So which came first -- the music or the misery?

I am a horrible person.

Misery does, in fact, love company.  Am I miserable though?  I am unsure, but I do know that I am completely fucking horrible.....


(There is a story that was supposed to go here, but for my own sanity, I cannot write it.... Just trust that I have written about it elsewhere, and am currently working through it).


... And I am jealous.  I feel worse than before.  Not sad or upset.... just lonely.  I just want to curl up into a ball and lock myself away to be consumed by my own demons. I want to fight off these feelings forever... But I feel that I may never return to normal.

I've become so obsessed with finding someone that I'm willing to accept attention from anyone, even people I would never consider.  And I can't shut it off.  I've become so codependent on others to make me happy.  I can't do things that make me happy.  I keep saying that I need to change, but just can't seem to get myself to do it.  I make plans, set goals, and then rely on others to do it with me.  And if they don't, I lose all motivation.

What the hell?  Why do I let myself rely on others so much?  It's so dumb.  I go out of my way to make others happy, in the hopes that they'll like me.... and sometimes I feel like it's superficial.  Like I don't have true friends.  I know that I do, but sometimes I don't feel like I do.  I feel like an empty shell of myself.

It's not fair.

I just want to be.

I wish I could be just a little less dramatic, like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames...

I'm not the girl that got away, but the girl you failed to keep. 


Hello followers and friends!




I know it's been a while, and while I would like to apologize, I'm not going to.  You see, I went through a dark time.  It took me a while to get through it, but I think I have finally come out for the better.

Before I get into the details of everything, I want to put this disclaimer out there.... yes, I will admit that I though about hurting myself during this rough time.  BUT I DID NOT!  Self-harm is never an option, nor is suicide.  I would have never hurt myself.  I know that people would be disappointed in me. 




Ok, now down to the nitty gritty deets....

So, I've been in a depression for a while.  It got so bad that I ended up not going to work a couple times.  Simply because I couldn't get out of bed.  I was suffering from insomnia, and couldn't seem to fall asleep.  Once I managed to, I couldn't get myself out of bed.

I reached out for help.  I went to my doctor, who recommended a couple of therapists.  (I have yet to find one I like, but whatever.  I can do this.)  I turned to friends and family for help.  And then, by the grace of a higher power....

I discovered that my ex was now in a relationship.  With a very attractive girl.  And he tells her all the same things he used to say to me. 

So had a five minute melt-down after this, because, well.... let's be honest.  No one likes being the miserable one while their ex is loving their life.  I cried.  I yelled.  I called my momma. 

And then I did the bravest thing I have ever done.... I cleaned out anything and everything that reminded me of him.  Presents, collectibles, a friggin' digital photo frame!  I got rid of it.  AND.... I even placed my wedding dress on eBay.  Without the tears!

Holy crap I feel so liberated!  I finally feel happy.  I've started dating again.  Nothing serious, but everything in due time.

So with this post, may you find your strength to find your happiness.  And if you're struggling, please reach out to someone you love. 

And always know, dear readers, that I love each and everyone one of you, and am truly blessed to share this experience with you.



-R.

She looks up at the building, says she's thinking of jumping. She says she's tired of life. She must be tired of something....

When will enough be enough?


The night is still, unlike my mind.  It's quiet, almost like a whisper.  Almost a full moon.  Beautiful.  And yet, I feel trapped.  I feel blocked by the concrete and the bricks, starved for a connection.  A chance to get away.  I long for the lake, the sound of the waves as they kissed the shore.  Being completely alone with myself and the world.  Enjoying the solace that it brings.  There's not even a breeze tonight.  It's as if the world itself has given up, holding her breath to try and change.  But she's become a stagnant being, afraid of life. 

Just like me.

No longer do I feel the call of adventure just beyond the borders.  No longer do I get the rush from late nights.  No longer do I feel connected to the beat of the earth, calling to me to live.  How can I hear the call through all the noise in my head?  Hoe can I begin to start over again?  Do we ever really begin again?

