Well, some nights I wish that this all would end'Cause I could use some friends for a change

Be a strong winged fire-proof phoenix rising from the ashes.

Before I begin.... I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will fail. Like I always do. Every time I tried to drop the weight, something always stops me. I lose motivation. I get bored. I get injured. I need something to keep me going. But what? I cannot fail this time. I need to do this. For me. For my health. For my future. I need a change.

So what the hell, right?  I'm looking for a life makeover.   I've decided that I need to crack down on myself for being such a douche. I sit on my fat ass and complain about my weight.  Blame it on the broken thyroid as I eat half a bag of chip, a pint of ice cream, and a huge thing of milk.  Gah!

So this is my vow, fellow followers.... you are about to witness the changes unfolding.

I, Rachel, vow to make a huge change in my life.  I will begin to take responsibility for my actions, and begin to put my fate in my own hands.  I will workout daily, and eat healthier.  I ask that all of my followers, readers, and friends to hold me accountable for my posts, and help me through this process. 

Maybe together we can change ourselves for the better.

Starting point:
Weight: 236 lbs.
Neck: 16 inches
Arms: 19 inches
Chest: 40 inches
Waist: 41 inches
Hips: 49 inches
Thighs: 30 inches

There is no try. Trying is allowing yourself to fail. There is only do.

-R.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep....

It seems no one can help me now.  I'm in too deep, there's no way out.  This time I have really led myself astray.

It's been a while.  And I have paid the price.  Dearly.

I've been slowly spiraling back into the emptiness, the darkness, that consumes my life.  I didn't realize it fully until last night, when I was out with my best friend, and found myself jealous of everyone in the bar.  Even the old man who was ridiculously off-key during karaoke.  And I began to question myself?  Why could I not enjoy myself like they all were?  Why did I spend the whole night with this thought that something was going to happen, when I already knew that this was false?

Even as I sat down to write tonight, I found myself at a blank.  I am no longer interested in people's lives on facebook, nor the once inspiring posts on pinterest, and yet... I want to be.  I want to find solace in the things that once brought me pleasure.  I want to feel whole again, as I used to back home.  I want to be me again.

I was glancing through my previous posts, trying to see if I had used a certain lyric for a title, when I stopped at a post back in December.  Without even thinking, I began reading the post, only to discover that it was the post about the dream that I had, in which I felt inspired to keep the positive in my life, and not be consumed by the negative.  And I realized.... things happen for a reason.

I was meant to reread that post. 

It's weird how the world works.  I was giving a motivational speech at a high school in a town that reminded me of home, when a kid in the junior class came up to me.  I had noticed that I struck this kid's fancy, because throughout the speech, he was staring at me (and not to be judgmental, but he looked like the last kid who would listen to things like that).  He asked me a question, and then began to cry.  I walked outside with him, and we started talking about things.  After our talk, I informed the principal, who quickly intercepted him, and took him to the counselor's office, who hooked him up with the help he so desperately wanted and needed.  He was meant to hear me.

And I believe that I am meant for so much more that what my life is right now.  I am not happy in my current situation, but there are things I can do to change that.  It may be a long and hard road, and I may not be the same after, but I was meant to do this. 

I am about to make myself some coffee (at 10:42pm) because I love the smell and taste of it.  And then I am going to sit down, and write some letters that are long overdue to some people who probably never realized how much their friendship has meant to me over the years.  Because this is where I start anew.

We were meant to live for so much more....

-R.

'Cause I'm a ramblin' man, and I ain't ever gon' change. I've got a gypsy soul to blame and I was born for leavin'

This monotony is killing me.

I need an out.  I need a change.  I need to do something bigger with my life... not bigger like money or fame.  Bigger, like changing the world.  I feel so helpless.  I feel stuck in a job that I can't seem to change (or be creative).  I feel like my soul is slowly dying.  Since before the breakup, the only time I truly felt like myself was when I was driving down the highway with my two best friends, or up in the mountains watching the wild life with my mom.  Or even just out looking for geocaches.  I'm not meant to be stuck in a cubicle all day.

I need to find something better.  I need the ocean, a cause that I can actually do something amazing in, and a friend.

It's hard to believe that I have become so disconnected with everything that I once felt connected to.  It's like a whole is opening in my heart, and no matter what I do to make myself happy, it just makes it worse.

I miss my friends.  I miss BMac, B. Michael, Bert, Sherpa, Dano, Dena, Brian, Meeks, Vick, Spad, Heinz, Erica.  I miss being able to walk out my front door and know that someone was just a short walk away.  I miss going for joy rides, camping, bonfires, guitars, and all around shenanigans.  I miss watching Family Guy, snuggled in my bed with my future "husband".  I miss Amber's smile and laugh.  I miss Lizzie Loo.  I miss being able to go to work at the bar, and seeing everyone who truly cared about me in one place. 

I miss my home.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I need a purpose.

You'll find better love.

-R.

What's up Phoenix, what's Up? Phoenix, Jump on it, jump on it, jump on it!

