You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well just do whatever you want...

I'm not sure what happened at the beginning of this year.....

..... something changed within me.....

 

.....I became genuinely happy.....

 

 

....and now....

 

...my life can truly begin....

 

 

 

 

 

I recently received my tax returns, and rather than rush out and spend it on emptiness, like drinking my life away in the bar, spending money on people who don't reciprocate the kindness, or buying the unnecessary shit that society tells me I need, I made a mental list of all the awesome things I've ever wanted to do....

 

 

And from there, I decided that I needed to do more things for me.  I spend five days a week taking care of other people's kids, stressing over these kids' futures and choices, making sure they stay out of trouble... and the rest of my time is spent taking care of friends, making them happy... and for what?  It's not my responsibility.

 

So my first stop on this journey for myself was to a sporting goods store, in which I picked up a 6-person tent for $100.  Yep... I sure did.  I don't need a 6 person sleeper, but I wanted it, because, let's face it, I could go out camping, and keep everything in my tent.  From there, I went to an electronics store, and finally bought myself a decent camera.  So in addition to my Polaroid camera (yes, they still make those), two lomography cameras, an old 35mm that belonged to my grandmother, and the camera on my cell phone, I now own a Canon rebel.  And for shits and giggles, I bought a tripod, because let's face it, I'm not the most graceful or balanced person. (*Side note: I broke my ankle running down a flight of stairs, I fell of a bike and needed 13 stitches [two under the skin], tore a ligament in my knee, and pulled a piano bench across my shin, which could have resulted in a broken bone, plus all the times I walk into things).  Next on my journey was to hit the arts supply store, which was having a mega sale, so I got tons of awesome things.  I've also finished setting up my altar (two years in the making), so now I can meditate and practice within my home.  And about ten minutes ago, I signed up for a photography class that my mother had recently completed -- The Rebel's Guide to Falling in Love with Photography

 

You can read about it on her blog: Sticks and Stones (and these old bones)

 

In these coming weeks, there will be pictures, there will be artwork, there will be the emotions that I feel inside radiating out in whatever ways that I can make them come.  I only wish that others can experience what I feel inside.  And I'm going to simplify my life.  I don't need the fallacies that society portrays we do, and I can do things for free that I enjoy.  And if I have to go alone, so be it.

 

Follow your arrow, wherever it points.
-R.

PS: You need to see this....

Follow Your Arrow



 

 

One day this all will change...

Howdy stranger!

I know that I said that I was done with this blog, but that was before I went through some crazy soul searching and therapy.

I'm glad to say that I AM BACK!  And better than ever!

So here's the long story short:

I spiraled into a deep depression.  Started going to therapy.  Went through EMDR -- a PTSD-based therapy.  Joined a gym.  Started eating better.  Lost 7 pounds and still going!

Before, it was like a dark cloud followed me everywhere I went.  I was never happy.  I pretended to be -- kept that mask up to keep people out; avoid getting hurt.... only causing the pain to myself.  Through PTSD therapy, I was able to address the underlying issue.... and since I was unable to control that situation, I controlled everything that I could.  I kept the weight on so that I would put myself into situations that were similar, I kept people at a distance to avoid being taken advantage of.  I even discovered that I have not been myself, truly, since I was about 16.  And the only reason that I was truly me was because I was loaded all the time.

I should probably backtrack on this.  Due to the issues I experienced as a child, I suffered from PTSD.  Because of this, I developed addictions.  I had a small stint with an eating disorder, simply because I knew that I could control my food intake.  From there, I became a closet drug addict.  I don't think that people truly understood the depths that I was in.  I cannot remember about four years of my life.  Then a close friend committed suicide, and that was when I decided to clean myself up.  I changed my group of friends.  I avoided certain places.  I ran away -- to college.  And when things didn't work out for me there, I ran away again.  Different schools, different friends, different places.  I just kept running....

.... up until about three months ago.  When I finally grew too tired to run.  Too tired to continue.  And I, like the mythological phoenix, rose from the ashes to start again.  And this time I decided to control what I could for the positive....

I joined a gym.  I started eating more fruits and veggies.  I started taking the dog to the dog park.  I don't even feel like going to the bar anymore -- that's more for socializing than drinking.  I just want to get my life back on track.  I want to be me again.  Honestly, truly me. 

So this is where I begin to rewrite my story.  I am not sure how this blog will continue, but I know that it's going to be a wild ride.  I just hope that you come along with me.

This may be the last thing that I write for long.

I've been doing some thinking.....


I'm done with this blog.

I can take it no farther.  It seems like a never-ending cycle as I post on here.  And I think it will be good for be to let it go. 


With that being said --

My lovely followers -- I appreciate you sharing in this journey with me.  I don't think I could have progressed as well without you.  One love.


Now I must say "see ya later man".



It's not a matter of holding on to the past because it makes you comfortable.  It's a matter of holding onto the good times, so that they may lift you to your next adventure.


One love. One heart. One family.

-R.

What have I become, my dearest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end.

