What have I become, my dearest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end.

I've been in the dark.  The light has finally been extinguished. Not even a speck of dust remains of the life that I had known. I used to be happy once.  I used to smile.  Now my heart permanently frowns as it carries the worries and the shames and the guilts and the pains.  The smiles that come aren't real. Simply a mask placed outside so that this emptiness that was once a soul doesn't cause burden to anyone.  I would hate to cause anyone trouble by getting into my own worries and doubts and fears.  Everyone has enough going on in their lives without having me to screw it up.  I hate that these emotions are like waves, and they come and go.  But the dark ones stay.  Just a little longer.  It's as if the clouds have blocked the sun during a solar eclipse so that the world has gone dark.  The only noise is the sound of waves crashing against the shore, but it's so dark that I just can't seem to find them.  If I could just get to the water's edge, this negativity would be gone.  Maybe not forever, but maybe it wouldn't seem so dark.  The negative energy has once again appeared, and this time, I'm afraid I don't have the willpower to sweep it out.   I have done all that I can to get the darkness out.... and I see the silver line across the shore.  The water's edge has appeared for me once again.  It's faint, and far, but I can see it.

I can see it.

If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.

A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success. -- Elbert Hubbard

So, I've been working out for a little over a week, and I am so excited to see the changes that have already come. 

I switched from Insanity to a bunch of different workouts.  I've been having some crazy lung issues, so two minutes in, and I'm hacking up a storm.

Anyways, I've been sticking to my 1600 calorie diet, and making sure that I'm eating better.  In addition, I've also noticed that I have lost weight and inches.  Which is super exciting!!!

So here's where I'm at today:

Weight: 240 237
Chest:  44  42.5"
L Bicep: 18 17"
R Bicep: 19 17.5"
Waist: 43 41"
Hips: 48.5 47"
L Thigh: 30 29.25"
R Thigh: 30.5 29.5"
L Calf: 17 16.5"
R Calf: 17.5 16.25"

 

 

Very exciting for me!!!!  Hopefully, I can keep this up, and before you know it, I will be at my healthy weight!!!

 

 

Thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement.  You all mean a lot to me! 

 

 

And just when you thought you couldn't walk farther, you sprouted wings.

 

-R.

 

Here's to us fools that have no meaning. I tip my glass to you....

So tonight's post was supposed to be about the awesome shenanigans that I have begun to partake in, but I'm sort of pissed right now.... so I think I will rant and get rid of this negative energy before I explode.

This apartment has slowly begun to amass some negative energy.  Things happen behind closed doors, out of eyesight and earshot, and I can definitely feel the negativity boiling out into my living space.  And I'm not happy about it.  I worked hard to clean the negativity out of my life, and to have it brought back in because of petty issues.... it's really bugging me.  But, hey.... not my business right?  I'll just continue trying to flood my space with positivity and hopefully, it will even out.


Ok now on to the real reason I am posting tonight......

I EFFIN' STARTED THE INSANITY WORKOUT TONIGHT!

Shaun T. Max interval training. Possible death.  Just doing the fit test alone was enough to make me realize how out of shape I am (and while round is a shape, I would like to be healthier).  So here's the dealio (holy 90s throwback)....

Every time I take a fit test, I will update you all on the improvements I have made.  Any time I come across some delish healthy meal, I will post it for you.  Any time I struggle, I'll let you know.  I want to continue to be real -- continue to be raw -- continue to be me.  I have begun the new lifestyle that will be mine.... and I want to share it with you!  I want to make life awesome for us all.  And if you find inspiration, great.  If you want to share your troubles, let me know, and I can add you as a guest blogger.  I want to begin a revolution.  Where big, beautiful women can finally get healthy without feeling like a failure.  Yes we may fall.  But the only failure is sitting there and not getting up.

