If the medication works, could I be the way I was -- in control?

In the stillness of the morning, I feel the most alive.



I woke up early this morning, after only four hours of sleep.  This was not my intention, but for whatever reason, I could not sleep.  I have experienced this more lately than ever before.  I am sure that once I get past the date, I shall be sleeping again.  Insomnia is a curse and a blessing.  I wake up before the rest of the world.  I stand on my patio, and listen to the world come alive.  Birds are singing in the trees, picking the nuts out of pine cones.  The sun has just barely risen, casting a stream of light across the balcony.  A light breeze rustles the trees, and for a moment, I feel alright.  Other than the occasional dog walker, I am completely alone; yet in that state of being alone, I feel at peace with myself.  No worries, no irritations, no anger, no pain.  Just contentment. 

My mother told me when I first moved to the city that I would end up taking life too seriously.  I laughed because I have never been one to take anything seriously.  I know now that she was right.  A person is not meant to be contained by bricks and freeways, stuck in stop-and-go traffic, working a job that they despise.  A person is meant to explore, to do what makes them happy, to live. 

The stillness of the morning has made me realize that I want to do just that -- live.  For the past three years, I have been so concerned with making others happy and adapting to what they wanted that I have completely lost myself.  I used to be so carefree.  I remember spending an entire summer with friends at a campground.  We would pitch a tent to claim our spot, and everyone would come at dusk, and we would enjoy each others' company, laughing and sitting around a fire.  We were like a family.  Once the sun rose, we would go to our houses, shower, and go to work.  And then repeat it.  I survived a summer on Whopper Juniors and fresh air.  I used to take road trips by flipping a coin to determine where to go.  I used to drive to the lake in the early hours just to watch the sun rise.  When I couldn't sleep, I would sit on the shore listening to the waves crash, and watching the reflection of the moon bounce off the water. 

This is what I need to return to.  I need to find that girl who was content with being alone, listening to the world.  I need to figure out where I lost her, and bring her back.  I've been so busy trying to find someone to connect to, that I forget that I need to connect to myself first.  Today starts a new day.  Today starts a new journey, a new adventure, a new me.  I will find that girl, and I will bring her back.  I will be me again.

-R.