My soul is nothing by darkness.  All I feel is a never-ending despair.  I put the happy on, so no one can tell that inside I'm drowning.  I am alone in this world, trapped within my own mind.  I am a prisoner within my own brain, unable to find the key, or the lock, or the door to get out of the prison.  I just want out of the shell that I have become. 

Remember who you used to be.
-- R.


 
DISCLAIMER: Please do not worry about me.  I am having a moment, but this, too, shall pass.
As I sat on the balcony of my apartment, writing the words you just read, I began to think back to the people who helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.  And I realized they are no longer there.  I'm sure a few would be available if I needed something, but they aren't there.  It's as if they do not exist outside of my brain.  I can't touch them, I can't hug them.  I can't cry on their shoulders.  And how I wish I could.  I wish I could just return to my hometown, and have it be like it was four years ago.  All of us around a campfire, listening to one of the many talented musicians bust out a great sing-along on the acoustic.  Playing cards and laughing hysterically at the stupid things we used to do. 

But alas, all great things must come to an end.  Will those people forever hold a special place in my heart?  Of course.  They were the greatest group of friends that anyone could ever hope for.  They pissed you off, held you up, had your back, and made you laugh.  I really miss them.  And I hope they all know how much I truly love each and every one of them.  They were my family, and I will always feel that kinship.  And to those that are no longer with us, rest easy my friends.  Our paths will cross again.

The insomnia has kicked in once again.  It's going to be a long night. 

Have faith, my friends.  It is always darkest before the dawn.  A new sun will rise tomorrow, and we will have the chance to be great.  Tell someone you love them (honestly.  Don't throw that word around so much.  Save it for the ones who truly matter).  Give them a million hugs and kisses, and make sure that they know how much they mean to you.  And hold on to those friendships.  Do not let them drift away.

 

 

I will be strong, I'll stand by you.

My heart sank.  The terrorist attacks of 9/11 replayed in my head.  And my heart immediately went to all those I personally know in the military....

Boston.  My prayers are with you.  My heart bleeds for the families still trying to find their loved ones, those who were injured, those that were murdered, and those who still survive.  I could never begin to imagine the pain and suffering you are going through.  But please know that there are people standing by you, willing to help pick you up, and give you strength.

It's moments like this that you realize what truly matters in life.  It's not about the money, it's not about the fame.  It's about the human connection.  We, as a world, are all connected, and when something as tragic as the events today happens, we come together.  Connected by a single thread that makes us human. 

It's important to stress, however, that being in an industrial country makes us blind to the atrocities throughout the world.  Every day, people throughout the world are experiencing exactly what we did today.  Or worse.  Every day, families are torn apart, people are murdered, lose body parts, fear for their lives and the lives of others.  We are truly blessed to not experience that.  Children are kidnapped and trained to be soldiers, or sold into the trafficking underground.  Entire neighborhoods are turned into ghettos. 

We need to realize that we are all intertwined, that we are all connected to one another.  We need to begin to extend our hands to those in need.  We need to start acting like we belong to the world. 

With that being said, I am offering up my help to those who need it.  I will do whatever I can to help those in need.  Those affected by the attacks today, I welcome you to seek help... if not from me, from someone else.  You are not in this alone. 

"Each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." -- Mitch Albom

Blessings to you and yours.
-R.

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end'Cause I could use some friends for a change

Be a strong winged fire-proof phoenix rising from the ashes.

Before I begin.... I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will fail. Like I always do. Every time I tried to drop the weight, something always stops me. I lose motivation. I get bored. I get injured. I need something to keep me going. But what? I cannot fail this time. I need to do this. For me. For my health. For my future. I need a change.

So what the hell, right?  I'm looking for a life makeover.   I've decided that I need to crack down on myself for being such a douche. I sit on my fat ass and complain about my weight.  Blame it on the broken thyroid as I eat half a bag of chip, a pint of ice cream, and a huge thing of milk.  Gah!

So this is my vow, fellow followers.... you are about to witness the changes unfolding.