I've been in the dark.  The light has finally been extinguished. Not even a speck of dust remains of the life that I had known. I used to be happy once.  I used to smile.  Now my heart permanently frowns as it carries the worries and the shames and the guilts and the pains.  The smiles that come aren't real. Simply a mask placed outside so that this emptiness that was once a soul doesn't cause burden to anyone.  I would hate to cause anyone trouble by getting into my own worries and doubts and fears.  Everyone has enough going on in their lives without having me to screw it up.  I hate that these emotions are like waves, and they come and go.  But the dark ones stay.  Just a little longer.  It's as if the clouds have blocked the sun during a solar eclipse so that the world has gone dark.  The only noise is the sound of waves crashing against the shore, but it's so dark that I just can't seem to find them.  If I could just get to the water's edge, this negativity would be gone.  Maybe not forever, but maybe it wouldn't seem so dark.  The negative energy has once again appeared, and this time, I'm afraid I don't have the willpower to sweep it out.   I have done all that I can to get the darkness out.... and I see the silver line across the shore.  The water's edge has appeared for me once again.  It's faint, and far, but I can see it.

I can see it.

If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone, carry on.

A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success. -- Elbert Hubbard

So, I've been working out for a little over a week, and I am so excited to see the changes that have already come. 

I switched from Insanity to a bunch of different workouts.  I've been having some crazy lung issues, so two minutes in, and I'm hacking up a storm.

Anyways, I've been sticking to my 1600 calorie diet, and making sure that I'm eating better.  In addition, I've also noticed that I have lost weight and inches.  Which is super exciting!!!

So here's where I'm at today:

Weight: 240 237
Chest:  44  42.5"
L Bicep: 18 17"
R Bicep: 19 17.5"
Waist: 43 41"
Hips: 48.5 47"
L Thigh: 30 29.25"
R Thigh: 30.5 29.5"
L Calf: 17 16.5"
R Calf: 17.5 16.25"

 

 

Very exciting for me!!!!  Hopefully, I can keep this up, and before you know it, I will be at my healthy weight!!!

 

 

Thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement.  You all mean a lot to me! 

 

 

And just when you thought you couldn't walk farther, you sprouted wings.

 

-R.

 

Here's to us fools that have no meaning. I tip my glass to you....

So tonight's post was supposed to be about the awesome shenanigans that I have begun to partake in, but I'm sort of pissed right now.... so I think I will rant and get rid of this negative energy before I explode.

This apartment has slowly begun to amass some negative energy.  Things happen behind closed doors, out of eyesight and earshot, and I can definitely feel the negativity boiling out into my living space.  And I'm not happy about it.  I worked hard to clean the negativity out of my life, and to have it brought back in because of petty issues.... it's really bugging me.  But, hey.... not my business right?  I'll just continue trying to flood my space with positivity and hopefully, it will even out.


Ok now on to the real reason I am posting tonight......

I EFFIN' STARTED THE INSANITY WORKOUT TONIGHT!

Shaun T. Max interval training. Possible death.  Just doing the fit test alone was enough to make me realize how out of shape I am (and while round is a shape, I would like to be healthier).  So here's the dealio (holy 90s throwback)....

Every time I take a fit test, I will update you all on the improvements I have made.  Any time I come across some delish healthy meal, I will post it for you.  Any time I struggle, I'll let you know.  I want to continue to be real -- continue to be raw -- continue to be me.  I have begun the new lifestyle that will be mine.... and I want to share it with you!  I want to make life awesome for us all.  And if you find inspiration, great.  If you want to share your troubles, let me know, and I can add you as a guest blogger.  I want to begin a revolution.  Where big, beautiful women can finally get healthy without feeling like a failure.  Yes we may fall.  But the only failure is sitting there and not getting up.

So here's where I'm at today:

All Pictures Taken 6/14/13

 

Weight: 240

Body Fat: 42.6%

Chest: 44"

L Bicep: 18"       R Bicep: 19"

Waist: 43"

Hips: 48.5"

L Thigh: 30"      R Thigh: 30.5"

L Calf: 17"        R Calf: 17.5"

 

Switch kicks: 17 (no jumps though)

Power Jacks: 20

Power Knees: 30

Power Jumps: 5

Globe Jumps: 5

Suicide Jumps: 4

Push-up Jacks: 0 (I did do 15 girly push-ups though)

Low Plank Oblique: 16 

 

First fit test: Complete.

 

Next fit test: 6/28/13

 

This week's workout:

• Saturday: Plyometric Cardio Circuit
• Sunday: Cardio Power Resistance
• Monday: Cardio Recovery
• Tuesday: Pure Cardio (fuck my life)
• Wednesday: Plyometric Cardio Circuit
• Thursday: Off :)

I will begin workouts in the morning -- hopefully that will help me to keep it going throughout the day.  I will also begin meal planning as well.... that way I can make sure I'm not undoing all the hard work I complete. 

 

So my challenge for you -- find a workout plan, set your goals, and complete it. 

 

First goal:  Make it through the whole warm-up without stopping.

Goal deadline: 2nd Fit test

 

And just in case you're wondering......

 

Yep... it's that intense.  This was after the FIT TEST!  I hadn't even done a whole workout yet!  But I will make this work!  I will succeed!

Who wants to join Team Fit and Sexy?

And in case you needed more inspiration.....







-R.

 

Cowboy take me away.

I need an adventure.

I know that I said that my last post would be the final, but I realized that my starting over doesn't just stop. So I shall continue this blog.

I need an escape. I'm so over just sitting still in one place. I want to explore -- to go somewhere off the beaten path. I've stayed still for too long. I want to get away. Just leave the pain and emotions behind.  Find some local stores and adventures. I'm so through with the mundane and stagnant life I have been handed. I'm not happy.  I'm never happy when I'm stuck. I want to be happy. I want to be unstuck.  Someone take me away.