Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again

I need to learn to be comfortable being alone.


My twin just left, and I'm alone again.  Something has died inside of me.  I feel like a mad woman, talking to the cat.  I don't know what to do with myself.

I find that I rely too much on others to help me define myself.  I know that I'm loud and crazy.  Do I really need someone to be there to see it?  I know that I like to talk to other people, new people, random people.... but do I need someone there to support me?

I'm at a stand still.

I've seriously been contemplating leaving everything behind, and starting over somewhere else.  I love the desert.  I love Phoenix.  I love the weather.  But, I need something more.  I need the ocean.  I need the beach.  I need hippies.  I need a tan.  I need shenanigans. 

I need a friend.

What do I stand for?  What do I want from life?

I stand for those who cannot stand for themselves.  I want to live life to the fullest.  

So why am I so scared?

Why can't I do all that I want to do?  Why can't I be like Brandon, and just follow my dreams?  Why can't I be charming like Evan?  Why can't I be mysterious like Joe?  Why can't I be silly like Bert?  Why can't I be as courageous as Sara? 

I need to figure myself out.  I need to rely on my friends to help me through this.  I need to call someone.

-R.

For I must be traveling on now, 'cause there's too many places I've gotta see.

Before I start off this post, I would like to send out prayers and wishes for safety to everyone affected by Hurricane Sandy. My twin has been stuck here with me for the last couple of days, because she cannot fly into LaGuardia to get home. The pictures alone are enough to make me cringe. Just know that the rest of the country is thinking about you, and wishing for your safety.



We must take adventures in order to know where we truly belong.


As promised....

The trip that saved my life!

 

 

We started from Phoenix, drove 313 miles northwest to Las Vegas, stayed the night, drove 178 miles to Twentynine Palms, visited a good friend of mine, drove 161 miles to Pacific Beach, stayed the night, played in the ocean, and then drove 353 miles back to Phoenix.  Three days.  1,005 miles.  And not a single regret about it. 

 

Because of this trip, I have no money, may lose my apartment, and will more than likely have everything shut off.... but I have begun to find myself again.  And to me, that's more important.

 

Spending nine days with the two best people that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing has certainly brought things back into perspective.  I was loud.  I was courageous.  I had fun.  I smiled. A LOT!  I remembered what it was like to be happy.  I gained my confidence back.

 

I don't expect a lot of people to understand how a three day road trip can bring out your true self.  You wanna know how?  Jump in your car, turn up the radio, roll down the windows (if possible), and just drive.  Drive to a place you've never been.  Experience it.  Run barefoot on the beach.  Get knocked down by waves.  Flirt with the early morning surfers.  Talk to strangers.  Visit the beachside stores.  Stay in a little known inn.  Make friends with the locals.  Talk about the "What ifs" (Sara, that's for you).  Laugh.  Cry.  Feel lonely.  Feel excited.  Be in the moment.  Don't think about later, tomorrow, next month, two years.  Just be in the now.  Experience life.  Understand how you feel in that moment, and go with it.  Allow yourself to experience those emotions, good or bad.  Work through them, or let the ocean carry them away.  Laugh at yourself.  Pretend to be a rockstar.  Almost run out of gas.  Make Border Patrol suspicious.  Race the truck next to you, with the guy who can't stop staring.  And when you get back, enjoy yourself.  Get dressed up.  Go out.  Get drunk.  Meet new people.  Grab butts (ahem Sara).  Talk with your waitress.  Tell everyone your life story.  Just not give a fuck.

 

This is what this trip has taught me.  Life is too short to worry about things that won't matter years from now.  So what if I can't maintain my apartment?  I can always find another one.  So what if I'm constantly broke?  It's only money.  What really matters is being you, in this moment, enjoying yourself.  If you can't do that, then I feel sorry for you.

 

I don't expect everyone to get what I'm saying.  Have your heart broken, follow my advice, and then check back in.  You'd be surprised how well I get it.  It's taken me three months, but I'm finally on the way to achieving my dreams.  To becoming myself.  Or a better me. 

 

I think I shall go where the wind takes me.

 

 

-R.

 

I'm about to show you just how missing me feels, in my red high heels.

I will not let you destroy me.

Sara got in last night. And up until this moment, I have been okay. I'm not thinking about you and all the troubles I've had because of our split.  I'm not throwing myslelf a pity party because we were supposed to have forever next week. Nope. For once, all is right in the world.