So here's where I'm at today:

All Pictures Taken 6/14/13

 

Weight: 240

Body Fat: 42.6%

Chest: 44"

L Bicep: 18"       R Bicep: 19"

Waist: 43"

Hips: 48.5"

L Thigh: 30"      R Thigh: 30.5"

L Calf: 17"        R Calf: 17.5"

 

Switch kicks: 17 (no jumps though)

Power Jacks: 20

Power Knees: 30

Power Jumps: 5

Globe Jumps: 5

Suicide Jumps: 4

Push-up Jacks: 0 (I did do 15 girly push-ups though)

Low Plank Oblique: 16 

 

First fit test: Complete.

 

Next fit test: 6/28/13

 

This week's workout:

• Saturday: Plyometric Cardio Circuit
• Sunday: Cardio Power Resistance
• Monday: Cardio Recovery
• Tuesday: Pure Cardio (fuck my life)
• Wednesday: Plyometric Cardio Circuit
• Thursday: Off :)

I will begin workouts in the morning -- hopefully that will help me to keep it going throughout the day.  I will also begin meal planning as well.... that way I can make sure I'm not undoing all the hard work I complete. 

 

So my challenge for you -- find a workout plan, set your goals, and complete it. 

 

First goal:  Make it through the whole warm-up without stopping.

Goal deadline: 2nd Fit test

 

And just in case you're wondering......

 

Yep... it's that intense.  This was after the FIT TEST!  I hadn't even done a whole workout yet!  But I will make this work!  I will succeed!

Who wants to join Team Fit and Sexy?

And in case you needed more inspiration.....







-R.

 

Cowboy take me away.

I need an adventure.

I know that I said that my last post would be the final, but I realized that my starting over doesn't just stop. So I shall continue this blog.

I need an escape. I'm so over just sitting still in one place. I want to explore -- to go somewhere off the beaten path. I've stayed still for too long. I want to get away. Just leave the pain and emotions behind.  Find some local stores and adventures. I'm so through with the mundane and stagnant life I have been handed. I'm not happy.  I'm never happy when I'm stuck. I want to be happy. I want to be unstuck.  Someone take me away.

This one's for the girls who've ever had a broken heart, who've wished upon a shooting star....

.... You're beautiful the way you are.



Life sure has been crazy lately. 

I've been struggling for a while now, trying to figure out what I can do to make me happy, and it seems like no matter what I do, I just can't get there.  (For those just joining us, you can read the details here.) 

Well, I started doing my own thing.... I started spending 15-20 minutes in the morning, while drinking my coffee, to work out.  Nothing too major, just something small to make me feel awesome.  Here's what I've been doing:

(thanks to the lovelies at downtownn.tumblr.com for this fabulous workout plan!)

So every morning, I get up, I find my day, and I work out.  I also add in some other things (like toning the guns), just for schnitz and giggles.  (5 points to the house that can figure out that reference [10 points to the house that can figure out that reference]).  Nothing major.... just something to help me out.  And never mind those skinny chicks in the image.... replace them with your own motivation.  Mine tends to be something like this:

(That's me on the right.... sixth grade... lowest weight ever.... walked 4 miles a day...)

 

Granted, I know I will probably never get to that weight again in my life, but I would like to see that thin face again, and the tiny arms, and that collar bone... 

 

And I think I will succeed this time.....

 

Because for the first time in four years, I don't give a fuck.  Let me repeat that... I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.  Period. End of story.

 

For the first time in four years (since I left my hometown to set off on my own adventure), I honestly don't care what others think.  I don't care if you think I'm fat, or perfect the way I am.  I don't care if you like me better as a brunette than a blond.  I don't care if you think that outfit looks horrendous on me.  I am who I am.  Your approval is not needed.

