You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well just do whatever you want...

I'm not sure what happened at the beginning of this year.....

..... something changed within me.....

 

.....I became genuinely happy.....

 

 

....and now....

 

...my life can truly begin....

 

 

 

 

 

I recently received my tax returns, and rather than rush out and spend it on emptiness, like drinking my life away in the bar, spending money on people who don't reciprocate the kindness, or buying the unnecessary shit that society tells me I need, I made a mental list of all the awesome things I've ever wanted to do....

 

 

And from there, I decided that I needed to do more things for me.  I spend five days a week taking care of other people's kids, stressing over these kids' futures and choices, making sure they stay out of trouble... and the rest of my time is spent taking care of friends, making them happy... and for what?  It's not my responsibility.

 

So my first stop on this journey for myself was to a sporting goods store, in which I picked up a 6-person tent for $100.  Yep... I sure did.  I don't need a 6 person sleeper, but I wanted it, because, let's face it, I could go out camping, and keep everything in my tent.  From there, I went to an electronics store, and finally bought myself a decent camera.  So in addition to my Polaroid camera (yes, they still make those), two lomography cameras, an old 35mm that belonged to my grandmother, and the camera on my cell phone, I now own a Canon rebel.  And for shits and giggles, I bought a tripod, because let's face it, I'm not the most graceful or balanced person. (*Side note: I broke my ankle running down a flight of stairs, I fell of a bike and needed 13 stitches [two under the skin], tore a ligament in my knee, and pulled a piano bench across my shin, which could have resulted in a broken bone, plus all the times I walk into things).  Next on my journey was to hit the arts supply store, which was having a mega sale, so I got tons of awesome things.  I've also finished setting up my altar (two years in the making), so now I can meditate and practice within my home.  And about ten minutes ago, I signed up for a photography class that my mother had recently completed -- The Rebel's Guide to Falling in Love with Photography

 

You can read about it on her blog: Sticks and Stones (and these old bones)

 

In these coming weeks, there will be pictures, there will be artwork, there will be the emotions that I feel inside radiating out in whatever ways that I can make them come.  I only wish that others can experience what I feel inside.  And I'm going to simplify my life.  I don't need the fallacies that society portrays we do, and I can do things for free that I enjoy.  And if I have to go alone, so be it.

 

Follow your arrow, wherever it points.
-R.

PS: You need to see this....

Follow Your Arrow



 

 

One day this all will change...

Howdy stranger!

I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.

I'm glad to say that I AM BACK!  And better than ever!

So here's the long story short:

I spiraled into a deep depression.  Started going to therapy.  Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy.  Joined a gym.  Started eating better.  Lost 7 pounds and still going!

Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went.  I was never happy.  I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself.  Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could.  I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of.  I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16.  And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.

I should probably backtrack on this.  Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD.  Because of this, I developed addictions.  I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake.  From there, I became a closet drug addict.  I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in.  I cannot remember about four years of my life.  Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up.  I changed my group of friends.  I avoided certain places.  I ran away -- to college.  And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again.  Different schools, different friends, different places.  I just kept running....

.... up until about three months ago.  When I finally grew too tired to run.  Too tired to continue.  And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again.  And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....

I joined a gym.  I started eating more fruits and veggies.  I started taking the dog to the dog park.  I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking.  I just want to get my life back on track.  I want to be me again.  Honestly, truly me. 

So this is where I begin to rewrite my story.  I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride.  I just hope that you come along with me.