-----------------------------------

This week is all about the girls.  Reconnecting with old friends, making new ones, bringing out my ridiculousness.  Bringing me back.

I will keep all of my readers updated with the shenanigans that ensue due to this trip.  You will laugh, you might cry, but you and I will walk away better people.  Stronger people.  You may find out that I am not who you thought I was.  You may find that you want to be my best friend.  Either way, you will learn during this adventure.


To start things off, here's the beginning of the newest chapter.





-R.

If the medication works, could I be the way I was -- in control?

In the stillness of the morning, I feel the most alive.



I woke up early this morning, after only four hours of sleep.  This was not my intention, but for whatever reason, I could not sleep.  I have experienced this more lately than ever before.  I am sure that once I get past the date, I shall be sleeping again.  Insomnia is a curse and a blessing.  I wake up before the rest of the world.  I stand on my patio, and listen to the world come alive.  Birds are singing in the trees, picking the nuts out of pine cones.  The sun has just barely risen, casting a stream of light across the balcony.  A light breeze rustles the trees, and for a moment, I feel alright.  Other than the occasional dog walker, I am completely alone; yet in that state of being alone, I feel at peace with myself.  No worries, no irritations, no anger, no pain.  Just contentment. 

My mother told me when I first moved to the city that I would end up taking life too seriously.  I laughed because I have never been one to take anything seriously.  I know now that she was right.  A person is not meant to be contained by bricks and freeways, stuck in stop-and-go traffic, working a job that they despise.  A person is meant to explore, to do what makes them happy, to live. 

The stillness of the morning has made me realize that I want to do just that -- live.  For the past three years, I have been so concerned with making others happy and adapting to what they wanted that I have completely lost myself.  I used to be so carefree.  I remember spending an entire summer with friends at a campground.  We would pitch a tent to claim our spot, and everyone would come at dusk, and we would enjoy each others' company, laughing and sitting around a fire.  We were like a family.  Once the sun rose, we would go to our houses, shower, and go to work.  And then repeat it.  I survived a summer on Whopper Juniors and fresh air.  I used to take road trips by flipping a coin to determine where to go.  I used to drive to the lake in the early hours just to watch the sun rise.  When I couldn't sleep, I would sit on the shore listening to the waves crash, and watching the reflection of the moon bounce off the water. 

This is what I need to return to.  I need to find that girl who was content with being alone, listening to the world.  I need to figure out where I lost her, and bring her back.  I've been so busy trying to find someone to connect to, that I forget that I need to connect to myself first.  Today starts a new day.  Today starts a new journey, a new adventure, a new me.  I will find that girl, and I will bring her back.  I will be me again.

-R.

But I Was Scared to Death by Eternity...

And I've become content with this life that I lead
Where I drink too much, and don't believe in much of anything
And I lie to myself
And say it was for the best
--Straylight Run


I'm extra lonely tonight.  Once again, I had to get rid of toxic people, and this time it was my roommates.  Don't want to help with bills, find someone else to mooch off of.  I am very proud of myself for being able to stand up to them.  I feel like this is a step in the right direction.

I've started to open myself up more.  I went out with someone over the weekend.  Met at Jerry's (yum!), and stayed for 4 hours.  Didn't get home until 3:30am.  It was a fun time.  But I fear that I will once again try and attach myself to him, and I don't want to do that.  It's not fair for either of us.

So that's the update.  For those who care.

My best friends are coming out this weekend.  We're going on a roadtrip.  It's going to be the most adventurous thing I have ever done!  1000 miles, three days.  I finally get to cross some stuff off my bucket list, which is pretty exciting.

I feel that I'm getting into diary writing, so this is my clue to sign off.

-R.

One last thing....

I've tried sober, I've tried drinking, I've been strong, and I've been weak, and I still miss you.

I'm slowly spiraling down into a dark abyss. 


Today, I got to thinking....

In a little over two weeks, I would have been married.  I would have had my happily ever after.  I would've been Mrs.


But not anymore.  It's sad.  I thought I was going to marry the love of my life.  I thought that I was going to have my happily ever after.  And secretly, I think I still love him.  And I worry that I always will.

I find myself trying to attach to everything and anything... roommates, colleagues, random people... it's ridiculous.  I don't want to expose myself to that, but I just feel so alone right now.  And I know I'm not... I know that I have friends, and family, and people who care... but I don't feel like they are really connected to me.

