  I was still paying as much as I had been at our old place... I was being treated like dirt by all his family... and I became severely depressed.  But I stuck it out because I loved him so.

About three months ago, I got into a fight with James' stepdad and was kicked out of the house.  I told James that I had the money to get an apartment and asked him to come with me....


... My life collapsed.  James refused to leave his parents' house, and I was forced to leave, alone.  I had to contact all of my family and friends to let them know that James and I were no longer getting married... I had to call wedding venues and caterers and everyone, trying to get my money back... I had to move into my father's house, which I really didn't want to, but had no other choice.

My best friend of 18 years decided that she and her girlfriend wanted a new start on life, so I offered to get an apartment with them if they moved out to Phoenix.  I picked them up in Las Vegas at 2 AM.  We spent a couple weeks looking for an apartment, found a great one, and moved in.

My best friend, "Nancy", and her girlfriend "Maggie" were a blast for the first two weeks.  We did a bunch of stuff together, and talked about decorating our new place.... and then Maggie's true colors began to emerge.  Nancy and I are six years Maggie's senior, and she had never lived in a place that her parents didn't help her with.  She was a slob.  She stayed in her room all day.  She did nothing to help contribute to the function of the apartment.  She would throw a tantrum if she didn't get her way.  Finally I had had enough and asked to talk to her about it.  She threatened to kill me.  I called the police.

A few days later, I returned from work to find that Nancy and Maggie has just left.  Abandoned me and their cat, Marvin.  Their names are still on the lease.  I cannot remove them.  They refuse to return my calls.

This is where this story begins.  I'm completely broke, I'm broken, I'm alone.... but I feel great.  I feel that I have a chance to find myself again.  I spent three years in a relationship that was very unhealthy.  I let people walk all over me.  I become someone I don't recognize.

So join me in my adventures.  Come along as I try to figure out who I am, what I want from life.... let's share our joys, hopes, worries, despairs, and build a friendship that can support each other.

You don't have to see the whole staircase.  You just have to take the first step.

R.