So which came first -- the music or the misery?

I am a horrible person.

Misery does, in fact, love company.  Am I miserable though?  I am unsure, but I do know that I am completely fucking horrible.....


(There is a story that was supposed to go here, but for my own sanity, I cannot write it.... Just trust that I have written about it elsewhere, and am currently working through it).


... And I am jealous.  I feel worse than before.  Not sad or upset.... just lonely.  I just want to curl up into a ball and lock myself away to be consumed by my own demons. I want to fight off these feelings forever... But I feel that I may never return to normal.

I've become so obsessed with finding someone that I'm willing to accept attention from anyone, even people I would never consider.  And I can't shut it off.  I've become so codependent on others to make me happy.  I can't do things that make me happy.  I keep saying that I need to change, but just can't seem to get myself to do it.  I make plans, set goals, and then rely on others to do it with me.  And if they don't, I lose all motivation.

What the hell?  Why do I let myself rely on others so much?  It's so dumb.  I go out of my way to make others happy, in the hopes that they'll like me.... and sometimes I feel like it's superficial.  Like I don't have true friends.  I know that I do, but sometimes I don't feel like I do.  I feel like an empty shell of myself.

It's not fair.

I just want to be.

I wish I could be just a little less dramatic, like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames...

I'm not the girl that got away, but the girl you failed to keep. 


Hello followers and friends!




I know it's been a while, and while I would like to apologize, I'm not going to.  You see, I went through a dark time.  It took me a while to get through it, but I think I have finally come out for the better.

Before I get into the details of everything, I want to put this disclaimer out there.... yes, I will admit that I though about hurting myself during this rough time.  BUT I DID NOT!  Self-harm is never an option, nor is suicide.  I would have never hurt myself.  I know that people would be disappointed in me. 




Ok, now down to the nitty gritty deets....

So, I've been in a depression for a while.  It got so bad that I ended up not going to work a couple times.  Simply because I couldn't get out of bed.  I was suffering from insomnia, and couldn't seem to fall asleep.  Once I managed to, I couldn't get myself out of bed.

I reached out for help.  I went to my doctor, who recommended a couple of therapists.  (I have yet to find one I like, but whatever.  I can do this.)  I turned to friends and family for help.  And then, by the grace of a higher power....

I discovered that my ex was now in a relationship.  With a very attractive girl.  And he tells her all the same things he used to say to me. 

So had a five minute melt-down after this, because, well.... let's be honest.  No one likes being the miserable one while their ex is loving their life.  I cried.  I yelled.  I called my momma. 

And then I did the bravest thing I have ever done.... I cleaned out anything and everything that reminded me of him.  Presents, collectibles, a friggin' digital photo frame!  I got rid of it.  AND.... I even placed my wedding dress on eBay.  Without the tears!

Holy crap I feel so liberated!  I finally feel happy.  I've started dating again.  Nothing serious, but everything in due time.

So with this post, may you find your strength to find your happiness.  And if you're struggling, please reach out to someone you love. 

And always know, dear readers, that I love each and everyone one of you, and am truly blessed to share this experience with you.



-R.