So this is the new year and I have no resolutions for self-assigned penance, for problems with easy solutions

This is going to be my year... the greatest year yet!


They say that what you are doing at midnight on New Years is supposed to predict how your year will be.  If that's the case, then I'll be spending a lot of time by myself, working on my smashbook, in my PJ's, watching Netflix, and getting in touch with myself.  And I'm okay with that.

Don't get me wrong.... I wanted to go out.  I wanted to have fun, meet people, and enjoy bringing in the new year... but life has another plan for me. 

It turns out that he was going to be at the same party that I wanted to go to... and rather than having to deal with that, and my first new year being single in three years, I decided to stay home.  And I am glad I made that decision.

It has come to my attention over the last year that I spend a lot of time talking... about things I want to do, amazing advice and ideas I have, and other random bullshit that I hope will bring people some sort of hope... some sort of inspiration.



But I never do those things.  I keep saying that I'm going to work out (yeah right).  I keep saying that I'm going to do a random act of kindness each day (sure).  I keep saying that I'm going to stop caring what others think or do (yep).  And I keep saying that I'm going to get rid of the negativity in my life (ha).

Well, if there's one thing this past year has taught me... there's no time like the present.  2013 -- you're my year.  I am going to fulfill all those promises to myself starting at midnight!  It will suck, I'm sure, for the first few days.  But hey, it takes 28 days to form a habit, right? 

I bought a 365 smashbook.  I am going to document each week of my awesome year in that thing.  Hopefully that will help me to keep track of my progress.

With that being said... I only have like 2.5 hours until midnight, and I still have a lot of things to do before then.  To my overseas followers, Happy New Year!  I hope that your new years were everything you hoped they would be, and I wish you many joys and pleasures in the coming years.  To my east coast friends, happy new years in 30 minutes.  To my Midwest friends, to you in 1.5 hours.  To my mountain friends, to you in 2.5 hours (YEAH!), and to my west coast friends, see you in the new year in 3.5 hours.  Happy new year everyone, everywhere.  May your dreams come true this year.  I will be holding out hope in my heart that this will be the best year yet!

Until the new year
-- R.

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

Oh the days go by so fast....

I had a dream last night.  In it, I was sitting alone in a room.  I had no feelings, no thoughts, nothing.  I was just there.  I walked around, touching the white walls, not with curiosity, but almost with instinct.  Something flickered on the wall, just a little speck, but enough to catch my attention.  As I reached out to touch it, the whole room exploded with lights and sounds.  Images of my life, my hurt, my pain, flashed across the walls.  I was reliving some of the most traumatic and horrifying moments of my life.  And instead of feeling horrible, and wanting to curl up in a ball, I just stood there.  I looked at the objects as if they were not mine.  Almost as if I was admiring artwork in a museum.  The images continued to play, and I continued to walk around, touching the wall, and just looking.  The room goes dark.  In the middle of the room is a light.   Not enough light to illuminate the room, but enough to be seen in the darkness.  I walked over to the light, and stared into it.  An image, about the size of a quarter, began to play.  Things that make me happy flashed across the light spot.  Coffee.  I can smell it.  Fresh snow.  I can feel the cold.  Babies laughing.  I can hear it.  Every little thing that brings a smile to my face was contained in that little bit of light.

I think someone is trying to tell me something.

I apologize to everyone who reads this blog to find inspiration in their darkest hours.  My post yesterday was hardly inspirational.  But I think that people should be able to see that I am not this perfectly strong person.  I have my breakdowns, I have my depressed times, I have my struggles.  You should find inspiration in that I am able to admit my flaws and faults, and am able to pull myself back up.

My dream made an impact on me.  Even with the life struggles that I have gone through, I cannot allow myself to dwell in those.  If I let the walls get covered in the madness that once was my life, I will be consumed.  I find it interesting that in my dream, I was able to not feel attachment to those events.  Even as I write this, I feel limited emotions to those events.  Yes, I still feel the heaviness in my heart, but I don't feel it as much.  The light in the darkness, although small, was powerful enough to make me happy.

