She looks up at the building, says she's thinking of jumping. She says she's tired of life. She must be tired of something....

When will enough be enough?


The night is still, unlike my mind.  It's quiet, almost like a whisper.  Almost a full moon.  Beautiful.  And yet, I feel trapped.  I feel blocked by the concrete and the bricks, starved for a connection.  A chance to get away.  I long for the lake, the sound of the waves as they kissed the shore.  Being completely alone with myself and the world.  Enjoying the solace that it brings.  There's not even a breeze tonight.  It's as if the world itself has given up, holding her breath to try and change.  But she's become a stagnant being, afraid of life. 

Just like me.

No longer do I feel the call of adventure just beyond the borders.  No longer do I get the rush from late nights.  No longer do I feel connected to the beat of the earth, calling to me to live.  How can I hear the call through all the noise in my head?  Hoe can I begin to start over again?  Do we ever really begin again?

My soul is nothing by darkness.  All I feel is a never-ending despair.  I put the happy on, so no one can tell that inside I'm drowning.  I am alone in this world, trapped within my own mind.  I am a prisoner within my own brain, unable to find the key, or the lock, or the door to get out of the prison.  I just want out of the shell that I have become. 

Remember who you used to be.
-- R.


 
DISCLAIMER: Please do not worry about me.  I am having a moment, but this, too, shall pass.
As I sat on the balcony of my apartment, writing the words you just read, I began to think back to the people who helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.  And I realized they are no longer there.  I'm sure a few would be available if I needed something, but they aren't there.  It's as if they do not exist outside of my brain.  I can't touch them, I can't hug them.  I can't cry on their shoulders.  And how I wish I could.  I wish I could just return to my hometown, and have it be like it was four years ago.  All of us around a campfire, listening to one of the many talented musicians bust out a great sing-along on the acoustic.  Playing cards and laughing hysterically at the stupid things we used to do. 

But alas, all great things must come to an end.  Will those people forever hold a special place in my heart?  Of course.  They were the greatest group of friends that anyone could ever hope for.  They pissed you off, held you up, had your back, and made you laugh.  I really miss them.  And I hope they all know how much I truly love each and every one of them.  They were my family, and I will always feel that kinship.  And to those that are no longer with us, rest easy my friends.  Our paths will cross again.

The insomnia has kicked in once again.  It's going to be a long night. 

Have faith, my friends.  It is always darkest before the dawn.  A new sun will rise tomorrow, and we will have the chance to be great.  Tell someone you love them (honestly.  Don't throw that word around so much.  Save it for the ones who truly matter).  Give them a million hugs and kisses, and make sure that they know how much they mean to you.  And hold on to those friendships.  Do not let them drift away.