 

This time around, it's about making me better.  I watched several adults play sports with some kids today at work, and I realized I wanted to be that staff.  I wanted to be the one who can go play soccer with the best of them, and not feel like passing out after 2.3 seconds.  I also want to run.  I see people running all the time in my neighborhood, and I think, I want to do that.  I want to be the person, sweat dripping down my face, in a sports bra, all toned, earbuds in, running through the neighborhood.  I want to walk up a flight of stairs and not feel my heart beating in my head. I want to be healthy.  I don't want to just survive......

 

I WANT TO LIVE.

 

So here it is folks.  This is where I end this story and begin a new one.  I will keep this blog open for a little bit, and will reference back once the new one is up and running.  Thank you to all my loyal readers.  You have no idea how much you have pushed me to become something truly incredible. 

 

I want you to live.  Get off your computer/phone/tablet/etc.  Go outside and look at the stars.  Don't think about anything.  Just look and listen.  Mother Earth calls to you.  Will you answer? 

 

 

Don't just survive.... live.

 

Much love.

 

-R.

 

So which came first -- the music or the misery?

I am a horrible person.

Misery does, in fact, love company.  Am I miserable though?  I am unsure, but I do know that I am completely fucking horrible.....


(There is a story that was supposed to go here, but for my own sanity, I cannot write it.... Just trust that I have written about it elsewhere, and am currently working through it).


... And I am jealous.  I feel worse than before.  Not sad or upset.... just lonely.  I just want to curl up into a ball and lock myself away to be consumed by my own demons. I want to fight off these feelings forever... But I feel that I may never return to normal.

I've become so obsessed with finding someone that I'm willing to accept attention from anyone, even people I would never consider.  And I can't shut it off.  I've become so codependent on others to make me happy.  I can't do things that make me happy.  I keep saying that I need to change, but just can't seem to get myself to do it.  I make plans, set goals, and then rely on others to do it with me.  And if they don't, I lose all motivation.

What the hell?  Why do I let myself rely on others so much?  It's so dumb.  I go out of my way to make others happy, in the hopes that they'll like me.... and sometimes I feel like it's superficial.  Like I don't have true friends.  I know that I do, but sometimes I don't feel like I do.  I feel like an empty shell of myself.

It's not fair.

I just want to be.

I wish I could be just a little less dramatic, like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames...

I'm not the girl that got away, but the girl you failed to keep. 


Hello followers and friends!




I know it's been a while, and while I would like to apologize, I'm not going to.  You see, I went through a dark time.  It took me a while to get through it, but I think I have finally come out for the better.

Before I get into the details of everything, I want to put this disclaimer out there.... yes, I will admit that I though about hurting myself during this rough time.  BUT I DID NOT!  Self-harm is never an option, nor is suicide.  I would have never hurt myself.  I know that people would be disappointed in me. 




Ok, now down to the nitty gritty deets....

So, I've been in a depression for a while.  It got so bad that I ended up not going to work a couple times.  Simply because I couldn't get out of bed.  I was suffering from insomnia, and couldn't seem to fall asleep.  Once I managed to, I couldn't get myself out of bed.

I reached out for help.  I went to my doctor, who recommended a couple of therapists.  (I have yet to find one I like, but whatever.  I can do this.)  I turned to friends and family for help.  And then, by the grace of a higher power....

I discovered that my ex was now in a relationship.  With a very attractive girl.  And he tells her all the same things he used to say to me. 

So had a five minute melt-down after this, because, well.... let's be honest.  No one likes being the miserable one while their ex is loving their life.  I cried.  I yelled.  I called my momma. 

And then I did the bravest thing I have ever done.... I cleaned out anything and everything that reminded me of him.  Presents, collectibles, a friggin' digital photo frame!  I got rid of it.  AND.... I even placed my wedding dress on eBay.  Without the tears!

Holy crap I feel so liberated!  I finally feel happy.  I've started dating again.  Nothing serious, but everything in due time.

So with this post, may you find your strength to find your happiness.  And if you're struggling, please reach out to someone you love. 

And always know, dear readers, that I love each and everyone one of you, and am truly blessed to share this experience with you.



-R.