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” -- Benjamin Franklin

This weekend has been the most inspiring, motivating, amazing weekend to date!    Saturday I spent the day cleaning my apartment... to most people that doesn't sound inspiring, but you would be amazed the amount of crap that we allow to build up in our lives!  Just having a clean shower made me feel so much better.  But I legit went through everything.... every cupboard, drawer, closet, everything.  Started to find things that I didn't want anymore and posting them on craigslist.    I got rid of the vinyls that I was going to use for the wedding that never happened.  It was like a weight was being removed.  I never have to look at them again and remind myself of what might have been.  Thank god!  I also got rid of a dresser mirror that I hate.  I'm not one for mirrors anyways, but with the giant ballet mirror in my living/dining area, I needed to get rid of it.  Now on to the dresser!   And then this guy at work text me to tell me about this great documentary about women discrimination throughout the world (including the US), and I ended up watching the whole thing.  The documentary came after the publishing of the book with the same title: Half the Sky.  Check it out.  It's on Netflix.  It's incredible, and took me on an emotional roller coaster.  I was crying, pissed off, and empowered all within the four hours I spent watching it!   Sunday, I went and had "coffee" with some people (coffee is in quotations because the coffee shop at the bookstore was closed... for good).  I sold some books to the bookstore, and the rest I donated.  I had great intellectual conversation with the girls I met.... lots of political ideals and speculations!  Afterward, I went geocaching (which if you know me, it's my biggest obsession in the world).  I found 10 geocaches and some of my favorites to date.  I will post the photos at the end of this post. Then it was time for softball.  I asked our captain to put me infield, and so I got to play 2nd base.  I sucked at it, but I had a blast.  I even got a run!  That's a huge thing for me, because I've never been athletic.... ever!  We won the game, and I cannot wait for next week!!!!!!!!!    Today -- I am thinking I might get dressed and do some more geocaching... or lounge around all day working on homework and dissertation topics.  Who knows?  And who cares?  I am happy, and that's all that matters.   Find something that makes you happy, and hold onto it until your knuckles turn white.  Then hold tighter.   -R.

I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless, & in this moment I am happy.

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness.

I was talking with my friend Bmac today, and he is experiencing a lot of the same issues that I am.... loneliness, unhappiness, despair, anguish.  I told him to do things that he enjoys, but he said that even when he does, he still wakes up in a bummed mood.

So we starting talking about things that we wanted to do..... and I got to thinking.....

Why not?  Why can't we do the things we want to do?  I want to learn to play the ukulele.  I have two of them.  Why can't I learn them?  Who's stopping me?

I am.

Why am I so afraid of starting something new?  Is it a fear of failure?  I hate failing.  But, I also hate winning.  Weird right?  It's like, I do just enough to keep me in the high B, low A area in school, but if I truly applied my talents, I could easily have high A's in every class.  I cut corners on projects so that I can finish them faster.  Sometimes they get noticed; however, more often they get overlooked. 

Why can't I travel the world?  Why can't I decide on a dissertation topic?  Why can't I learn the uke?  Why can't I learn Spanish?  Why can't I?  Why?

Do what you think you can't.  Push yourself to the limits of your comfort zone.  Don't be afraid of failing.  Don't be afraid of winning.  Just don't be afraid. 

I'll be working on that uke now.  And once I learn a song, maybe I'll record it, and add the video to here.


You were meant to live for so much more.

-R.

Who will save your souls if you won't save your own?

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

I've been in a really dark space the last couple of days.  I've been inside my head too much.  And I can't seem to shake it.  I've tried everything that normally works for me, and yet, I still feel like a worthless piece of shit.

Friday was the worst.  Friday, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I forced myself to.  I forced myself to go to work.  I forced myself to sit in front of my computer, and did completely nothing.  I made it look like I was working on things, but in actuality, I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Even as I sit here writing this post, I feel miserable.  I have so much to be happy for, but I can't seem to get myself into that happy space.  I want to be happy.  I hate feeling this way.  It's like something in my head has gone completely haywire, and I even though I know how to fix it, I can't seem to find the one wire I need to make it better.

I have a feeling it is because I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing... I'm looking for things that I don't need right now in my life.  Maybe that is why I'm so completely miserable.  I reactivated my profile on a dating website again.... and that seems to be when this miserable feeling started. 

Holy shit.

Even as I write about it, it's like the universe is telling me to deactivate it.  I never thought that would have been the cause.  Thanks dear readers.  I know you had nothing to do with this, but since I feel that I need to write for you, maybe you did have an effect on me.

I just deactivated it.  I feel like something has been lifted.  Who knew that I would be so in tune with the universe that this action would help.  Strange.  Something is planned for me.  I know it.  Time to look into it.

If anyone knows of any scholarship programs that will allow me to travel the world for research, can someone please let me know?  I think I want to study other cultures for my doctoral thesis.

And for the first time in a few days, there's a smile on my face.


Slow down everyone.  You're moving too fast.

-R.

It's times like these you learn to live again...

Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest challenge. -- Thomas S. Manson

Today has been such a challenge.

All day, I've been fighting emotions off... disgust, jealousy, regret, anger, fear, rejection, unrequited love.... I have gone through just about every emotion known to man today.  It's one of the worst feelings ever.  To be completely out of control.  To be crying one minute, smiling the next, pissed off, scared, ashamed.... What. The. Fuck.


I watched a movie this afternoon, and the more I think about it, the more I come to understand why I was experiencing all that I did today.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home is about a man who believes in fate.  In destiny.  The whole movie is based around him searching for Kevin.  He receives a call for Kevin, he follows a kid named Kevin, follows a candy truck with Kevin on it.... it goes on.  He believes that it is showing him his destiny, which ultimately it does.

What does this have to do with my shit storm of emotions today?  Up until recently, I had been following my life path.  Doing what made me happy, being around people who made me happy.  Then, I stopped.  I stopped doing things by myself.  I stopped caring about my health.  I stopped relying on spiritual things to make me happy.  And today, I am paying for it.

I don't understand where I went wrong.  I know what I need to do.  I think it is because of the initial payoffs that I get from my decisions.  I'm a fucking idiot, that's for sure.  Maybe I was better off doing my own thing.  At least then I was happy.

I'm super excited because in about a month, I will be reconnected with one of my best friends.  And I know that she will help to bring me out of my funk, and encourage me to be better.  Until then, I need to figure my shit out.  I don't like being this person that I am starting to drift back to. 

How the fuck do I get out of this?

-R.