I, Rachel, vow to make a huge change in my life.  I will begin to take responsibility for my actions, and begin to put my fate in my own hands.  I will workout daily, and eat healthier.  I ask that all of my followers, readers, and friends to hold me accountable for my posts, and help me through this process. 

Maybe together we can change ourselves for the better.

Starting point:
Weight: 236 lbs.
Neck: 16 inches
Arms: 19 inches
Chest: 40 inches
Waist: 41 inches
Hips: 49 inches
Thighs: 30 inches

There is no try. Trying is allowing yourself to fail. There is only do.

-R.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep....

It seems no one can help me now.  I'm in too deep, there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray.

It's been a while.  And I have paid the price.  Dearly.

I've been slowly spiraling back into the emptiness, the darkness, that consumes my life.  I didn't realize it fully until last night, when I was out with my best friend, and found myself jealous of everyone in the bar.  Even the old man who was ridiculously off-key during karaoke.  And I began to question myself?  Why could I not enjoy myself like they all were?  Why did I spend the whole night with this thought that something was going to happen, when I already knew that this was false?

Even as I sat down to write tonight, I found myself at a blank.  I am no longer interested in people's lives on facebook, nor the once inspiring posts on pinterest, and yet... I want to be.  I want to find solace in the things that once brought me pleasure.  I want to feel whole again, as I used to back home.  I want to be me again.

I was glancing through my previous posts, trying to see if I had used a certain lyric for a title, when I stopped at a post back in December.  Without even thinking, I began reading the post, only to discover that it was the post about the dream that I had, in which I felt inspired to keep the positive in my life, and not be consumed by the negative.  And I realized.... things happen for a reason.

I was meant to reread that post. 

It's weird how the world works.  I was giving a motivational speech at a high school in a town that reminded me of home, when a kid in the junior class came up to me.  I had noticed that I struck this kid's fancy, because throughout the speech, he was staring at me (and not to be judgmental, but he looked like the last kid who would listen to things like that).  He asked me a question, and then began to cry.  I walked outside with him, and we started talking about things.  After our talk, I informed the principal, who quickly intercepted him, and took him to the counselor's office, who hooked him up with the help he so desperately wanted and needed.  He was meant to hear me.

And I believe that I am meant for so much more that what my life is right now.  I am not happy in my current situation, but there are things I can do to change that.  It may be a long and hard road, and I may not be the same after, but I was meant to do this. 

I am about to make myself some coffee (at 10:42pm) because I love the smell and taste of it.  And then I am going to sit down, and write some letters that are long overdue to some people who probably never realized how much their friendship has meant to me over the years.  Because this is where I start anew.

We were meant to live for so much more....

-R.

'Cause I'm a ramblin' man, and I ain't ever gon' change. I've got a gypsy soul to blame and I was born for leavin'

This monotony is killing me.

I need an out.  I need a change.  I need to do something bigger with my life... not bigger like money or fame.  Bigger, like changing the world.  I feel so helpless.  I feel stuck in a job that I can't seem to change (or be creative).  I feel like my soul is slowly dying.  Since before the breakup, the only time I truly felt like myself was when I was driving down the highway with my two best friends, or up in the mountains watching the wild life with my mom.  Or even just out looking for geocaches.  I'm not meant to be stuck in a cubicle all day.

I need to find something better.  I need the ocean, a cause that I can actually do something amazing in, and a friend.

It's hard to believe that I have become so disconnected with everything that I once felt connected to.  It's like a whole is opening in my heart, and no matter what I do to make myself happy, it just makes it worse.

I miss my friends.  I miss BMac, B. Michael, Bert, Sherpa, Dano, Dena, Brian, Meeks, Vick, Spad, Heinz, Erica.  I miss being able to walk out my front door and know that someone was just a short walk away.  I miss going for joy rides, camping, bonfires, guitars, and all around shenanigans.  I miss watching Family Guy, snuggled in my bed with my future "husband".  I miss Amber's smile and laugh.  I miss Lizzie Loo.  I miss being able to go to work at the bar, and seeing everyone who truly cared about me in one place. 

I miss my home.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I need a purpose.

You'll find better love.

-R.