That's been the hardest thing for me.  Losing my connection with my fellow man.  I have never been so disconnected from those around me.  Ever.  It's completely insane to think that one person can wander through life, feeling completely disconnected, completely alone, even when surrounded by people.

I am trying to look on the brighter sides of life.  I have two best friends coming out to visit in a little under two weeks.  Sara gets in next Friday, and Meeks follows behind on Monday.  We have a week of shenanigans planned... and I'm super excited.  We're planning on going to Vegas and California.  Visiting the Grand Canyon, and my friend Chrissy.  I'm super ecstatic that I have a couple super amazing friends that care enough to be with me during possibly the worst of my life. 

“It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”  ― Marlene Dietrich

R.

'Cause we all know art is hard, young artists have gotta starve

Since the breakup, I have begun to throw myself more and more into my artwork.  Here are a few of the masterpieces (ha!) that I have completed.

Please enjoy, and let me know what you think.  And if you want one, I may be willing to let it go.

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. --Thomas Merton

R.

I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world.

I hope that I can bring you as much inspiration as I discover for myself along the way.


Starting a blog is always the hardest thing to do online.  Most people treat it as an online journal, and have no intention of anyone reading it.  A very lucky few understand exactly what it's supposed to be: a window into someone's world... conversing with those who might relate.... inspiring those who have lost hope.  No wonder people worry so much about this.

I'll try my hardest to keep away from the diary-esque writing.  I want people to join me in my journey... to come along on adventures, and blunders, and life.  But before I can take you anywhere, you need to know where I've been.

I'm 26 years old.  I'll be 27 in January.  I've lived in a small town in upstated New York for almost my whole life... that is, until I moved to Phoenix.  And by small, I'm talking a population of 1600 people... and one stop light.  Anywho, not important.  I've been living in Phoenix since the summer of 2009.  While here, I met the love of my life.. "James".

James is a great guy.  He's honest, respectful, dedicated, passionate... everything a girl would ever want.  We dated for a year before he asked me to marry him.  I was so ecstatic!  We had a two year engagement so I could ensure that we could pay for the wedding.  We had our own place, a puppy who we considered our son, and the near perfect little life....

... and then James decided to move us into his parents' house, so we could save up for the wedding.  I was still paying as much as I had been at our old place... I was being treated like dirt by all his family... and I became severely depressed.  But I stuck it out because I loved him so.

About three months ago, I got into a fight with James' stepdad and was kicked out of the house.  I told James that I had the money to get an apartment and asked him to come with me....


... My life collapsed.  James refused to leave his parents' house, and I was forced to leave, alone.  I had to contact all of my family and friends to let them know that James and I were no longer getting married... I had to call wedding venues and caterers and everyone, trying to get my money back... I had to move into my father's house, which I really didn't want to, but had no other choice.

My best friend of 18 years decided that she and her girlfriend wanted a new start on life, so I offered to get an apartment with them if they moved out to Phoenix.  I picked them up in Las Vegas at 2 AM.  We spent a couple weeks looking for an apartment, found a great one, and moved in.

My best friend, "Nancy", and her girlfriend "Maggie" were a blast for the first two weeks.  We did a bunch of stuff together, and talked about decorating our new place.... and then Maggie's true colors began to emerge.  Nancy and I are six years Maggie's senior, and she had never lived in a place that her parents didn't help her with.  She was a slob.  She stayed in her room all day.  She did nothing to help contribute to the function of the apartment.  She would throw a tantrum if she didn't get her way.  Finally I had had enough and asked to talk to her about it.  She threatened to kill me.  I called the police.

A few days later, I returned from work to find that Nancy and Maggie has just left.  Abandoned me and their cat, Marvin.  Their names are still on the lease.  I cannot remove them.  They refuse to return my calls.

This is where this story begins.  I'm completely broke, I'm broken, I'm alone.... but I feel great.  I feel that I have a chance to find myself again.  I spent three years in a relationship that was very unhealthy.  I let people walk all over me.  I become someone I don't recognize.

So join me in my adventures.  Come along as I try to figure out who I am, what I want from life.... let's share our joys, hopes, worries, despairs, and build a friendship that can support each other.

You don't have to see the whole staircase.  You just have to take the first step.

R.