Well, some nights I wish that this all would end'Cause I could use some friends for a change

Be a strong winged fire-proof phoenix rising from the ashes.

Before I begin.... I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will fail. Like I always do. Every time I tried to drop the weight, something always stops me. I lose motivation. I get bored. I get injured. I need something to keep me going. But what? I cannot fail this time. I need to do this. For me. For my health. For my future. I need a change.

So what the hell, right?  I'm looking for a life makeover.   I've decided that I need to crack down on myself for being such a douche. I sit on my fat ass and complain about my weight.  Blame it on the broken thyroid as I eat half a bag of chip, a pint of ice cream, and a huge thing of milk.  Gah!

So this is my vow, fellow followers.... you are about to witness the changes unfolding.

I, Rachel, vow to make a huge change in my life.  I will begin to take responsibility for my actions, and begin to put my fate in my own hands.  I will workout daily, and eat healthier.  I ask that all of my followers, readers, and friends to hold me accountable for my posts, and help me through this process. 

Maybe together we can change ourselves for the better.

Starting point:
Weight: 236 lbs.
Neck: 16 inches
Arms: 19 inches
Chest: 40 inches
Waist: 41 inches
Hips: 49 inches
Thighs: 30 inches

There is no try. Trying is allowing yourself to fail. There is only do.

-R.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep....

It seems no one can help me now.  I'm in too deep, there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray.

It's been a while.  And I have paid the price.  Dearly.

I've been slowly spiraling back into the emptiness, the darkness, that consumes my life.  I didn't realize it fully until last night, when I was out with my best friend, and found myself jealous of everyone in the bar.  Even the old man who was ridiculously off-key during karaoke.  And I began to question myself?  Why could I not enjoy myself like they all were?  Why did I spend the whole night with this thought that something was going to happen, when I already knew that this was false?

Even as I sat down to write tonight, I found myself at a blank.  I am no longer interested in people's lives on facebook, nor the once inspiring posts on pinterest, and yet... I want to be.  I want to find solace in the things that once brought me pleasure.  I want to feel whole again, as I used to back home.  I want to be me again.

I was glancing through my previous posts, trying to see if I had used a certain lyric for a title, when I stopped at a post back in December.  Without even thinking, I began reading the post, only to discover that it was the post about the dream that I had, in which I felt inspired to keep the positive in my life, and not be consumed by the negative.  And I realized.... things happen for a reason.

I was meant to reread that post. 

It's weird how the world works.  I was giving a motivational speech at a high school in a town that reminded me of home, when a kid in the junior class came up to me.  I had noticed that I struck this kid's fancy, because throughout the speech, he was staring at me (and not to be judgmental, but he looked like the last kid who would listen to things like that).  He asked me a question, and then began to cry.  I walked outside with him, and we started talking about things.  After our talk, I informed the principal, who quickly intercepted him, and took him to the counselor's office, who hooked him up with the help he so desperately wanted and needed.  He was meant to hear me.

And I believe that I am meant for so much more that what my life is right now.  I am not happy in my current situation, but there are things I can do to change that.  It may be a long and hard road, and I may not be the same after, but I was meant to do this. 

I am about to make myself some coffee (at 10:42pm) because I love the smell and taste of it.  And then I am going to sit down, and write some letters that are long overdue to some people who probably never realized how much their friendship has meant to me over the years.  Because this is where I start anew.

We were meant to live for so much more....

-R.