And that's what I need.

In those times of darkness, I need to have the strength within myself to make it to the light, the happy things in my life.  If that means I need to have a cup of coffee at midnight, then so be it.  If it means that I need to whip out my Smash*book and start working on it, I'll do it.  I am no longer to be consumed by the negative in my life.

Now, I may stumble.  I may break down.  But I refuse to let myself fail.

Every day is a new chance to succeed.

-R.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind

In an hour and a half, it will be 12.12.12 ..... so what?

Everyone is posting on Facebook about 12.12.12 ..... and I don't see the significance in it.  I understand that 12 is a number of wholeness in many cultures, and that it's supposed to be a magical day that provides luck to everyone.. but I just don't know.

I find it hard to believe in anything anymore.  I trust too much.  I rely on the goodness in others too much.  I give too much.  I just can't continue to think that there's good in the world, when I struggle so hard to see it.

I hate this time of the year.  I've been asked by so many how I can hate Christmas (blasphemy!).  It's not that I hate Christmas.... I just hate what the season has become.  This whole season was about spending time with those you love, and helping those in need.  Nowadays, it's become about who has the biggest and best gifts, how much money you spend, and greed.  I can't take it.

I have given more this season than I have in the past years.... and yet I seem to fall farther and farther back into the abyss that has become my life.  I can't find my smile without others being around.  I want to.  I want to be a better person.  I want to do more things in my life.  I want to have fun, and be carefree, and exciting.  And I set all these awesome goals with every intent of starting to do something with my life... and I fail.  Every. Single. Time.

I need a muse.  A bit of inspiration.  I need a change.

-R.






I need a friend.

I'm tired of feeling sorry, I think I'll do some laundry...

Over it...


I started cleaning out my life today.  I went through all of my clothes, and cleaned out a lot.  I started with a full dresser and full closet, and have ended with half a dresser, and half a closet.  Pretty exciting!!! 

I feel great!  It's so nice to start getting rid of things that you don't need anymore.  I hope that the rest of my life minimalization will be as awesome as tonight was.

 

Panoramic view of my now cleaned closet

Close up

Look at all those hangers!!!!

 

 

-R.



Forget your lust for the rich man's gold. All that you need is in your soul...

I think it's time for a life makeover....

I was sitting on my computer, listening to the Wild Thornberry movie playing on my Netflix, when it dawned on me....

I have way too much (pardon my language) shit in my life.

And it is shit.

I just got rid of my cable box yesterday, and I found myself so bored today without it.  I couldn't watch the newest episode of the Walking Dead, or Revenge.... and I wondered, why?  Why do I revolve my life around television shows?  Why do I complain that I keep gaining weight, and yet, refuse to get off the couch to even walk to the mailbox?  Why do I have a moment of creativity, only to lose it the minute I pull the supplies out?

I normally blame this on the fact that my thyroid doesn't work, and the medications are no longer working... but I think it's more than that.  I have become content being a boring person.  Why?  I spend hours on Facebook "catching up" on my friends' lives, instead of calling them, or writing them a letter.  I spend hours on Pinterest getting ideas for projects that I will never complete.  Why?

I walk into my closet and complain that I have nothing to wear, and then keep the clothing that I refuse to wear.  Why?  There are so many people who could use those clothes.  I have books that I've read, and they just sit on a shelf collecting dust.  What is wrong with me?

Here is my December objective:  Minimize the shit in my life.  Not the drama, or the emotional issues, but the materialistic bullshit that I hold onto, even though I have no reason for it.  Fucking stupid! 

Week one: Clear out clothing that doesn't fit, or you don't wear.
Week two: Clear out kitchen cupboards and donate whatever non-perishables you will not eat.
Week three: Clear out items that are no longer being used, are broken, or useless, and get rid of them!
Week four: Limit the online time to 1-2 hours per day (unless working on homework), and take a walk every morning/night.

I will keep you posted on everything as I go along.  Here's to less shit in my life, and hopefully yours as well!

-R.