I've tried sober, I've tried drinking, I've been strong, and I've been weak, and I still miss you.

I'm slowly spiraling down into a dark abyss. 


Today, I got to thinking....

In a little over two weeks, I would have been married.  I would have had my happily ever after.  I would've been Mrs.


But not anymore.  It's sad.  I thought I was going to marry the love of my life.  I thought that I was going to have my happily ever after.  And secretly, I think I still love him.  And I worry that I always will.

I find myself trying to attach to everything and anything... roommates, colleagues, random people... it's ridiculous.  I don't want to expose myself to that, but I just feel so alone right now.  And I know I'm not... I know that I have friends, and family, and people who care... but I don't feel like they are really connected to me.

That's been the hardest thing for me.  Losing my connection with my fellow man.  I have never been so disconnected from those around me.  Ever.  It's completely insane to think that one person can wander through life, feeling completely disconnected, completely alone, even when surrounded by people.

I am trying to look on the brighter sides of life.  I have two best friends coming out to visit in a little under two weeks.  Sara gets in next Friday, and Meeks follows behind on Monday.  We have a week of shenanigans planned... and I'm super excited.  We're planning on going to Vegas and California.  Visiting the Grand Canyon, and my friend Chrissy.  I'm super ecstatic that I have a couple super amazing friends that care enough to be with me during possibly the worst of my life. 

“It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”  ― Marlene Dietrich

R.