I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.
I'm glad to say that I AM BACK! And better than ever!
So here's the long story short:
I spiraled into a deep depression. Started going to therapy. Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy. Joined a gym. Started eating better. Lost 7 pounds and still going!
Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went. I was never happy. I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself. Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could. I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of. I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16. And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.
I should probably backtrack on this. Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD. Because of this, I developed addictions. I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake. From there, I became a closet drug addict. I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in. I cannot remember about four years of my life. Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up. I changed my group of friends. I avoided certain places. I ran away -- to college. And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again. Different schools, different friends, different places. I just kept running....
.... up until about three months ago. When I finally grew too tired to run. Too tired to continue. And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again. And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....
I joined a gym. I started eating more fruits and veggies. I started taking the dog to the dog park. I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking. I just want to get my life back on track. I want to be me again. Honestly, truly me.
So this is where I begin to rewrite my story. I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride. I just hope that you come along with me.
